Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Come to Jesus

This morning Alex and I had a big talk. Like a huge, life-changing, down and dirty honest talk. There may have been crying involved. And screaming. I hadn't realized how much we were talking around instead of about. Or how unhappy and scared Alex is, and has been. For a long time. A long, long time. Like years.

It feels like I've failed. I thought I was doing everything. It turns out I was doing the bare minimum. It felt like everything I had, I shared. Alex felt like everything I had, she got the tiniest bit of, and only after the novelty of having it had warn off and someone else had used it first.

We are living together but it turns out we are seeing everything completely oppositely. Just. Totally. Raw.


Chris said...

Alex may be unhappy and scared. But if she's anything like any other teen, she is also happy and feels protected. It's just that at this time those emotions are stronger and the raw intensity of it makes it seem like it's "always" like that. It's not. You have been her shelter and comfort for many years now.

It sucks for the youngest to get the hand-me-downs and having to take orders from everyone else, but they're also the ones who don't have to grow up as fast.

I know it sounds cheap to say it, and I'm not saying you do everything right. But as long as you're both willing to listen and improve and forgive each other, you'll make it.

My youngest sister -- I'm the eldest of three girls, too -- decided at some point she would not dress/draw like me any longer (she used to imitate me a lot, which was of course annoying), and went through a phase where in order to affirm herself she had to belittle everything I did and said. Wasn't pretty, but fortunately she's (nearly) over it.

Karen said...

My younger sister is still doing things just because I don't do them, and I just turned 50.

Sam - you and Alex are going to be fine. Both of you have good reasons to be resentful and also good reasons to be grateful. The moods will ultimately balance out. I'm sorry this conversation was so raw for you, but I'm glad you had it. You are very strong to face these issues head on.

I want to point out also that the last semester of college is one that is always filled with angst and sometimes abject terror. Do not get down on yourself for having wild mood swings during this time. It is totally normal. This is a big transition time for you, even if you think you've already been acting like an adult for many years. Josh is probably feeling some of the same things, too, even if he doesn't realize it.