Friday, January 18, 2013

Breakdowns or something

Lately I've been really bitchy. I am kind of over everything. Normally when I get pms it's a few hours of bitchy thoughts (and maybe one or two bitchy comments slide out), combined when a few hours of seeing everything in a really negative light. Except these days it's like I've had pms for two or three months.

Luckily I managed to keep my mouth shut through the holidays and kept faking it when I wasn't feeling it, but lately I'm hurting feelings left and right. It's getting harder and harder to do the barest minimum for my sisters. To keep from screaming at them to make their own fucking meals, do their own fucking laundry, go solve their own fucking problems of not being able to find a clean towel.

There's a strong jealousy component to it - despite all my attempts, all the different schedules set up, everyone asks me what's planned for dinner. Why is your dinner my problem? Go figure out how to feed yourself. I spent HOURS in middle school copying down recipes in the library before we got a computer. They have the internet at home - so why can't they look up recipes and make their own food?

Danielle wanted to move out so badly and I wouldn't support her so she's here and I resent the hell out of her. What the fuck IS that? Alex got hurt at school doing something totally legitimate and needs help and I resent the hell out of her.

I hate myself.


Nina said...

Oh Sam...honestly, it makes sense. Not that you should resent them, but it does make sense that you feel that. Because you did have to do (and continue to do) all these things that they didn't have to do.

You can go ahead and ignore this, but I think in some ways, they may never completely "grow up" until they aren't living with you anymore. Like any family, it's hard to break out of entrenched roles like that. You're not their mom, but you took on a parental role because there wasn't any other adult to do that. In a way, they treat you very much like teenagers treat their parents - taking all the sacrifices they make for granted, feeling entitled. But you naturally resist that because, of course, you aren't their parent - you're their sister and ideally you guys would be on an equal footing.

Anyway, I'm rambling and spouting psycho-babble so I should stop...but it sounds like maybe you could actually use somebody to talk through this stuff with. And...I don't they even know that you feel like this?

Anyway, I'm sorry you're feeling down and angry lately Sam. It sucks and I wish it didn't. :(

Alisha said...

What Nina said. :-/

Lil'Sis said...