Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Mean and sad

In a way I was always glad Aunt Elaine sucked so much. That way if she died I wouldn't have to be sad about it.  There is something wrong with me, because I never get all the way close to people, in case they die. I know most people don't die. Well obviously everyone dies eventually, but I mean like most people die at a normal place in life. Like when they're old. But I can't relate to people or situations that way. I am always prepared for people to stop being there tomorrow, and to have to move. Any time I get something new, it mentally goes in a pile of things I would let go if we left in a hurry, or a pile of things I'd make sure to take.

I don't even want to own lots of stuff. Partially because I'll be sad if I lose it and partially because it'll be hard having to move it all. This is fucked up, I know.

When Laurie called to ask what I wanted for Christmas, it made me uncomfortable. If they called it in, I would owe them thousands and thousands of dollars. To have to pay them back and pay for a place and everything that goes with that, all by myself? It would be really, really scary. I don't want to live so big that the fall back down is too harsh. I want to stay close. So I couldn't tell Laurie anything that she wanted to hear, like clothing or an iPad or whatever people usually say.

Once I overheard Laurie telling Josh she hopes I don't hold him at a distance like I do with her and John. Not sure what Josh's response was, but the truth is I totally do.

Despite the almost half-dozen people I've reached out to this year, the ONE person to contact me this week to hang out is Joe. I stayed up past 2am making holiday cards for everyone, even making sure to get the ones to the Jewish people out before Channukah ended. Of all people. I haven't responded to his e-mail.


OTRgirl said...

Self-protection is such a tricky thing. It keeps one from being hurt, but then creates a barrier as well. I don't have a good answer cause I tend to protect myself to my own detriment, too.

Yankee, Transferred said...

That arm's length approach is a hard one to change, if it even needs changing. Your fear of everything disappearing is natural-not that you need some stranger on the internet to validate you. ;)

Merry Christmas, Sam. I hope what you get for Christmas is peace and harmony. Much better than an IPad.

Anonymous said...

Not fucked up. Makes sense.

Is Josh's father Tom or John?

Yankee, Transferred said...

Merry Christmas, Sam.