Friday, June 29, 2012

The bunny is running out

Sometimes when I lay down at night, I wish there was a way to lay down more, harder somehow. Regular laying down isn't enough. It is so fucking hot. I am tempted to change out of my fancy clothes and toss on my tank top with spaghetti straps and jeans skirt at the end of the day, just to get home.

You can't do that. They're really uptight. They're also really like ... thinky. The only non-work stuff they ever talk about is news. Getting up 15 minutes early each morning to read CNN before work is really paying off. I wonder if everyone is secretly cramming in the news before work, to impress and keep up with whoever is higher up than them. I envision some rich president with fancy hair they get cut every two weeks sitting in a fancy leather chair watching over all of us scurrying to keep up and laughing. "Dance puppets, dance!"

Dancing is tiring. I am tired. Of wearing fancy clothes. Of trying to behave like someone who should be wearing the fancy clothes. Of keeping my mouth shut at work. Both to people I work for (which feels like everyone) and people I work with. Of being in charge of fixing all my sisters problems. It almost seems like they don't think because they rely on me thinking for them. They will cook dinner but only if I tell them what to make. If we don't have an ingredient it is on me to tell them how to improvise. I am tired. This is my excuse for eating Italian ices in bed tonight.


Lil'Sis said...

Sounds like a weekend away would help recharge, we're doing it this weekend, and on the cheap:) When I feel the way you describe during the week I just repeat in my head, "hang in, hang in, hang in"...probably not too helpful but it's what I got so hang in, it's Friday!

Karen said...

Remember when you had a broken elbow and everyone stepped up? Remind your sisters that they CAN step up and then plan to not rescue them when they fail. It might take a few nights of weird dinner, or a few days of dirty laundry, but your sisters CAN take charge and you need to LET THEM.

And yes, you are working with a bunch of thinky people. This is a great opportunity for you to glimpse what your future might be like in this kind of firm. Either you think you can adapt and grow into that different culture, or you don't. The culture is not going to change for you. Perhaps your accounting career can start in a big firm but end up with you working as CFO in a smaller, looser kind of place.

Anonymous said...

Adding on to what Karen said above: What you're experiencing right now is culture shock. It is exhausting. When you're in culture shock your brain is running at high capacity because you are hyper aware of your surroundings, always trying to guess what the next new experience you'll confront will be. It's not conscious, it's just a natural reaction to being out of your comfort zone. That's why babies fall asleep all the time - they're in a perpetual state of input-overload and culture shock.

Don't worry, it will wear off and you'll start to know more what to expect and how to behave without having to try so hard. Give it some time.

And enjoy the Italian Ice!