Dormant

I'm sick. Really, I never got all the way better from the last time I was sick, and now it's revving up again. The last three mornings when I wake up my throat hurts. My chest feels heavy all the time.

Yesterday I spit the stuff I coughed up into a garbage in a parking lot and some mother was with her kid and said to her, "Don't ever do that; it is NOT ladylike," and I was in such a bad mood that I gave her the finger and said, "Neither is this."

Swallowing that stuff is how you get bronchitis. Is it more important that I be ladylike or that I not get bronchitis? Because you know, if I get it, my sisters get it. There is no way to share a room with people and not get them sick.

Can I Be Done Having Fun Now Please?

Aunt Elaine is not expecting me back until Saturday. And she kind of told me we're not welcome back until then. But you know how much I'm not having fun if I want to go back.

Playing house is not like I thought it would be. The dog doesn't like me - I think it's because my clothes smell like smoke. Josh went to the movies with his friends without me. He said it was because I was working and he knew I wouldn't want to see the movie anyway. Which is true. But they went into the city after that and did all this fun stuff I would have wanted to do too. We're kind of not getting along. I don't want to go to sleep.

Work is kind of depressing this week. Every single person who comes in is talking about their Christmas presents and what they got. Plus, how did I not realize hostessing would mean standing right by the front door for hours on end? I get blasted with cold air every six seconds.

Craig brought Alex tonight like he said he would and she was all excited. She told me they made homemade ice cream last night and they play games at dinner and Craig made Alex pancakes in the shape of Mickey Mouse for breakfast today and yesterday they brought her breakfast in bed.

It made me in a really bad mood and I didn't feel like talking to Craig. He told me his wife wants to take Alex shopping tomorrow as a thank you and asked if that's okay. I told him since they're paying her they don't have to do that.

I fucking hate everybody.

My Chest Hurts

If the universe is going to be mean enough to make my chest hurt, it's only right that my boobs get bigger. That's fair, right?

Yesterday morning I dropped Alex off at Craig's house. He wasn't there and Mrs. Craig made us hot chocolate (with milk, not water) and marshmallows. Alex is sleeping in their study/guest room and Mrs. Craig apologized that the room was a little cluttered. Ummm... no it's not. Alex and I just looked at each other. She doesn't know from cluttered. That room was NOT cluttered. They cleaned out two drawers for Alex to put her clothes in but everything fit in one. You don't need that much for a week.

It was really hard to leave and we both cried. Alex has never ever been gone for more than one night. And the retarded thing was that I was seeing her today - for the Christmas party.

They are fancy - cloth napkins and no food in the living room and coasters and all the towels in the bathroom are perfectly folded. I told Alex to fold her towel really carefully and wipe up any water she gets on the bathroom floor after her shower.

I called last night and Alex said she was scared to go to sleep by herself. She said this was a terrible idea and she'd rather be scared being alone with Aunt Elaine and she should have said she'd come each day to mother's help but not sleep there. In her entire life Alex has never slept in a room by herself. Al made me promise if she couldn't fall asleep by midnight and called me, I would come over. She didn't call and when we talked this morning she was kind of surprised at herself that she made it all night.

When I got there this afternoon to pick her up for the party, Alex's hair was in a french braid and her clothes looked funny. Mrs. Craig IRONED Alex's shirt for her. Ironed. Her. Shirt. Oh, and she lent Alex a necklace to wear for the party. A real gold necklace. It was very weird to see her like that. On the way to Josh's I was sad and angry. Even now if I think about it I still am. Alex got a bunch of compliments on her hair. Mrs. Josh is so nice - she had this long talk with Alex about how hard it is to take care of a baby and how you worry that you're doing it right and Alex is giving Mrs. Craig a great thing in letting her have a break this week and the baby is lucky to have Alex.

Alex was like ... beaming. Totally so happy. On our way out Mrs. Josh pulled me aside and told me she was sorry if she was monopolizing Alex's time too much and she forgot we'd probably want to catch up. Josh said later when I saw his mom and Alex in the kitchen I had a really angry look on my face. Next time I see Alex is Thursday when I go for shrinking.

When we got back to Craig's, Alex and I called Danielle. She is having so much fun. The Malaika's gave her christmas presents, so I'm really glad I sent her with stuff for them. Dani got headbands and a sweater and three pairs of really nice socks from the Gap and fancy chocolate. And that's on TOP of them taking her skiing for the whole week. People are crazy. I don't know how they do so much nice stuff.

Dani said she's really good at skiing and has only fallen down twice. She said there are all these other snow sports besides skiing that they're doing too, and she is drinking like three hot chocolates each day and she and Malaika stay up late every single night.

It feels like something is pressing into my chest on the inside underneath the skin. Sometimes it doesn't hurt as much. Like when I am doing stuff and talking to people. But when I lay down and it's quiet my chest hurts so much I almost can't breathe and crying makes it even worse.

This week can't be over fast enough. This was a horrible idea.

Alex On Everything

On Danielle having left for her trip: Now I want to die. But just until Dani comes home. Then wake me up.

On my new job: I like it. You eat dinner there, and that means more for us!

On our aloe plant which has been alive for almost half her life: Aloe works on cuts, but it STINKS.

On Christmas: Where do all the christmas trees go after christmas? Really? Just thrown out in the street? Somebody should find a way to recycle them.

On her mothers helper job: Don't forget to call me every night. And every morning in case I die in my sleep. And in the middle of the day so I get a surprise and it makes me happy.

On my giving Danielle $100 to take with her on her trip: I'm going on a trip too. What? Why are you laughing at me? Don't I get money?

On Aunt Elaine being home alone without any of us for a few days: At first she'll be happy but then she'll finish all the food and be angry nobody's here to send to the store and clean up the kitchen.

On the idea that Jamie-Lynn Spears' pregnancy affects her ability to be an idol to people Al's age: She is? I didn't know she was supposed to be my idol. Am I supposed to have one? Then Dani and you are my idols. Wait, which one is she? Is she the Hannah Montana girl or the Zoey girl? Whatever. It's dumb to keep a baby if you're still a kid, but I don't care. Maybe they're just dumb sisters and it runs in the family.

On me going to college: When we go to college it's going to be AWESOME! We're going to get a dog, and cable with all the good channels, and food from Trader Joe's...

On being reminded that college costs money and won't be giving me money: Oh. But we can still get our dog, right?

On names for our dog we're apparently getting: Topher! Daisy! Or Luca! Ernie! What, it could be a girl's name! Pepper! Let's name it after us and call it Samalda! We might need to get more than one dog.

I'll Have To Think About It Some More

Stefania and Liza came to visit me at work today. We were talking about the whole getting pregnant thing and Liza said, "If everyone just figured they'd be having an abortion at some point in their lifetime, we'd all just relax."

Isn't that like the exact attitude the pro-life people hate? Or think the pro-choice people have, or something? I'm like ... 80% sure if I got pregnant I'd get an abortion but I don't want to approach it like a given, like if you go out in the rain chances are good you'll still get wet even with an umbrella.

Stefania said the key is to not even wait to see if you're pregnant. If you think in any way you might be, then that's exactly what the morning after pill is for. What the hell is wrong with me that I can't approach it like my friends do?

Questions (This Means You Answer)

If you've been invited to somebody's house for Christmas, but they don't celebrate it, do you still have to bring them something? Josh's parents are throwing what is almost their weekly party on Christmas. But they're Jewish. They said I should bring Alex. (Can I give her as a gift?)

Also, when I get there, do I bother saying Merry Christmas to them, or no? I asked Josh, and he said it's not a Christmas party, just a party that happens to be on Christmas. Which makes me think I don't. But it's just such a big holiday, that surely you do. Or no? I'm so confused.

And while you're answering questions, why do I get all stressed out about the most retarded things? Thank you.

Jamie Lynn Spears and Juno and Me

First, I saw the movie Juno. Then, yesterday Jamie Lynn announced she's pregnant.

In both the girls are sixteen. I'm sixteen. Something about it was bothering me but I was too busy dealing with all of us leaving next week to figure it out. But now I've got it - they're the opposite extremes. Both girls got pregnant and one is really smart and one is really stupid.

What I don't understand is, how can two situations be so different, and I can't relate at all to either one? With Juno, nobody talks like that in real life. We throw in smart things here and there, but Juno was talking like she was in the Gilmore Girls or something.

Also, I'm so over everybody acting like every single kid is all off the beaten path, like that's the only way to be cool. It's overdone.

How old is Britney? Like 24 or something, right? How is it that Jamie Lynn doesn't look at her sister's life and make sure to go in the opposite direction? Isn't that the whole point of having an older sister? To watch what they do and not make their mistakes?

I've heard some people say they feel bad for Britney, but I don't. She has every single opportunity in life and one by one she's thrown every single one of them away. And if she were honestly too stupid to like actually know what to do (show up in court on time, don't drive), she has enough money to hire somebody smart who could manage her life for her. Hell, she could have hired me!

The Juno movie was kind of funny. I liked it - you should see it. And I really respected that it didn't give the happy ending of having the adoptive parents get back together at the end. Just the talking bothered me. I liked Michael Cera's awkwardness. That felt the most real.

I feel doomed to get pregnant if I have sex. I want to ask Jamie Lynn and Juno (even though she's not real) what happened. I mean obviously, but what went wrong that they got pregnant? What did they use that didn't work? Really, totally doomed.

At Least One Of Us Is Happy

That looks grammatically wrong somehow, but whatever. Two Of Us Are Very, Very Sad. That's better. Sad, but better.

Craig called today to ask if Alex would like to be a mother's helper for the week between Christmas and New Year's while there's no school. She wanted to know how much it would pay. I didn't want to ask Craig that so I made her talk to him directly. He offered her $50 for the whole thing. Alex asked for $75, Craig agreed, and Alex will be mother's helpering Craig's wife with their baby. Alex is so lucky she's little because I could never get away with saying to someone who's going to let me stay at their house, "I'll be requiring a bed" the way she does.

It really is a merry christmas because a bed and a baby? Nothing else but a puppy would make Alex any happier. Well, unless Danielle were going with her. But she's met Mrs. Craig a few times and knows him so Alex will be okay. She's totally psyched that we're all going on a trip.

It's because of Craig's call that I told Danielle to call Mrs. Dr. Malaika to say she can go. Dani came to the diner after school and when I told her she screamed and one of the waitresses looked at her and was like, "Hey! Take your happiness shit outside - we won't have any of that crap in here!" It was pretty funny.

It almost hurt a little less because of how excited Danielle is. Josh said we'll do something fun each day and he'll distract me. And we're going to see Alex like every other day or something. I need to cry.

Under Pressure

Danielle told me Malaika told her that her mom wants to know whether or not she's coming on their trip. I want to say no. I'm so stressed out over this. Danielle is like totally ready to be furious with me. She told Alex she can sense I'm going to say no.

Craig said to think about if I'm about to act in Dani's best interest or my own, and if it's my own if that's fair. And if our positions were reversed would I want her to let me go. And if it's fair to make her stay because then she can be with Alex.

I want to cry. If Danielle goes, I will miss her so much it will hurt.

I Am Terrible

I haven't given Danielle an answer on going skiing So her friend's mother called me, and I ignored the call because I don't know what to say to her.

What complicates things even more is that Josh's dad is having surgery like right before Christmas so they're staying home this year and somebody asked Josh to dog and house-sit in his building. So he said I should come hang out with him for the week. Even though I'll be working.

If Dani goes skiing and I go dog-sitting that would leave Alex home alone and she would kill us both if we did that to her. But, I can't take her with me either because she's only ten.

Ugh. Stupid fucking dead mothers always ruin everything and make life so hard.

Vote No For Everything

Malaika, the girl who invited Dani to Cape Cod over the summer invited her on their Christmas trip - the week between Christmas and New Years. They're going skiing for ten days in New England.

Malaika told Danielle to tell me to call her mom to talk to her about it. I want to call Malaika's mom and tell her thank you but no. Alex and I almost died of missing Dani during the summer trip. And this one is even longer. And it involves skiing. Danielle doesn't know how to ski! Isn't skiing how people break legs? And die, skiing into trees and stuff?

Seriously, my chest hurts and it's hard to breathe. Maybe we are the type of people who are not meant to be apart. Is there a type of person like that? I told Alex and she got tears in her eyes right away - I had to tell her I didn't say Dani could go yet. Alex sat in my lap and told me to tell her she can't. I don't want Dani to leave.

In other news, I worked tonight and then Josh and I were supposed to go out but I was really tired so we just went back to his house to hang out. His mom was home and she told me that tomorrow morning she's "going girlie shopping" and asked if I would keep her company. Josh told me later that he told his mother about the time I told him when the last time I got about was (8th grade). I'm kind of embarrassed he told her, but he said not to be. But I am.

We watched Silence of the Lambs and I just know if I tell Danielle she can go on the trip she will somehow get lost away from Malaika and some freak will find and steal her and be screaming, "It puts the lotion in the basket" at her until she dies.

State of the Relationship Conversation

Sitting on the floor doing homework, Hector sits down next to me.

So. Wearing a skirt today, huh?
Yeah.
(Running his hand up my leg.) Smmoooooooth.
Thanks Carlos. Now stop feeling up my thigh.
Sooooo... how are you and Josh?
Good, how are you and Lyssa?
Yeah we're tight. So how long have you been going out? Like a long time, right?
Well, we broke up in the middle for a while, but yeah.
Mmmm hmmm. And are you upset?
No. About what?
That his name isn't Jeremy.
No, I'm fine with his name being Josh.
You should be like Rachel on Friends, and make everyone call him Josh-u-a.
I'll consider it.
You really should.
Thanks for the tip, I will.
Maybe you could even be on a break.
That was with Ross. Anyway if we were on a break, I wouldn't be calling him anything.
Whatever. Consider it. What are you giving him for Christmas?
Umm... he's jewish. I gave him two things for his iPod and he had asked me to cook him something so I did that too.
That's it?
Yeah. Money was tight.
That's what sexual favors are for.
I thought that went without saying.
No, that's the most important part to say.
My bad, consider it said.
Say it.
Uhhh .... I gave Josh sexual favors for hanukah?
(Slaps my leg hard.) Yeah ya did!
Okay then.
See ya, Sam.

The entire time this conversation was taking place, Hector was playing with his hat, looking through my bag, and flirting with other random girls walking by.

Matches

Power went out tonight. For no reason. The circuit breaker just blew. It wouldn't have been a big deal if it hadn't happened at night. And if we knew where the box was. I wasn't home and I told Alex to look in all the closets. It was dark and she was scared.

I think we baby her too much and she's spoiled. When I was her age I'd have just gotten a flashlight or candle and done it.

Anyway eventually Alex found it in the back of Aunt Elaine's closet, but the circuits weren't labeled at all and it took Alex a while to find the right one. She is sleeping with a flashlight right next to her bed tonight.

Dear Middle Aged Man

I know I'm new, and only have been working here for a week, and maybe you think I'm one of those difficult people for already having a problem, but I have a problem. It's you.

You, the middle aged man with your gold chains, leather jacket, heavy cologne, and the big flirty smile and touchy hands.

Why are you flirting with me? I'm sixteen. I have a boyfriend. He's not Joey Buttafuco - he's a real boyfriend, in high school. Like I am. Why are you flirting with me? Why do you do things just to see if you can get away with them - like when you press up against me during the dinner rush to ask how soon I'll be calling your name?

You almost touched my ass last night, and you don't know it but I almost kneed you in the balls. Touch my ass, and I'll do it. When you put your hand on my back to get my attention that's fine - it's loud, it's crowded, I'm distracted. But sliding your hand under my shirt to touch the skin on my back? No. I'm not too distracted to notice that.

Why do grownup men do this? I see your wives noticing. Oh, you didn't know I knew you were married? I do - I'm not stupid. And why do you smile at me like that? I'm NOT going to like you. YOU ARE OLD! That's GROSS! And no, don't flash your iPhone at me - that doesn't make you cool.

Why are you flirting with me? What do you think is going to happen? I'm not going to hook up with some grownup man just because you have a cool pinky ring. Oh and to the guy who flashed your wad of cash at me, like I'd be impressed? I've seen that trick before - that was a TEN wrapped around ONES. My boyfriend really IS rich and not ONCE have I ever seen him flash money at people.

When you massage my neck while spelling your name into my ear (and by the way, I know how to spell Tony, but thanks) it doesn't make me like you. It makes me want to manipulate the tables to seat you by the bathroom or the kitchen, or put you at the table that has the waitress who picks her nose.

Oh, and please don't waste your best lines on me. When I ask for your name, I don't care what it is. So don't tell me, "Tony, but my friends call me Anthony. YOU can call me Anthony if you want, I'd like to be your friend" because I just write down "Tonysmalldick" on my pad of paper to amuse myself.

When you leaned against the wall and flexed your muscles at me, I was not impressed. You were blocking the way for a pregnant woman who you almost elbowed in the boobs. I love pregnant women. Fuck with them and you're fucking with me. And for god's sake - tell the overdressed-for-a-diner woman you brought with you to stand up on her retardedly high heels to let the pregnant woman sit down!

Stop grinning at me like that. YOU ARE OLD! YOU WEAR TOO MUCH ETERNITY! I don't understand why grown men are flirting with me. It's so gross.

To the nice black man who was eating alone and asked me for the check because you were in a rush - I don't mean you. You're fine.

And to the spanish boys who tried to talk me up when you got there - sorry I was short with you, it was busy - and to the one of you who asked if I was dating anyone, it was sweet when you looked crushed when I answered yes. I don't mean you guys either. I didn't even mind that you called me "mami" - I knew how you meant it.

If you want me to like you, accept that I am NEVER going to hook up with a grownup and talk to me like I'm a person and not ... not ... something to be conquered. And for fuck's sake - stop wearing so much Drakkar!

I Miss You. That's All

You had this thing about not treating us like we were delicate little girls who couldn't do anything. So you talked to us like we were grownups. Not really about grownup things - though I loved licking the envelopes and stamps when you let me help pay bills - but in a grownup way. You didn't talk down to us.

And you taught me how to move furniture - that you take out the drawers if they make the dresser too heavy - and how to watch for the glare of sunlight when you're rearranging furniture in a room.

And I miss you and miss you and miss you. You should come back. Everybody misses you. And you'd be so upset with how things are now. Remember when Alex was a baby and you brought us to Aunt Elaine's for the first time and Alex was sitting on the floor in the kitchen and Aunt Elaine wanted her to move so she pushed her with her foot and Alex slid along the floor? I laughed because it seemed so funny and Alex had such a surprised look on her face but you were so angry and we left. She still does that - just grabs our arm and pulls us out of her way if we're in it. You were so mad at me on the way home, for thinking it was funny that somebody was mean. I'm sorry. I get it now.

How come there are no miracles any more these days? When's the last time god did something magical? You would be an awesome miracle - totally worthwhile.

Last night I got a really deep papercut on my finger. I was squeezing the blood into the sink under cold water and wanted you to kiss it better.

I wish you'd known you were going to die. Then you could have written me out instructions for now, for college, for everything. You would have told me to take an SAT prep course. How was I supposed to know everybody who's going to college takes them? They cost a trillion dollars. You would have made me soup when I got sick. And you never ever would have said you were tired of hearing me cough. You'd have gotten me a bag of lollipops.

Come back. I hate how people decide what dead people would want based on what they want. "She'd want you to wear her jewelry - she'd want you to go enjoy yourself." You would have wanted me to apologize to all the people whose clothes you didn't finish before you died. I didn't. Grandma was going to do them all for you and then she died too and then it was too much to do. All those people who might not have known why they never got their clothes back. I don't know if they knew for sure. And you were always so careful about never losing anyone's clothes and always having them ready on time. I'm sorry I didn't tell people. I didn't think to put up a notice or anything. I'm sorry.

I bet if you came back they'd forgive you. Or you could get new people. You should try. Just come back. I miss you.

Interesting and Useful

We got a Christmas present today - somebody just knocked on the door and when Danielle opened it there was a box. It's from all the fire department spouses, which is pretty cool.

It's all useful stuff, not fun stuff, and all in bulk. We got three packages of toothpaste, tampons, fancy soaps, band-aids, new toothbrushes, ponytail holders, a blowdryer, three Nalgene bottles, huge bottles of fancy shampoo and conditioner, and three laundry bags.

We made a deal a long time ago that if we get something for all three of us we take turns writing the thank you and then all of us sign it. This time it's Alex's turn. One of her sentences was "Thank you so much for the interesting and useful Christmas presents..." which struck me as really funny.

To be honest I was kind of bummed when we were looking at it - it's all serious presents, you know? But when I was pulling the links to write this, I got more happy about what we got - it actually is kind of cool even if it's serious stuff also. Plus they have us over for dinner and buy us school supplies and everything - this was a total extra and it's nice to be thought of. Plus now I will stop putting tape over my cuts and will start using bandaids.

Your Party Makes Me Want To Cry

Do you have any idea just how many people are going out to eat for dinner? How do all these people have so much money? There were some people who clearly come to the diner often because they knew I was new.

I thought maybe they'd ease me into things, but no. The girl training me told me I was stressing out too much over people asking when they'd be seated. She said if they decide it's too long a wait and leave, it's okay because other people will come.

I'm so totally fucking exhausted. I want to cry.

Trying To Think Positive

Danielle gave Alex new gloves today. They're not fingerless. Or pink. And they don't have skulls. But it's freezing and they're not ugly so Alex will wear them.

Between you and me, I think Dani stole them from somewhere. When Aunt Elaine asked where she got the money for them and Danielle told her not to worry about it? That's what made me think that.

Alex isn't asking any questions - she's no fool.

In other non-exciting news, I am still sick. But I am scared the diner will give my job away to some healthy person, so I lied and told them I'm all better. Now I start tomorrow. Thursday is one of my shrinking days, but I couldn't cancel on my very first day of work, so I instead I called Craig to cancel on him. Money before bros just doesn't have the same ring as hos before bros.

I'm Done

Everyone at school is still talking about the Meghan MySpace thing and this link has been passed around. It grosses me out, and has made me want nothing to do with MySpace, so I deleted my whole page.

How can people think anyone pushing someone to kill themselves is okay if that person was a bitch? She was thirteen! Wasn't everyone bitchy then? Shouldn't she have deserved the chance to grow up and grow out of it?

Also, while we're discussing things that gross me out, I wish teachers gave us more credit. I'm capable of talking about more news topics than just Britney Spears. Ugh. I'm just tired of being talked down to. I'm not a fucking idiot.

Hot Shrinking and Bills, Bills, Bills

Our house is very cold. It takes until second period for my fingers to thaw out and then I'm cold until the next day. Last week at shrinking, this came up with Craig.

Today when I arrived, he'd turned up the heat and tossed me a blanket. I didn't want to leave when it was time to go. Right now I am wearing a bra, a t-shirt, a pullover sweater, and a zipper sweater. With two pairs of socks. Still cold.

Like two years ago, I set Aunt Elaine up with paying bills online to save on stamps and paper. Yesterday I checked to make sure everything was paid, and I can't figure out what she's doing. She's supposed to pay every two weeks. I saw two accounts where we have a credit of like less than two dollars. On the phone bill, last month's amount due was $2.43. How can that be? And then, Aunt Elaine paid like $3.50 towards that. I don't understand. What is she doing?

I guess this is better than not paying. But why give more money than we're supposed to. Josh told me that when his mom got married and moved in with his dad she'd never paid bills before. So the first time Josh's dad asked her to pay the electric bill, she wrote a thank you note saying the service was great, they didn't go without electricity even one day and she really appreciated it.

Which reminds me, I have to write Josh's parents my thank you note. Dani found a coupon for a coffee cake so I'm going to make it tomorrow and bring them the card with the cake tomorrow for the first night of Hanukah.

Bullying Bastards

Ages ago, like years, Danielle got these cool fingerless gloves that are pink and have skulls on them. Honestly, if they'd fit me I might have stolen them that's how cool they were. Alex loved them too, and asked for them. So like two years ago, they became Alex's. I'm really impressed that we've had one pair of gloves in our family for like five years and they haven't gotten lost.

The place we live now doesn't feel very safe, and even though I'd just started letting Alex go places this school year by herself once we moved Alex went back to always having a personal escort. It says something about how safe it isn't that Alex doesn't even mind, even though she bitched since third grade about being allowed to go out alone.

Aunt Elaine used up the milk but we didn't realize until this morning. Alex was up first and found out about the milk first. Aunt Elaine just gave her money and sent Alex off by herself. She came home crying with no milk and no gloves and no money.

Some older kids stole her gloves and it's not clear what happened to the milk. They aren't the same kids who are usually hanging out during the week so Alex doesn't know who they are.

Alex kind of cried on and off all day. And Aunt Elaine kept making fun of her or telling her to get over it. She told Alex to call 911 to report a theft and to stand outside and flag down the police. And to ask them to do a police sketch thing. How fucking cruel can you be.

I didn't cry, but I feel really bad for Alex. Those were really cool gloves.

Gifties

Josh and Heather and a bunch of us went to two parties last night and then I slept over. Heather broke up with her boyfriend for getting a blowjob from another girl so she's been hanging out with us a lot lately.

I'm waiting for her to wind up on Overheard in New York, because when she was telling us about it on the train to the party she said, "It's not that I wouldn't blow him, because I would. I just wanted to take my chem test first."

It's good that Heather broke up with him though, because last year he was going out with this girl Liza and I heard he gave her so much shit about her body that she got an eating disorder. And Liza wasn't even overweight at all.

Anyway, this morning Josh's parents handed me this envelope and said they were going to wait until Christmas but thought with my new job I might like my Christmas present sooner. They gave me a Visa gift card for $150! Holy shit, I'm totally going shopping!

Heather said we should go to thrift stores in the Village, so we're going tomorrow. I am so freaking excited.

Oh, and it turns out Danielle was right - Alex doesn't need personalized stationery - I found some that just has an A on it, and I'm getting her that instead, and she wants a scarf. She's never had one before and I think she won't lose it now, so maybe tomorrow I'll keep an eye out for a good scarf and that can be from me and Dani together.

And, this is retarded, but last night when I slept at Josh's, I had a nightmare that I was falling off the bed and just kept falling and falling and I kept waiting to crash to the ground and die. It felt so real and I woke up really tense. Danielle said it's because our mattresses are on the floor at home and he has a regular bed.