Thursday, February 10, 2011

Not the good one

After vacation I was on a high or something, but then somehow it crashed and ever since I've been in a funk. Everything is negative, negative, negative. Every little thing makes me so much angrier than the situation requires. When I'm in line and the person in front of me doesn't move forward timely because they're on their phone, instead of just rolling my eyes, I glare and the rage surges through me.

I hate the rage thing. To be honest it kind of scares me because it's always surprising when it hasn't overtaken me and caused me to beat the shit out of people. It's like it is in control of me, instead of me being in control of it. It's just a miracle it hasn't landed me in jail or something. I hate myself.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Please don't hate yourself Sam! Feelings are feelings. So sorry the rage is so powerful lately. You are doing a great job being aware of it. Must be awful to feel it is controlling you, but you haven't actually acted upon it! Feeling rage surge through you is not pleasant; when that happens, can you distract yourself? Think of something fun from the vacation, something Alex did that made you laugh, something Josh did that made you melt, a funny joke. Also, have a snack. Are you still running/working out/swimming most days? Have you considered taking up boxing or karate or krav maga? If you have off for Presidents' Day perhaps take a mini-vacation.

Anonymous said...

You're not alone. Rage is really hard. Try not to judge yourself for it. It's a human response like any other. If you can, let yourself identify it in the moment, name it, recognize it.. and hopefully that will help you set it aside for a little while.

Good luck.

Mizasiwa said...

Dont hate yourself!! Rage is a noramal response for some people when dealing with a new situation or depresson. I deal with feeling like i need to kill the person in front of me for not moving (same as you ;-)
it drives me crazy!!! just watch out not sure how it works for you but after the insane anger i always get really really sad and land up crying for absolutly nothing!! which i find insane but thats my life. Im thinking of you....

Yankee, Transferred said...

I'm sorry you feel rage and that you hate yourself for it.

Only time and age have erased that trigger-finger anger from my world.

Chris (a girl :P) said...

Some people try so hard to "not judge themselves too hard" that they end up justifying their rage and their angry actions. And I don't mean murderers. I mean people you see on the street, and people you're friends with and who scare you when they yell their throats off and then claim you made them do it. I applaud you for recognising it as a problem.

At the same time, please don't hate yourself over it. You are a bright, lovely young woman and this is a serious issue but anger does not define you. Not now. It was just a rebound from your "high" and probably gone by the time I'm writing this. There's a big difference between people who get angry and people who act on their anger.