I was staring at this funnel and thinking about something Doug told me a few months ago. It was when I talked to him about my anger issue. He told me he'd had an anger problem too and his way of managing it is to accept that it takes a lot of energy to be angry, and less energy to just let things go, accept them as they are. As soon as he feels it coming, he thinks about if what he's getting angry about is worth the anger. Then he always tries to see the situation from other people's sides. It all sounds so lame, like what you'd read in a magazine, but Iam trying to remember to try it just in case.
So I'm staring at the funnel and thinking about how enraged it makes me that my sisters don't stress about everything as much as I do, and it's not fair. They don't stress because they know Ido. Basically, I realized it's jealousy. I'm jealous. It's like I'm at the top of the funnel dealing with everything as it hits full force, then Dani's right near the smallest part inside dealing with whatever Icouldn't handle, and Alex is right outside the hole, twirling around mostly ignoring everything.
It's not fair. Why can't I be Alex? Why does Alex get to be Alex? But really she lost too. I get the most mommy memories. She has the least. Maybe she's jealous of me. When she was little she used to lie and say she remembered things Dani and I would talk about. Sometimes it'd be things she wasn't even there for. Right there is our trade. She gets almost no stress, I get almost all the memories. It's not Al's fault she got born last. I wish sometimes we could trade places on the funnel.
Maybe I worry too much. When you worry that you'll worry forever that's a bad sign, right? I worried even on vacation. Barely slept late. Alex will dance out the door and not think twice about whether she remembered her lunch and keys. I'm jealous of that too. I wonder where other people feel like they stand on the funnel.