Mean and sad

In a way I was always glad Aunt Elaine sucked so much. That way if she died I wouldn't have to be sad about it.  There is something wrong with me, because I never get all the way close to people, in case they die. I know most people don't die. Well obviously everyone dies eventually, but I mean like most people die at a normal place in life. Like when they're old. But I can't relate to people or situations that way. I am always prepared for people to stop being there tomorrow, and to have to move. Any time I get something new, it mentally goes in a pile of things I would let go if we left in a hurry, or a pile of things I'd make sure to take.

I don't even want to own lots of stuff. Partially because I'll be sad if I lose it and partially because it'll be hard having to move it all. This is fucked up, I know.

When Laurie called to ask what I wanted for Christmas, it made me uncomfortable. If they called it in, I would owe them thousands and thousands of dollars. To have to pay them back and pay for a place and everything that goes with that, all by myself? It would be really, really scary. I don't want to live so big that the fall back down is too harsh. I want to stay close. So I couldn't tell Laurie anything that she wanted to hear, like clothing or an iPad or whatever people usually say.

Once I overheard Laurie telling Josh she hopes I don't hold him at a distance like I do with her and John. Not sure what Josh's response was, but the truth is I totally do.

Despite the almost half-dozen people I've reached out to this year, the ONE person to contact me this week to hang out is Joe. I stayed up past 2am making holiday cards for everyone, even making sure to get the ones to the Jewish people out before Channukah ended. Of all people. I haven't responded to his e-mail.