Even though Danielle and I are three years apart, we've always been like best friends. My mom used to joke that we thought we were twins because of how much we always stayed together. If we were apart, we always came back to each other as soon as possible. Even though we were obviously in separate classes in school, we'd play with each other at recess. When one of us would get invited to a party we would sign the card from both of us, like an old married couple of something.
Dani has come to college with me. She's sat in lectures and everything (just the big ones, where they wouldn't notice). So the other night when Josh and I were going to a Halloween party and Danielle didn't have any plans with her geek squad, I invited her to come with us. Josh shot me a weird look and we went off to talk in the kitchen. "Don't you think it's a little inappropriate to invite a girl in high school to a college party?"
Well, maybe it is for some girls. But no, not this particular girl. Danielle's pretty mature. She won't do anything stupid or embarrassing. So she came with us. I reminded her right before we walked in about never ever leaving her drink, and to not let anyone but me or Josh watch it for her. Almost the second we walked in Dani saw a girl who is the older sister of a boy at her school and she went off to say hi.
I got a drink and wandered around checking out people's costumes (way too many groups of guys went as the Chilean miners), trying to figure out if I knew them. Eventually I wound up talking with a guy who is the boyfriend of a guy I go to school with. Small world. Josh wandered over and then asked where Dani was. I didn't see her so Josh went to look around.
When he came back Josh told me he saw Dani talking closely with a boy. Turns out he is a freshman and asked for her number. They have talked a lot yesterday and today and he asked her out for Friday. All of a sudden I wish I'd listened to Josh and left Danielle home on Halloween. She is waiting for me to say it's okay before she says yes to the guy's date request. If she were in ninth grade and he was in 11th it would seem like no big deal. Something about the leap from high school to college, even though it's still the same spread of years, makes it seem like a bigger deal. Maybe I am over-thinking.
7 comments:
While I'm sure you will always worry about your sisters, you said it yourself - "Danielle's pretty mature. She won't do anything stupid or embarrassing." I think you can trust her. And just as importantly, I think she can trust you to be there for her if she needs you.
Hmm...I'm kind of on the fence on this one. Its not can you trust Danielle, of course you can, she's shown that. Its can you trust that guy. I'm still not sure on your ages but I think Dani is 15/16ish and thus a freshman in college is 18/19ish? That's kind of a big age difference. Guys in college have a lot more freedom and opportunities to do stupid crap than most guys living at home in high school.
You could say yes, you can go, but I need to know what you are doing/where you are going and you will be home by 11 (or whatever you deem to be an appropriate time.)
When I was growing up, my sister always wanted to stay out till 2 or 3 am, and my mother would say, "there's nothing to do at 2 am in this town but smoke or drink, and you don't need to be doing that, so you can be home by 11."
Go with your gut. Its usually right.
It was fine to bring Danielle to the party, for the reasons you explain.
I agree that you can trust Danielle, but it's the guy that you can't yet trust.
It would also be different had they been in 9th and 11th respectively when they first got to know each other and only now were they respectively in high school and college.
My suggestion is to not quite give your permission for her to go out on a date, but instead have her invite him over to join you all for dinner for an initial kind of date. If he is at all cool he will agree.
If things seem okay during dinner, you can suggest they then go get ice cream together, perhaps under the guise of going to pick up ice cream for the rest of you, so they can in fact have a little more a real date at the end of the evening.
It was so nice to learn the history of your relationship with Dani. That she still seeks your okay is impressive.
Just asked my sons friends(freshman in college)and they said "NO.The kids goal is to have sex with her." (ok maybe a bit jaded)they thought her being in high school was a red flag in the guys character.If Danielle is that mature than the kids expectation will include sex.which in itself is ok if danielle's already active.will she be willing to stop her interesting crush now that its started?will she be angry with you for controlling her?the bus may have already left the station. oh who knows maybe hes a bit young for his age and hasn't made the full leap to college life.
guess you're going to have to get to know him if she wants to date him.ahhh why is Josh so right on these things? ok this comment wasn't helpful.lol good luck Sam,you always seem to make the right decisions.keep us posted.
I think maturity is the most important thing in your post here. I have two sisters 16 and 17 and the older one is really mature for her age and the younger very immature. Gess always makes the right decisions she is in 11th grade and she gos on 'dates' with guys from her grade to second year varsity all these boys are friends and she keeps them that way. She doesnt feel comfortable with the sexual side of the relationship and cant seem to find the right person for her. But my mom has never told her not to go somewere she felt she could handle the situation. I dont think any teen high school or college would be ok with a dinner date with the family and i think Dani may be uncomfortable with that (maybe not?) I think if she can promise to go and stay somwere neutral like a coffee shop on a saturday or sunday afternoon so she can see what the guys intentions actually are, maybe the comenter is right maybe he is immature for his age and that wouuld balance it out - you never know but trust is all you have.
When I was a junior in hs, I met and sparked up a relationship with a friend of my sister's from her college.
I was smitten. I wanted to lose my virginity to him.
He dismissed that idea even though he liked me, too. I can't say I was thrilled at the time to be rejected or that I'm really glad things worked out the way they did (we stopped dating after that.)
But now that I'm an adult (nearly 40, thanks), I completely understand his hesitation in taking the relationship to the next level. And I have a ton of respect for him for not crossing that line with me. I don't think many guys his age would have thought twice about it. I'm not sure if we had had sex that I'd know now if he liked me for me or was just taking advantage of me. Who knows? This way I know for sure he cared for me.
Anyway, I'm not sure what advice I'd give you. I can definitely see both sides of the coin. In the long run, you don't have much control over who Dani spends time with or what she does with them. It sounds like you're able to have the important conversations that will help her make decisions for herself that she can live with in the long run. If she doesn't put herself in a situation she'll regret if this guy turns out to be a real twerp, I think she'll be alright.
It's weird for the guy, but I like the idea of having him over for dinner to check him out. Or have them meet at a local coffee shop, something low key.
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