I found this 30 days writing exercise thing, and the first day is to write about what you hate within yourself.
I bet anyone who reads this can guess what I hate. That it's my rage problem. So it's like a cheat to say that and call it a day.
There is something else I hate but I never talk about it. Never even really think about it. Now that I am, it's hard to even figure out the words to explain it properly.
It has to do with Josh. It's not that I'd cheat on him, because I wouldn't, even if we hadn't discussed it (we've agreed if we're going to cheat, we'll just break up first). But I'm not exactly fully committed. Like, not to be all mushy (or to use lots of commas), in my heart.
It seems lame for everything to always come back to the same issues, but there is just such a huge, significant gap between us that it is pretty much impossible for either of us to cross over to the other person's side, OR meet in the middle.
Here is a perfect example of that: Josh asked me if I will go skiing with him this winter. I have never gone. Danielle has. Here's part of our talk:
Josh: I can ask one of my friends to lend you ski pants and stuff.
Dani: You can just wear jeans like I did - you don't need any fancy ski clothes.
Josh: Don't worry about not knowing how to ski - we can get you a half day of ski school the first day.
Dani: I'll tell you everything you need to know in 20 minutes; the rest is just practicing applying it.
Even doing it Danielle's way, the idea of taking so much time off from work? Just that alone gives me anxiety. Meanwhile Josh thinks it's the poor way to go skiing. See? Even in the middle, without buying skis, without flying first class to Aspen, without fancy ski school, it's still too much. So Josh can go down a few notches and I can ramp it up a few, so we're meeting in the middle, but neither of us are comfortable. He's not comfortable living in a world where you don't take fancy vacations that involve first class flights and drinks by the pool, and I'm not comfortable taking any time off from work.
Jackie said I need to just let go and anyone else would trip all over themselves to have the boyfriend I do. There have been so many movies and even real-life romances where this happens and it works (Anna Nicole, for example). Am I a freak for not feeling comfortable with this? Is it because I'm Italian that I keep a running tab in my head of how much I would owe Josh if he all of a sudden wanted to collect on everything he's given/done for me? How do other people make themselves at home in a home that's nothing like any home they've ever been at home in?
I feel like I can't let go and have as much fun in our relationship as I want to, as we're meant to (that seems corny), because of this huge divide. It doesn't really seem to get better with time. We've lived together for a year now. I still bite back comments about how much things cost. Josh still tries to hide how much things cost. It's like we're stuck in this weird heaven/hell place.
4 comments:
I don't really have any relationship advice, other than to say that your description of your relationship with Josh reminded me of a cross-cultural marriage. You love each other and try to understand, but it's a deep divide and it's hard to find middle ground sometimes. I think you both do an amazing job of working at it.
Regarding the rage, that's my big problem, too. Were you always that way? For me, it's definitely tied to grief. I had moments of rage prior to John's death, but nothing like the sometimes-constant seething I feel now. I really, really hate it. I'm sorry you struggle with it, too.
Hi, came here via Stacy's blog! My husband & I have both a cross-cultural & cross-class marriage. I come from a much more affluent family than my husband, but we handle it by me being in charge of our finances since I am both more comfortable & better at it. We've been together 15 years so it's been a gradual process but that setup works really well for us.
No matter what one's income or resources, frugality and avoidance of waste makes sense. (Though, if a person is of means, and buying a gallon of milk for the inexplicable price of $10 or deciding to trash some old apples instead of taking the time to make them into apple sauce saves him some inconvenience at a time of great anxiety or duress, that's a reasonable, occasional benefit.)
That said, a person can be as much problematically a tightwad as he can be a spendthrift. You've experienced great poverty, Sam, and that has of course shaped you. But thank God things are better for you now. You've learned you can still be responsible about money without having to limit yourself to spending it only when absolutely necessary.
We all know Josh is a gem. If he wants to give you a gift, it is pretty clear it is because doing so makes him happy. If Josh wants to take you on a splendid vacation, it is probably in part to give you the experience as a gift and in part to be able to enjoy your company for himself. After all, such vacations are a part of his life, and he wants you to be a part of that part of his life. He enjoys his vacations, but certainly misses you while away and would rather experience many of his adventure together with you, the person with whom he is meant to be.
And didn't you decide at the beginning of the summer you'd arrange with Arnie in advance for time off during the winter break for just this purpose, explaining that Josh wants to take you on vacation? So isn't that already decided?
What happens if and when you and Josh marry and you join your finances? Or, better yet, what would happen if you alone won a $10 million lottery? Would you seriously not spend any of it? Would you not allow yourself a reasonable amount of extravagant luxuries?
A $10 gallon of milk is ridiculous, because a gallon of milk should not cost $10. But a $70 Gap dress is not ridiculous, because dresses can cost that much, and much much more. You had decided on the Gap dress, because even though it's not the cheapest thing available, it's what you found, you recognized that your budget would allow for it and that putting your money towards this purchase would be worth it for the additional benefits besides mere clothing it would give you. Another example is when you all went for pedicures. We know you all can do your own nails, but you enjoyed the nice treatment, and the four of you all had an enjoyable time together and created a fun memory. Can you apply this thinking to some of Josh's luxuries?
Not to put it all on you, but maybe Josh feels criticized. You have taught him a lot, and it seems that is has been very proud of himself for the self-sufficiency he has developed, for instance in the area of cooking. If Josh feels he has to hide how much things cost, maybe you can give him a break by deciding to differentiate between a waste of money and an expensive but commensurate with value purchase, so that he knows he shouldn't buy a $10 gallon of milk but doesn't have to hide that a fancy gift form Tiffany's costs what is a reasonable amount for a fancy gift from Tiffany's.
Now, what would Josh need to likewise do to cut you a break? I'm not sure, but maybe you or someone else can figure that out form here. I am feeling, frankly, like you might have to go up a few more notches, as you put it, that the right place to be isn't exactly in the middle, that you are a greater distance from the spot where you both need to be in order to be comfortable than he is. If this is true, then it isn't just about compromising, but perhaps about reframing, about your thinking about things differently.
(Continued . . .)
When you were deciding to live with Josh, the question of whether you and your sisters should first spend some time living alone so as to have the experience of having your very own home did come up. But this has worked out, hasn't it? It is surprising to learn that you still aren't comfortable being at home in your home. In the year plus that you've been living there, Tom and Laurie haven't made any demands on you as a result of their helping you out. They seem to be very generous people who are fortunate to have money who do not pat themselves on the back for what they do but just see it as something they are able to do because of their good fortune. They are probably also happy that Josh is living with the good influences that you and your sisters are and not with a bunch of people like that awful houseguest.
Even if not formally or legally, the four of you are a family, not just playing house like some college kids, but truly. Josh is probably grateful for all that you -- and your sisters -- do to make where he lives a home: running the nitty gritty of the household, making sure tasks get done, teaching him how to do his tasks, putting creative and appealing food on the table, as well as providing people to come home to who actually care about him and think he is fantastic and are happy to be with him and to whom he can relate the minutiae of his day, keeping him from feeling literally or metaphorically alone. Not everything can be measured in money. You aunt did a number on you; there are people who just like you and appreciate you, Sam, no strings attached, no accounting in mind at all.
It is your home. The three of you make it a home for yourselves and for Josh, and Josh makes it a home for you. None of this is to say your feelings aren't valid, rather to give you some perspective that might help. Apologies if it does not.
Jackie might in a sense be right: You might just have to let go and have faith that Josh loves you and you don't have to worry about accounting.
You're doing great, Sam. You will work it out. Hope some of this is helpful.
Post a Comment