Monday, January 26, 2015

Men need respect more than love

This was Amanda's comment a couple of weeks ago:
Men need respect more than love ( which is hard for most women to grasp). They also love to give practical gifts and problem solve. Josh has done all of these things in giving Dani two very practical gifts that will be helpful with both college and keeping in contact, thus peace of mind for you. Set aside the monetary issue and sincerely thank him for all he has done to help you raise your sisters, A job most young boyfriends would never sign up for. By you, and Dani, thanking him in a most sincere manner he will feel both respected and loved. Any rejection of his gift or ill feelings about the covert purchase would be disrespectful in his view. 
I haven't been able to get this out of my head. I've re-read it forty times. Someone at work gave this whole (non work-related) talk about love languages and how different people show their love in different ways. My way is food. Maybe Josh's way is by throwing money at solving problems.

It feels like a very heavy responsibility to have a good relationship because my sisters are watching so closely. What if I haven't been respecting Josh enough all this time and my sisters are going off all set to not respect their boyfriends and all three of us wind up spinsters? How do you talk about "respecting" your man without sounding like a submissive Christian wife? Have I been fucking up my relationship for the last half a decade?? Ugh.


Monica said...

I'm just going to answer one part of your question because it's a very individual process to find the right relationship and while your sisters will be influenced by you and Josh, adults have the ability to make their own decisions and move beyond their past. You've given them a ton of good tools to work with, your relationship is not necessarily their future, whether its good or bad.

Apparently I'm addressing two points because that's not the one I started out with ;). You asked "How do you talk about "respecting" your man without sounding like a submissive Christian wife?" and the answer to that one is that respect must be multidirectional. You need him to respect you and your choices and your needs as much as you respect his. Compromise is a pain in the butt but it's the key to successful relationships of all types.

Anonymous said...

Given that you guys have been together more than half a decade, you must be doing something right.

Tina said...

Interesting that you called out that comment, because that one stayed with me too after I'd read it ... and made me think about my husband a little differently. Amanda, thank you for your very insightful and articulate comment!

Amanda said...

I'm flattered to be mentioned in your blog. When I first read about the survey saying men preferred to be treated with respect more than being told they were "loved" I was shocked ( as were those who held the survey)!
I have as many guy friends as girlfriends so I started telling them how much I appreciated things they had done for me. Not that I was mean before, but I realized how much they lit up when told that they had done well and that it was truly appreciated. We all say "thanks" and "I love you" but they often come across as glib and without as much sincerity as they should. I have to frequently remind myself that I need to do this and that my daughter and others are watching. We've all seen the couple who nag and degrade each other in front of others. In fact, that was what the men surveyed hated the most.... The disrespect and public humiliation. I want my daughter to be in respectful friendships and relationships so I mention this often so she makes wise choices. Being appreciative doesn't mean being submissive! I tell her to avoid that!!

Rosie said...

First of all, you might want to ask if him if that is what he needs. Not all guys are alike, just like not all girls are alike. Or, if you're not comfortable talking about it, show your appreciation and respect and observe how he responds to that. You have mistreated or disrespected him; remember, he's with you because of who you are and how you treat him. But with all of us, there is always room for improvement. Finally, from what I can see, you've set a fine example for your sisters.

Rosie said...