That's mine. I own it. It belongs to me. It's mine to give out to other people if I want, when I want, how I want. Not when it makes things easier for them. Not when they wonder. Not on their timetable.
If I HAVE to have it, then I GET to own it.
Sometimes I am tired. Sometimes I am not up for questions. I am not up for the looks. The lame-but-meant-to-be-nice statements. At least she's in heaven now? What the fuck good does that do me? At least it was fast? It seems fast to you because you watch a video on Youtube that is one minute and eighteen seconds long. No. The reality is that it was much longer.
Sometimes I am happy and want to stay happy and telling you my mother is dead will take away my happy. Sometimes I am sad and telling you my mother is dead will make me sadder than I can handle being. Sometimes telling you my mother is dead will make me cry and it's not a convenient time to cry. Sometimes I don't feel like being treated like I'm special, like I'll cry at every moment. Sometimes I don't want to answer your questions that come with telling you. Don't tell me Aunt Elaine must miss her very much. I stopped caring about her feelings years ago. Don't tell me "you poor thing." I'm NOT a poor thing. I'm a person and I have people who love me and because it has to be, that's enough.
Our mother IS dead. But she's OUR mother. Not yours. So I especially don't want to tell you only for YOU to cry to me, for ME to have to comfort YOU. Because she's not yours to cry over.
5 comments:
You are quite right. And I am so very sorry. It was not mine to question, suggest, and certainly not to write out like that. I apologize sincerely and deeply.
Okay. Thanx
You are right Sam.....you are very right. Please know that most people mean well, but if they have not experienced what you have.....they don't get it. I don't get it. I am sorry that you have had to experience it.
Occasionally you write, and I want to say something that tries to connect to you - and I fail miserably. As far as I know, what we have in common is that we are both ridiculously poor.
Otherwise, all I can do is listen and take in what you say.
You nailed it. It's really awkward whenever the absence of Mom comes up. It's been 11 years for me, but it can still be awkward. I talk about my Dad and it begs the question of where my Mom is. So it comes up. Then it feels like I have the job of making it ok that the person asked and that I'm ok when I answer. But, you're right. There have been times when I'm not ok and I don't want to talk about it.
I've learned when I sense that absence in someone else's story to ask (in a neutral yet sympathetic tone), "Is so-and-so still around?" Then if it's abandonment or death, they can answer yes or no without having to volunteer much.
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