Monday, November 28, 2011

Never old enough

We were at Josh's for the holiday, and I overheard him asking his mom how old she was when she and his dad got engaged. We agreed ages ago that we wouldn't even consider getting engaged until we'd lived together without my sisters. Unless we're in our bedroom with the door closed, all our conversations are interrupted by a sister. I think the only exception to that was our Florida trip. Which went well, but still. That's not enough of a test run. We need like a full year or something.

Josh asked me to think about getting engaged but then not getting married until we'd had time without my sisters. To be honest, I can't picture being married. I wish there was a list of what you're supposed to do as a wife. When I googled it, all that I found were things that seemed either religious or from the '50's. How do you ... be a wife? How do you know you're qualified?

I told Josh that I can't see myself having a wedding like those people on the tv shows. You know the girls who spend $5,000 on a wedding dress? Spending $5,000 on an entire wedding seems crazy to me. Josh just laughed at me, but I figured it's probably best to start managing expectations in advance. Bet you anything if I asked Alex, she's already got it all planned out.

It makes me nervous to know Josh is thinking about all this. I worry he'll spring a proposal when I'm not prepared, and the surprise will make me hurt his feelings. It's too bad I can't just get him to agree we won't bring it up on any level until we're like 35. There are still times I don't even feel old enough to be living with a boy.


Aneets said...

I think living together with your sisters is more of a test of the relationship than on your own!

Nothing wrong with a long engagement though.

Lil'Sis said...

I agree, living and managing kids is a HUGE test run for a boyfriend. My husband and I were engaged for just over 3 years after being together for several years prior to that and living together. We're together now 20 years and 3 kids, plenty of happy, sad, fun and fights behind us. I don't think there's a blue print, it's what you make it and it's work don't let anyone tell you different. Things about relationships change all the time, but if at the heart of it there's love, trust and respect and you can remember that during the good and the bad, it's a damn good foundation.

Much love and hope you all had a good Thanksgiving, can't believe another year almost gone by!

Suzanne said...

Sweetie, I hate to break it to you. You are already a wife and mother.
The real question you want to spend everyday of the rest of your life with Josh?

Sara said...

Here's what you need to do to be a wife: 1) love your husband and 2) work together with him as a team. Done! Every relationship works differently...there's no checklist that will tell you if you're ready to be a wife. Is there something specific that scares you about being married?

Lisa @ Trapped In North Jersey said...

I have to agree with the previous poster who said you already are a wife and mom, basically. There's no list for being a wife, you just need to love your husband, want to share your life with him for the next fifty years, and be willing to work as team for the both of you.

Marriage and motherhood have the common theme of sometimes (frequently) putting someone else's needs and wants before your own. You've already done that for years. I would think that when Alex is off to college you might want a few years of no commitment and not being responsible for others needs and wants, rather than getting married.

I'm not saying jump ship when Alex goes off to college, merely that getting married comes with its own set of responsibilities that you might want to delay while you do other stuff, with or without Josh.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the previous posters, too. The only part of being married you haven't done yet is the part where you're committed to the other person for (ideally) the rest of your life. There's no good reason to rush into that commitment.

As for the cost of a wedding. If you stay with Josh you'll have to get used to the idea of spending a whole lot more money than a few grand on a wedding. Everything you do together for the rest of your lives is going to cost a ton more than that! And it seems he and his family have no intention of reducing their spending just because you're part of the equation. Get over it if you want a life with Josh. Seriously.

Jennfactor 10 said...

I agree with what everyone has said (especially about getting used to the money, that will be a biggie for you).
Do you want the same things out of life in the grand scheme of things? Are you up for kids? As long as you go into it knowing that it takes work to keep a marriage healthy, I think you guys already have a great base.
Let me add my own experience though-- I had lived with my honey for several years and when he proposed, I thought he was doing it for me. So I said yes, but that was as far as I took it, and years passed before I finally realized that he was really hurt by my lack of follow thru. Our situation was a little different, but I think the hurt would be the same. If you say yes, set a date, even if it's four years from then. We just got married after ten years, and my one regret is that he spent so long feeling like an afterthought.

Anonymous said...

There is no check list. Do you love him - even during the bad times? My Mom always said don't marry the person you can live with, marry the person you can't live without. You are already essentially married - having the piece of paper and the ring doesn't change the ins and outs of a relationship. Getting engaged is not life-shattering, it's wonderful so is being married when you marry the right person. You've lived with Josh under difficult circumstances (having 2 younger sisters) so I can't imagine things not being easier when it's just the two of you. Josh comes from money, he will always have money, enjoy the life it can provide for you, the lack of stress whether you can pay rent or have electricity or food. Josh seems to be a great guy who treats you well, that you enjoy spending time with - what more could anyone ask in a fiance or husband???

Yankee, Transferred said...

Don't ask me, I was 48 when I met my spouse. Up til then, everything always felt temporary...and was.
You'll know when it's right. Don't rush.