There is a girl who's a few years older than me, who is a bike messenger for one of the messenger services we use at work. We wind up seeing each other a few times a week, plus I once ran into her on my lunch hour and we wound up talking for a little while.
Friday she came in and told me she and her friends are putting together a clothing swap and invited me to go. I had to ask what it is. Turns out you bring clothes you bought but then decided you don't like and no longer wear, and give them to the other people who are there, and you can pick from what they brought.
I kind of get it, but also kind of don't get it. It seems like this is a thing for rich people. The clothes I don't wear are my sweaters and winter coat right now. The clothes in the winter that I don't wear are the ones I'm wearing now. So I don't have any clothes I don't wear. If something doesn't fit, it's given to my little sister.
When the bike messenger invited me I asked if I could get back to her. So I thought about it and then today when I saw her said thank you for the invite but I didn't think I could contribute in a way that would make it appropriate for me to go. Her face got really dark, her whole demeanor got really cold towards me. When I handed her the envelope, she yanked it out of my hand so suddenly that I got a really deep paper cut. She doesn't know that because she just spun around and walked away. I had to wipe blood off the counter, and leave the phones to go wrap my hand to stop the bleeding.
I don't understand. She's got to know I don't have a lot of clothes - I mean, she's made comments like "Oh, you're wearing your Tuesday dress" and "If I ever get confused about what day of the week it is I can check your outfit and know." Every time I've laughed it off. I'm just thrilled to have five nice outfits that are appropriate enough to wear to work each day - I don't care if somebody wants to make fun of it.
So why is she so offended that I couldn't go to her clothing swap? I told Josh about it after dinner when he asked why my hand was bandaid-ed. I asked what he thought. He shrugged and told me some girls are just bitches. Still don't get it. If someone's nice every single time you see them and then one time they're weird does that make them a bitch? Or are they just having a bitchy moment? My hand really hurts.
8 comments:
My best guess is that this almost friend believed that you were giving her a backhanded insult. Remember she doesn't know your situation. A lot of people only have a few clothes appropriate for work, especially when you are less affluent. And frankly, a swap party is not a rich person thing. Wealthy people that I know either give the clothes away or simply leave them in their closet.
You kind of have two choices here. You can either clear up the misunderstanding by telling her your situation, or you can ignore her when she comes into the office until one of you leaves the job for good.
It is kind of up to you.
M
How is what I said to her insulting? I really don't have any clothes to donate. I need more choices - we deal with each other each time she brings or picks stuff up at work. I don't even know her last name so there is no way we are close enough that I am going to talk to her about my financial life or anything.
Wow, that's too bad, especially as she seemed to be a potential friend and since you gave so much thought about how to respond.
It's not really a thing for rich people, though maybe her version is. Brand new, bought and then didn't like, isn't usually the focus, but items you no longer wear for whatever the reason that are in at least decent shape is. Lots of people trade to save money, instead of just buying new and either holding on to or figuring out what to do with what they no longer use.
But you've bought your wardrobe carefully, don't have items that aren't in your rotation, and already know what to do with items that don't fit.
As I was reading, I was hoping you'd simply say you couldn't make it but would like to get together with her another time instead and invite her for dinner.
Her reaction was weird. Maybe she read something into your careful and polite response that we can't see? Or was confused by it? She didn't ask what you meant by what you said. While she might notice that you wear the same outfits often, she might not imagine that you don't have other things at home that you do not wear. Who knows, maybe she thinks you are the rich one and that you just have no interest in other people's used clothes.
It's good of you to judge her favorably, to consider your history with her and not assume based on this most recent exchange.
One option, when you next see her, would be to acknowledge that you obviously hurt her feelings somehow, then explain that you can't participate because you have a very limited wardrobe, give what you outgrow to your sisters, and in your household there just aren't any clothes that no one wears, and then say that you aren't sure how you offended her but you wanted to explain, and that you apologize for upsetting her and do want to be friends with her. Then you could invite her to do something fun together that doesn't cost a lot of money or belongings.
Hope your hand feels better soon.
Did things ever get back on track with your friend Becca from school?
I agree with the previous commenter. A clothing swap is not for people who are particularly wealthy -- many people like that wouldn't want to wear someone else's used clothes. Maybe people with slightly more than you have would be more likely to participate, but this girl doesn't know exactly what you have, she only knows what you wear. Someone who has seven appropriate outfits for work but thinks two of them look awful on them might still only wear the five that you wear. Haven't you ever gotten a hand-me-down from a fire family that was objectively in good condition and technically fit you but just wasn't at all to your taste? That's the kind of thing you'd swap away. Or even if you have something that you do wear but you're tired of - if you could find something different to replace it that would be cool, no?
This girl may have thought that you were saying the opposite of what you were really saying -- that you like your clothes and none of them are ratty enough to want to give away to her and her friends (and maybe that you don't think you're likely to want what they offer, either). If I were you I'd try to clear it up. You might gain a real friend out of it, and worst comes to worst you only see her a few times a week anyway.
Maybe she thought that you were indirectly talking about the clothes that would be on offer- like they wouldn't be good
enough for you. It definately doesn't come across that way normally, but she might have thought of it that way.
I think by 'rich' Sam mean like middle-rich, what we take for granted- a double garage and an account at Zara.
While you were concerned about not being able to contribute I can almost guarantee that she thought you were saying you didn't think you'd find anything. I also think that the fact that she comments on your clothes and then invited you to this event probably means she admires your dress sense.
If you want to continue the possibility of a friendship, next time she comes in I would suggest that you tell her you noticed she was upset when you refused and that you think she misunderstood. Just tell her you don't have any clothes you don't wear and that you pass down stuff you outgrow to your sisters. It's probably also a good thing if you say something about how it sounds fun/interesting and you're disappointed you don't have stuff to contribute.
Sorry that she reacted so badly. Sounds like everyone has given you some good suggestion on what to say next time you see her.
One tip for the future: You don't have to give people a reason for not accepting an invitation. You can just say, "Sounds fun, but it turns out I can't make it." That way you don't have to explain your whole life situation to a relative stranger. And if you would like to do something with her, make sure to suggest an alternate activity at that time.
-Noelle
Her reaction seems really out of place. She may have taken it personally, as in you don't want to hang out, rather than just not being into the event.
I've hosted clothing swaps before and I'm far from rich. But I had clothes that didn't fit me after I had my daughter and had other friends with clothes that didn't fit anymore. I don't have any sisters, so there is no one to pass clothes onto. My single parents group does the same thing for our kids clothes.
I've also gone to clothing swap events. Someone will rent a big space, like a church basement, and you bring your clothes to swap, along with $5 to cover the rental, food, etc. Those can get huge, so it's a greater chance you'll find something you like, in your size, etc. Items not claimed get bundled up to donate to a women's shelter.
Could you organize something like that with your fire families?
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