Tuesday, May 10, 2011

How to be a family

Josh and I went running last night, and I bitched to him about the dinner thing for a few blocks.

Josh: You need to call a family meeting.
Me: A what now?
Josh: Family meeting. Rally the troops.
Me: Um, I'm anti-military.
Josh: That's not what it means. You gotta call a meeting. Say your issue, then everyone responds saying their understanding of your problem, and how they can help. This is what family's do.
Me: We never did that.
Josh: Maybe it's a nuclear family thing.

I don't know. We're Italian. If my mom was upset about something, she yelled and then when she stopped yelling, she was over it. There were no formal meetings. Of course we weren't a nuclear family. Hell, it was really rare for there to ever be just the four of us since we always had people in and out of the house.

Josh offered to call a family meeting when we got home. I told him he could, but I didn't think it'd work with my sisters. He insisted it would.

We got home, and I went to shower. Alex and Danielle were told we were having a family meeting in 20 minutes. There was stunned silence. Josh came into the bathroom and sat on the sink to tell me that when he walked out of their room he heard my sister whisper she'd look up what it meant.

Sometimes it is so hard to understand how we each made it to this point in life, alive, without living the way the other one did.

Yeah. We didn't get the family meeting. We decided to sit at the dining room table since it felt formal. We raised our hands. It was clear Josh was trying to not get annoyed with us. He had me say what bothered me. "Nobody else makes dinner." He tried to get my sisters to say what they thought I'd said. "We heard her." "We know what she said, why are we wasting time repeating her?"

He tried to get them to say what they'd do to help. "So we'll help." He wanted them to say how. He yelled at them it was like pulling teeth. At one point, Josh even slammed his hand down on the table. I stuck my face in his. "Would you say you just got a whoosh of anger? Are you enraged now?"

Josh put his head down on the table. Actually, it was more like he banged it down. On purpose. A few times. In a very defeated voice, "Meeting adjourned."

Clearly these meetings really are just for nuclear families. Trying to do one with my sisters caused Josh to have to go lay down on the bed and call his parents. He still can't believe it didn't take. I think it did though - he called me at 4 to ask what was for dinner and when I got home the table was set and all the ingredients were washed and laid out.

9 comments:

Yankee, Transferred said...

I'm howling over here with the visual of Josh banging his head on the table. I love the way you write, and I love your family.

Anonymous said...

My thought is that if you were still bitching to Josh about the dinner thing, then it was still bothering you. Italian or not, perhaps you weren't over it after all.

It appears that Josh was just trying to make sure that everyone was communicating and on the same page about the dinner issue. He was suggesting another method in which you could try to get the problem resolved to your satisfaction.

The communication exercise he described and tried to get you and your sisters to participate in works for families, couples, friends, work situation, etc. It's not specifically a nuclear family thing. It's about talking and listening and perception; you can Google and find out more.

Also consider that your mom might not have actually been "over" something after the yelling stopped, that it just appeared that way outwardly. That was your perception as a young child. She may have employed the same methods as Josh's family in a different manner. Just something to think about.

His intentions were good but using the term "family meeting" might have been a mistake. I kind of feel bad for him.

Kathy

Anonymous said...

All a family meeting really is, is getting together as a group to sort out and issue and come up with a plan. Its possible your Mom didn't really do them with you because of your ages -- they are pretty hard to do properly with a group of young children. But I think lots of families just start doing then automatically once kids get older and are given more responsibility in the family group (even if they don't call them a "family meeting"). My kids are 6 and 4 right now and a family meeting would dissolve into ridiculousness within moments of it starting....

That said, a lot of people don't know how to run, or participate in, a meeting -- either at home or at work. It does take a certain amount of focus and practice to make sure meetings lead to concrete ideas and a division of responsibilities rather than just vague ideas like "we will help"!

Anonymous said...

Yes, you can call it a "house meeting" or anything you like. It's a great idea to have a more formal time and practice to communicate important things about living together. It will also give your sisters a foundation for participating in meetings in the future. House meetings can have an agenda. You can schedule them periodically, in advance, even if you don't have a specific problem to discuss. You can rotate who will "chair" the meeting or facilitate it. And the method Josh was trying to employ: one person stating a position, the others repeating what they think they heard.. is a GREAT way to improve communication, even if it seems a little silly at first. It's amazing how one person saying something can be heard differently by different people. You might say "I'm tired of making dinner for everyone." You might really mean "I need some help sometimes." Someone might hear "I don't want to cook for you anymore." When a person tells you what they heard, it gives you an opportunity to clarify and be better understood. Communicating takes work!

I hope you find value in Josh's suggestion. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

This post cracked me up, especially the end. How are you not working as a syndicated columnist for a national publication?

Nina said...

Agreeing with your commenters - I don't think it's a nuclear family thing, just a thing that can help families communicate when they're having some trouble communicating. It doesn't have to be formal, but I guess if something is bothering somebody in the family and there hasn't been a "space" (like nobody's listening or making an effort to make things better, not an actual physical space) to air things out...then sometimes doing something more formal can create that space. Like therapy? But without the therapist?

Nina said...

Agreeing with your commenters - I don't think it's a nuclear family thing, just a thing that can help families communicate when they're having some trouble communicating. It doesn't have to be formal, but I guess if something is bothering somebody in the family and there hasn't been a "space" (like nobody's listening or making an effort to make things better, not an actual physical space) to air things out...then sometimes doing something more formal can create that space. Like therapy? But without the therapist?

Abby said...

Is it awful that I'm laughing this hard. I love you guys. I love Josh too. If you ever do make it to Israel, let me know!

Anonymous said...

Anti-military in what way?