Like on a totally intellectual level, I know that we have eight months and should just enjoy the time together. On a base feeling level, I feel such a high level of panic over what's going to happen when we graduate.
Right now I should be sleeping. Josh waited for me to finish working and then we left the diner and went to a "real" restaurant for a late dinner like grownups. We went to see Milk and met up with friends at the movie theater and then went to a party. I didn't know the guy's house the party was at. There were bowls of pills, like M&Ms, all over the house. All different pills, and they were pretty.
We were going to stop and get hot chocolates but there were cops in the donut shop and we were a little drunk so just kept walking. I feel wired and hyper and want to shake Josh awake and ask him what's going to happen in August. If we're going to break up I'll deal with it. I just want to know.
I don't know how to envision college and life when I'm in college if I don't know whether or not Josh will be around. Should I plan on needing to replace the sweatshirt of his that I have now? I hate not knowing.
Walking around the house seems like a good idea right now. Like it would prevent me from waking Josh to ask him questions he probably doesn't want to answer. Except his parents would wake up and want to talk to me. I can't deal with parents right now.
1 comment:
I don't have anything intelligent to offer-this time in your life is so hard-I wouldn't want to be there again. It's newness and change, and you seem to have finally found a "cool, dry place" and I don't think it's odd at all that you're freaking out about it.
Tell him your worries. THen sit back and try and enjoy day to day.
And yeah, I don't know how to do that either.
Hang in there chica...
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