Here's how I mentally approach things like this:
Okay so I could go to a concert on a Friday or Saturday night. Let me see what the cheapest tickets are. $35?!! Then on top of that we have to take the train out to Long Island, then get from the train station to the beach, and then back. By the time the concert ends we might even need to take a taxi. Plus I'll have to rush home after work to change and grab some food because of course food would be way too expensive at a concert venue. This is going to wind up costing like a $100. Totally not worth it.
Here's how Josh mentally approaches things like this:
DUUUUUUDE! It's STING! Come onnnnnn, we gotta go! Lemme see how close to the stage we can get. Hey, there's a restaurant that's right on the water - it got great Yelp reviews so I'll make reservations there for beforehand. This is gonna be awesome! I'm texting Justin to see if he and Carly want to come with us.
Josh will think nothing of dropping $400 for one concert ticket. (Because why bother going if you're not going to get great seats?) Then spending a couple of hundred dollars on a fancy dinner. Because why not? Then just hiring a car service so we can fall into a car at the end of the night and not have to worry about the stress of making and changing trains.
He does not understand me. Why this line of thinking makes me twitch. He accepts that it does, but doesn't really understand deep down why it makes me so uncomfortable to spend $1,000 to have fun. He does not understand why accepting somebody spending so much money makes me uncomfortable, to the point that I can't truly enjoy the experience. My thinking is that's the kind of money you spend on a honeymoon, not on a regular Tuesday summer night.
Sometimes we are so far apart. Other times though, we are getting ready for the week ahead of us and realize nobody made sure to get eggs. So we go together to get them, he doesn't laugh when I pull out a coupon, and on the walk home as Josh holds my hand, his fingers slide through mine smoothly and I feel myself light up from the inside. His thumb rubs my skin, and he gently pulls me to a stop so we can look watch the sun as it sets.
3 comments:
It IS crazy, for one night, but if you think that lots of people spend three times that in a year going out to pubs, clubs, restaurants, shopping, whatever, and you haven't the last few years- then you'd deserve it more than most I think.
You're right. It's a completely 'other' mindset (for each of you). The important thing is that you're each telling each other how it makes you feel and trying to meet in the middle. The fact that you can articulate how he thinks about it means you're trying to understand him.
I'm guessing that he's yet to feel the 'pain' of earning that much money. When you know how hard it is to get that much in the bank to just spend for fun, then it's harder to enjoy it. When you think of all that you can buy with that money instead, it's impossible. Yet at the end of life, what matters are the people and the memories you have of them. You don't remember the money saved.
My husband and I get into this conflict a lot of the time. The memories are worth the price tag for me, and many times, for him, they aren't. So, I build fewer and cheaper memories than I want and he gets dragged into vacations and parties more than he'd like to be.
I think that balance is important even when it's uncomfortable.
I think OTRgirl is right on target. It sounds like much of the time, Josh has adjusted himself to behave according to how you approach money, at least where it concerns the things you do together. To keep the balance -- and also because you deserve to be spoiled sometimes, especially if he wants to and can actually afford it -- every so often you need to let him, and find a way to let it slide over your head and just enjoy it.
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