And Can I Just Say Something Else?

Nobody pays enough attention to me. People say all this shit about good attention and bad attention but it's all totally a big fat lie. I know it is, because I do my dumb little job, and I go to (almost) all my classes, and I do my homework, I take good care of Dani and Alex and I don't get in fights anymore. And you know what I get for that? NOTHING.

They always say that if you are good you'll get good attention. Well, where's all my good attention?! Nobody ever pays me any attention unless I'm doing something wrong. I run around trying to be a good friend, a good sister, a good student, a good everything. Who's busting their ass to make ME feel good?

It just sucks. I am fucking lonely. :(

This Will Not Affect My Ability To Wreak Havoc

I sprained my ankle today after school. Josh was going to pick me up after work and I wanted to shave my legs before going to work. Rushing around when I was waiting for the water to be warm enough, my right ankle all of a sudden hurt horribly!

So all afternoon I was limping around the diner showing people to their seats. Normally I never sit down on the chair at the register but today I did every chance I had.

When we got back to Josh's house, I took off my boots and sock and my ankle is all swollen. There is a cold washcloth around my ankle now but I'm not sure it's going to be better by tomorrow.

Back to Basics

Dear Mama,

I heard today about somebody else's mom dying. Is it obnoxious that it never occurs to me that could happen to somebody else? Always surprised. I know it's definitely obnoxious that I think "but you're so much older than I was - you got so many more years than I did" for sure. You know what else is obnoxious? That I told a couple of people that Loser Girl paid money to blow Hector. She did not look happy today and didn't talk to anybody in class. I *tried* to warn her.

We are down to once a week shrinkings for me and Dani. Craig said to call him any time, but nobody ever means that when they say it, but it was nice of him anyway. Alex made banana bread herself tonight and it came out really good.

I am going to the prom with a very nice boy who you would like if you met. If you were alive you would say all sorts of deep things to me before prom that I can't think of without you.

We watched The Bachelor tonight and there is the coolest thing - a trampoline you can put in water! Like in a lake or something. How cool is that? I put it on my list of things I want to do in life.

I am going to get some banana bread and do more homework now. I love you and miss you and if you came back I promise I'd come up with more interesting things to tell you.

Love,
me

Let's All Say Yay Together

So the good news is, I found a dress that I am in L-O-V-E with! The bad news is, it's $80 at Express and I can't find it anywhere else.

The good news is, I talked to my drug dealer, I mean prom date, and he said he'll buy it for me no problem. The bad news is, I feel kind of weird owning something bought with drug money.

But who cares because this dress looks so freaking awesome!

Passing the Time

Sometimes when we're bored we like to fuck with tourists. It's tons of fun and they're so damn scared, and so oblivious to everything going on around them that it's almost too easy.

We really need to start documenting it properly though. You know, more than just submitting to Overheard in New York.

Negotiations

Hector pulled the ponytail holder out of my hair and held it out to me over my shoulder. Putting my feet up on the seat in front of me, I slid down in my chair and leaned my head back a little bit. If you sit in front of Hector and you're a girl, you should expect to have your hair played with all through class. Just like if you're a girl and you sit behind Drew, you should expect that he will give you a foot massage by pulling your leg forward and propping your heel on the edge of his seat.

"What's up with you and the ring-a-ding kid?" Hector whispered to me. I picked up my pen like I was taking notes, and that's what the teacher saw when he looked in our direction. "We're done," I responded, even though we're still talking, even though we're negotiating FWB. Hector was either tying multiple sections of my hair into knots, or attempting a french braid, but I couldn't tell which.

"We should hook up," he said. "Yeah, no." Hector yanked my hair, hard. "Sam, you're hot. We should." Is he nuts? And catch whatever he's got!?

He slid forward in his seat more, closer to me. "Afraid you won't be able to keep up, little girl?" Oh jesus. The loser next to us was listening intently. Not everyone wants an audience. "Thanks; I'll pass," I whispered. Feeling my hair, I tried to figure out what had happened, and how hard it'd be to fix before walking into the hallway.

"I'll give you $10," Hector suggested. Seriously? $10? Because I could buy... yeah fucking right. I snorted. Loser Girl frowned at me. She's fat, dumpy and has bad hair. Her cheeks are always bright red, and she's often seen near the front office, crying hysterically on the phone to her mother. Nobody wanted to be her lab partner and she cried. On the very first day of school Hector commanded her to move when she sat down in front of him, saying he wouldn't stare at her head all year. I turned around in my seat to look Hector in the eye. "I'm not fucking you for $10. I'm not doing anything with you."

He smiled like he didn't believe me. Tugging on my hair, Hector told me to turn back around. "I've got something going here." Loser Girl was straight out staring at us now, fascinated by the conversation. She leaned towards Hector. "I'll fuck you for $10."

Oh. My. God. Ohmygod. I looked around to see if anyone good was watching. Nelly was looking at me, and I threw my eyes towards Loser Girl, then back to Nelly. Hector shook his head at Loser Girl. "I wouldn't do you for $5. But if you give me $10 I'll let you blow me."

Esssteeedeees. I tore off the corner of my page and handed it to Loser Girl. She looked at my note, frowned, then turned towards us. "Okay!" she said to Hector. I rolled my eyes at Nelly.

After the bell rang, Hector practically ran for the door, Loser Girl following. One of the teachers called out to Hector, "Where are you going in such a rush?"

He smiled as he walked backwards and answered. "My new part-time job!" "Good for you, Hector." Teachers are so retarded.

Things Rich People Take For Granted

1. Pajamas, slippers and bathrobes. When I am rich I am going to own a different set of pajamas for every single night. I will never just sleep in whatever shirt I wore all day.

2. Starbucks. Every time I see an article about "How To Save Money" I read it, in case there are any ideas I haven't thought of. Usually the first thing is to not get a coffee each morning and they say how much that will save over a month or year. Since 2008 started, I've bought Starbucks once.

3. Buying stuff because it's on sale. I never understand that. If you're only buying it because it's on sale then why bother? Don't these people run out of room?

4. Texting. I used to have it on my phone. But people texted over my limit and it caused a lot of problems and it had to be canceled. You can pay a higher monthly rate to get unlimited texting but that costs more. When Danielle gets a phone we're going to get texting but not tell anybody so we can text each other and not go over.

4. Buying books. It's like nobody's heard of the library.

5. Eating out. I guess I look friendly or something because tourists stop me a lot to ask if I'm a NYer (only a lot of them say retarded things like a 'New York Citian') and then ask me to recommend a good restaurant. My diner has good food, but it's in a really bad neighborhood so I can't tell people to go there. Other than that, I don't eat out.

6. Flowers. Once a month either my mom or grandma would buy a bunch of flowers, and then give half to the other one and they'd both have flowers in the house for a week out of each month. I don't know what happened to my mom's vase. It was blue and pretty. When me and my sisters grow up we're going to share flowers like that.

7. Traveling. I've been to the Jersey shore and Long Island. That's it.

8. Manicures and pedicures. I don't understand this. If you keep your nail polish in the refrigerator it will last a long time, and if you don't shake it, it will go on smoothly (to mix the top oil with the color instead of shaking it roll it back and forth between your palms instead and then you won't get air bubbles). It seems like such a huge waste of money to pay someone else to do something I can do just fine at home.

Details

Some people are taking the train to prom. It's silly to take a limo when the train is so easy. Except all the people I've heard of who are doing that can afford a limo.

Some people are borrowing other people's shoes. I will too. Except all the people I've heard of who are doing that can afford to buy new shoes if they want to.

I will look just like everybody else. Nobody will be able to tell that my nails will have been done at home, that the fancy bobby pins holding in my french braid will come from CVS, courtesy of Alex and Dani.

Mommy

I want to hold your hand and go for a walk. I would rub my thumb against your skin and you'd laugh and tell me to stop because it tickled. You had the softest hands and I miss that. I thought it was the Ahava, but all three of us have really soft hands so maybe it was just your hands, and you used Ahava for the smell. They changed the formula a while ago and it's not the same. Close, but not exactly the same.

I miss you. Not just your hands. I miss them too. I miss everything about you. No matter how I say it, it doesn't explain how much I miss you. No matter how well I explain it, you won't come back so I can stop.

I want to lay in bed and for you to braid my hair and rub my back until I fall asleep. I want you.

Demoted?

At shrinking yesterday, Craig told me he thinks I'm ready to go down to once a week from twice. He asked if I agree with that. Beats me. He pointed out that I haven't gotten in any fights in a long time. That I'm almost off PINS. I told Craig I don't care, once a week is fine. But don't think just because I don't get in fights anymore it doesn't mean I'm not angry anymore, because I am.

Craig said the key thing is that I'm not acting on my anger in ways that will get me in trouble. We talked about how enraged you can feel and then how later that rushing feeling has died down a little and you don't feel like breaking all the dishes and bashing someone's head against the sidewalk over and over anymore. Whatever. It's all so pointless. The only good thing is now I can tell work that I'm available another day and maybe I can get more hours.

Reason 973 Why Being Poor Sucks Ass

You have to act grateful for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you're given. Beggars can't be choosers. Maybe not, but beggars can be real people with opinions and taste.

People don't give to be nice people. People give to make THEMSELVES feel good. When we (the beggars, who, in most cases, are not even walking around begging but are just walking around not having what other people have) do not fall all over ourselves to act appropriately grateful, it does not make the Givers feel good, and they get angry at us.

I don't want a fucking prom dress that someone else donated that I should like because it's close to my size. I want to go to the fucking mall like every other girl and go shopping and find one I like and buy THAT ONE.

This is my junior year. I did not expect to be asked to prom at all. I do not care about it at all in terms of sentamentality (is that a word?). Fuck prom pictures. I already have the pictures that mean a lot to me, and though they're priceless, they didn't cost anything to get. You know, except life.

The boy who asked me to prom hasn't had a crush on me since 6th grade. We don't blush when we talk. This is not some magical night in my mind. The boy who asked me to prom is the boy I get my weed from. I know exactly why he asked me instead of anyone else, and also know he will pay for my prom ticket. I already told him I will meet him at the train station and will bring him a boy-flower.

He asked what color dress I'm going to wear; I told him I don't have one yet. It will probably come from Forever 21 because they seem to have the least expensive dresses. I will borrow shoes from a friend. He will provide the weed. The after parties will provide themselves.

But I will *NOT* fall all over myself to make other people feel good for giving me things I didn't ask for in the first place anymore. No thank you, my little sister does NOT need your torn undershirts with weird stains. No thank you, we do not need a scratched up frying pan. No thank you, we do not need you to save all your plastic bags to give us.

Aunt Elaine does not believe in throwing things out. I mean, that are hers. Alex has her lame magazine obsession. We are three girls in one room. We really do not have space to take your SHIT, just to make you feel good about yourself.

Throw out your own garbage.

I'd Have to Get a Dress, Right?

I sort of got asked to the prom. Besides a dress and shoes what else would I have to pay for if I went?

We Are Below Both

Makes me feel extra poor today.