I had a tutor kid today. It's not someone Josh's mom knows - it's a friend of a friend of a friend thing who happens to live in their neighborhood. The kid is actually pretty smart - she doesn't need any extra help. I think they just want someone to make sure her homework is done well. Now she is in second grade and I mostly just sit there and remind her to read the directions and make her handwriting neat. To be honest, I do my homework while she does hers because she needs that little attention. I don't really mind going, because the mother always leaves my pay on a table every single time with a $20 tip.
Today while we were homeworking the girl's father came home from work. He said hello and looked kind of confused - he wasn't sure who I was but didn't ask. I never had a father so I don't really know how it works, but it seems weird to me that he didn't stop walking at all, to say hi to his own kid. I mean, he said hi to her, but he didn't even pause. He didn't make eye contact or ask how school was or hug her or anything. Even sadder, she barely looked up either - like she didn't expect any more than a passing greeting.
When I was in second grade all I thought about the whole way home was everything I had to tell my mom and what I was going to teach Danielle, what Alex would have learned to do while I was at school that day, and what my grandma would be cooking. It would have been more upsetting to be ignored by my mom than to have been hit for doing something wrong. The whole thing today just seemed so awfully sad.
When we finished the girl's homework, I asked her to put it in her folder and put the folder in her bookbag. She ran off to her room. The dad poked his head out of a doorway down the hall, past the girl's room and caught my attention. He asked if he could see me for a minute. That's the exact phrase he used. "Could I see you for a minute?"
I walked down the hall and when I was about five feet away it registered that he wasn't wearing a shirt. I stopped walking and he stepped into the hall, looked behind me, and then opened a towel wrapped around his waist and asked, "How about if you help me study this now?"
What the fuck do you do with that? Especially when you're expecting a seven year old to appear any second. Oh and you're supposed to leave in a few minutes and now you feel uneasy leaving that kid home alone with that guy.
All those girly magazines - Cosmo Girl and all those? They talk about how to avoid date rape. Or what to do if you have an abusive boyfriend. Or what it's like being in a cult, or have a baby at age 14 or a pimp at age 12. I've never read an article about what to do if you're tutoring in a kid's home and the dad flashes you when nobody is looking. It was like rapidly going through spiral notebooks full of notes in my head looking for a scribble in the margin that would tell me what to do. When I was little, my brother used to tell me if any man ever held me against my will, I was to "kick them in the ding-ding as hard as you can." He used to quiz me on this. "What if they give you a lollipop?" "Kick them in the ding-ding anyway!" "Right!" I don't think my mother really liked it, us talking like that, but she never said anything.
So I considered that, but it didn't seem ... right. Necessary. What came out of my mouth seems incredibly lame. "No thanks." I turned and walked away, yelling goodbye to the girl. She ran after me, catching up at the front door to give me a hug goodbye. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
30 comments:
Oh god- that is so depressing!
If it's any consolation I think you handled it the best way possible. What a wanker!
That poor little girl...
That's awful. I would not be back and when the wife questions it just tell her that her daughter is very smart and doesn't need a tutor. You don't need her bad mouthing you to other your other clients, which may happen if you are honest with her.
What an ass that guy is!
Holy crap, that's horrible! I'm glad you're okay. I feel so sad for that little girl. *shudder*
This sounds like the plot of a bad Lifetime TV movie.
Sorry you were cast in the role of the ingenue victim...
First of all: Yikes! Scary!
You handled it just right, saying firmly and directly, "No thanks," turning around, and walking away.
My instinct was to figure out a way for you to inform on him, but RC is correct about the wife's possible reaction and your livelihood. If the daughter isn't actually in danger, you don't really have an obligation, I guess.
Are you going back? The daughter may not need actual tutoring, but it sounds like your encouragement and the example you set are helpful to her.
If you don't go back, you'll have to figure out how to end things. RC's suggestion to inform the mother that the daughter doesn't need a tutor could also prompt bad-mouthing and gain you a reputation for abandonment of clients.
You could maybe tell the mother you need to cut down on your client load, and since she is the newest one (if she is, or if she's not really at all in the same circles as the other newest ones and therefore wouldn't catch you in the lie) and her daughter is very capable, you sadly must discontinue with her.
If you do that, I would strongly suggest you both tell the mother that her daughter is welcome to call you on the phone any time she needs help or encouragement or wants to check in and also give your phone number in written form directly to the daughter and tell her the same, stressing "checking in." This way you mitigate any damage to your professional reputation with the mother, you don't actually leave the daughter feeling completely abandoned with respect to her schoolwork or the attention she's received from you, and with respect to the craziness it seems she is living with, you specifically offer yourself as a resource that she may come to realize she needs.
Not that it's your responsibility, but it wouldn't take much effort on your part, would help to alleviate any guilt you might feel, and could be a lifeline for the young girl in any number of ways.
Please consider talking to Josh's mom about this. A creep who would flash his kid's tutor is the same kind of creep who would proposition a teenage babysitter, or worse. The girl's mother needs to know.
ick
What a perv! That reminds me of my college algebra tutor who locked me in his office and tried to get it on with me. Chased me around the room. He was this married Indian guy with a bunch of kids. There are a lot of crazies out there. I wouldn't go back to that tutoring job if I were you!
OK I'm a newcomer here, but as the mom of girls about your age, I would say please, please, please tell Josh's mother. I worry about that little daughter. That is just sick. Josh's mother can help you, I'm sure. I agree that the mother of this child needs to know.
~Claire~
Me again. Not only do I worry about that little girl, I feel it is horribly wrong for him to get away with doing that to you.
~Claire~
Oh, Sam, yuck. How gross.
I hope that little girl is OK. If the dad's behaving like that with you, who knows what could be happening with the daughter.
Could you suggest that you meet the girl somewhere other than their home for the tutoring, someplace public, the library or something? I don't know.
Unlike RC, I would advocate for not going back and telling the mom exactly why. Tell her you think her daughter is great, very smart, and that you'd love to keep working with her, but not in the presence of the dad. Period. She may or may not believe you, but who could she bad-mouth you to? Does she know your other clients? I get the impression that she doesn't, but then again, since she's a friend of a friend, I suppose you need to think about the ripple effect among relationships with other people you have in common with her. Still. To be silent about it seems like too much to ask.
What a wretched situation. Part of me wishes that you had kicked him in the ding-dong, even though what you did was much more mature and rational.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I agree with Snickolett...I'm worried about the little girl. Maybe she's already "seeing him" & that's why she's avoiding eye & other contact with him. I wonder what happened after you left? Do you think she heard her father...er dick head dad...say that to you?
Such a truly horrible thing to happen to you. I agree that somehow the Mom needs to know that her husband is propositioning young women in the family home. Seems pretty brazen ? Ugg!
Take care & keep us updated. Tam
I'm the second Anonymous, the one who posted the fifth comment.
I'm now finding myself agreeing with Lin and Claire about telling Laurie and seeing what she says.
And I'm liking Snickollet's suggestion of how and what to tell the mother, plainly and simply, but the truth -- "not in the presence of your husband."
Also, it's very smart of Snickollet to have thought of a way to be able to continue tutoring the daughter while not having to return to her home.
And Tam's comment is largely the reason I am now agreeing more with the idea of informing on the father. Tam is smart for not only worrying about the daughter as the rest of us are but also to have picked up on clues that something in fact may already God forbid be going on with the daughter, or at least that she may have overheard.
(Which makes me wonder, what if you had for some reason said yes? What does that terrible father think his daughter would have been doing while you were engaged with him? Either he did what he did just for shock value and would have himself been shocked had you been agreeable, or he is an even worse father than we thought.)
As for not letting him get away with what he did to you, that in and of itself, as RC indicated, may not be worth the risk to your livelihood. But when the welfare of the young girl is considered . . .
Yes, please keep us informed!
I agree with Sickollet. How awful for you to have to deal with this.
Bec
I am horrified.
Everyone here left reasonable comments. If it were me, I'd mention it to Josh's mom. You need someone on your side if this ever comes to light.
How awful for you. And the little girl.
Hugs.
This is the Anonymous who posted both the fifth and thirteenth comment. It occurs to me, did you tell Josh, and if so, how did he react?
HI - I found your blog via a link on another blog - and something very odd struck me. Perhaps the mother knows that her daughter doesn't need tutoring - but that she'd rather the little girl were not alone in the afternoons either. That might explain the nice tip each time too. Almost making it impossible for you to *stop* coming. I think in a way the hug the little girl gave you on the way out confirms her 'need' of you.
If it were me? Tell the mother, please dear god if I were that mother - I would want someone to tell me!!!
Ness there is no need for hysterics. Little kids hug people goodbye when those they like are leaving.
I agree with Ness. I've thought about this a lot & also thought perhaps you were there for "protection." I also agree about the tip & hug ~ yes, kids sometimes give big hugs to those they like but sometimes not. My son has friends & family he adores but won't hug ~ he gets shy. This little girl may just be relieved you're there when "daddy" is there.
? I don't know but I do hope you post an update ~ I'm worried about the little girl & about you! T
We know you sometimes don't post on the weekends, and today is a civil holiday, but you haven't posted since Wednesday night/early Thursday morning (almost five days!), and this is during the month when you have been doing those daily writing assignments too. Given the topic of this your last post, we are worried. Even if you don't have time for a proper post to update us all on everything, can you just post one line to let us know you are alive? Does anyone reading this know Sam in real life?
(And if the mother knew and hired Sam for protection, that's a pretty crappy thing to do to Sam. Even if she hired Sam for tutoring for real and is just paying extra out of guilt for what Sam might have to put up with, that is still a crappy thing to do to Sam. If the mother knew/knows, she should get the guy out of there or get herself and her kid out of there.)
What is with the hysteria? Let's not be ridiculous here. Maybe Sam is busy or has a lot of school work or just plain felt like taking a break. No need to start imagining the worst.
Why are you belittling our concern and calling it hysteria? Sam doesn't tend to go this long without posting, and we care about her.
Wow. Catching up on blogs after a couple crazy weeks. This story is horrible!!! I'm so sorry you went through that, but I'm really scared for the girl you were tutoring.
This comes from having worked with abused kids, but I'd definitely tell the Mom what happened. If he's doing that with you, there's no telling what he's doing with his kid...
Off topic, but I like the series you've been doing.
This is the fifth, thirteenth, etc., Anonymous.
The more people post about it and the more I think about it, there really are a lot of clues especially in her behavior that the young girl might be being abused in some way, from being exposed to inappropriate behavior to God forbid who knows what, and that it's not just a totally separate thing that the father did this awful thing to you.
At this point I don't think a call to Child Protective Services would be at all unwarranted.
If you haven't already talked with Laurie, you might try talking with Craig. He'd know what to do to help the young girl while also protecting your interests.
Yes, call CPS, but do so with guidance from Craig or someone else who knows how it works.
Are you NUTS? Now you want Sam to call CPS in a city where children are beaten to death and preschoolers are left home to take care of babies on their own for weekends, because a grown man flashed a college girl, and that grown man happens to be a father?
CPS will laugh before they hang up on her.
Yes, tell the mother you will not tutor the girl in the presence of the father, but would be willing to meet at the library or other public place. I would imagine this is not the first time the dip-wad has pulled something like this; you might be surprised to discover that his wife is NOT surprised ...
Leslie
Anonymous said...
Are you NUTS? Now you want Sam to call CPS in a city where children are beaten to death and preschoolers are left home to take care of babies on their own for weekends, because a grown man flashed a college girl, and that grown man happens to be a father?
CPS will laugh before they hang up on her.
October 11, 2010 10:10 PM
I wonder whether this is the same Anonymous who earlier accused others of hysteria.
I almost wonder whether this Anonymous is actually the father in question.
Just because something isn't as bad as something else doesn't mean it doesn't need attention.
How dare you plant the idea in anyone's mind not to report something that needs some sort of reporting for fear of being laughed at?!
Sam checking in with Craig about whether to contact CPS and if so how would be smart. Craig would know.
a grown man flashed a college girl
Illegal in NYC, I believe, even without any of the rest of the situation, unless it being in a private home makes it somehow not an arrestable offense.
Is it possible for you to make a report to child protection services anonymously? E.g. call from a phone booth across town and refuse to provide your name but explain your situation? I'm sorry this happened to you. My guess is that mom knows or has her suspicions....
Is it possible for you to make a report to child protection services anonymously? E.g. call from a phone booth across town and refuse to provide your name but explain your situation?
CPS I believe allows for anonymous reports, but typically the subject of the inquiry can figure out who did the reporting from the details given. Anyway if Sam just calls and refuses to give much information, how helpful will reporting be?
Talking with Craig first to find out what information CPS might need, how to give a report that will do the most help, and how to at the same time protect Sam's interests, is a good idea.
Sam are you okay?
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