Long Weekend

Mama,

I wish you could just be here and see what goes on instead of me trying to figure out how to tell you in words.

Josh has Netflix and we sat and put movies in the queue for about three hours one day. So almost every day last week and for most of the weekend, I've been at Josh's house watching movies. We saw Boys Don't Cry (kinda awkward to watch with a boy) and Jesus Camp (scary) and ummm... I forgot.

I took out five books from the library last week and since it's hard to concentrate at home, I took those to Josh's house and have read four of them. Okay, maybe I sort of slept over last night. But it was only because I was in the middle of a good book, A Woman's Worth, and didn't finish until almost 3 a.m. And by then, it was like, there was barely energy to put the book down, let alone get up and first start going home. At 9 a.m. Alex called me to see if I was okay and I promised to be home by noon.

Went back to sleep and we got up two hours later. Josh's dad was in the kitchen when I was leaving and he was like, "Sammy! Is it nice to see you again, or nice to see you still?" But he was giving me a look like he knew I'd been there all night and just wanted to see if I'd tell the truth, so I did. He nodded and said "I see" and asked if I could wait a minute before going home.

Josh and I were convinced we were in huge trouble and I was freaking that his parents were going to call Aunt Elaine and she'd see it in the worst way possible. So his mom and dad asked us to sit with them and his mom said that while she understands we like each other and want to spend lots of time together, they would prefer that we do that during the day as opposed to through the entire night. Ugh. SO AWKWARD! Josh told them we were just watching tv and I was reading, but I'm not sure they believed it.

When I went to leave Josh's mom walked me to the door and told me that she didn't know if I had anybody for it and if I do she apologizes for stepping on any toes, but if I don't I can come to her with any questions and she would rather take me to Planned Parenthood for preventative measures than to fix a problem. OH MY GOD. I could not get out of there fast enough!

Then at home Aunt Elaine was really pissed off at me. I thought she knew I'd been out all night but Alex and Dani covered and she was just angry because Alex was bothering her early in the morning and I wasn't there to deal with it.

Then we were going to a fire family early because they offered to take us to see a movie. They have a cat, and I asked if I could skip the movie and play with the cat and they let me. First they tried to convince me to do the movie but I really didn't want to. The cat was so nice and he laid on my stomach and purred and let me pet him. Over two hours all by myself was so nice. I called Josh to find out if he got in trouble and he said his parents gave him a big talk about reputations and sex and responsibilities and all that. It sounds like his talk was a lot longer than the one I got, but at least we're not in trouble. Oh and he said they do believe we didn't do anything wrong.

There were pretty purple irises at dinner and I complimented the wife on them. She showed me how you're supposed to cut flowers and it turns out it's way more complicated than just dumping them in a bowl with water. When I have my own place, I want to have purple irisis.

Love,
Sam

Whore TV

Mama,

Tonight Alex wanted to watch tv and put on this show that was the search for the next Pussycat Doll. It was these three hoochie girls being totally catty and every time I saw them, they were dressed slutty. I told Alex to try to find something else.

Next time I walked by, she had on a contest for Miss Hawaiian Tropic. Every girl is wearing an inch of makeup, a bikini with a push-up bra, and looks like a grownup JonBenet. What the hell? Each girl got to give a little talk about what they do or like or whatever, so while they're saying things like, "I used to be a bartender but I've recently moved to LA to pursue acting and modeling" the tv would show a montage of them in a bikini rubbing themselves up and down and walking through knee-high water.

Alex is in FOURTH GRADE! Finally I found her Dancing With the Stars to watch. But jesus! Is she just not supposed to be watching tv after 9 pm? Why so many hoochie shows? Alex couldn't even find the words to ask it, but she wanted to know what Miss Hawaiian Tropic's goal was - like, what makes a person win basically. Dani said whoever looks prettiest in the bikini wins. But you're not even in charge of how pretty you turn out - you're either born pretty or you're not. Such a stupid contest!

Please don't let me grow up to dress slutty and want to win contests based on looks,
Sam

We Don't Need No Stinkin' Titles

Hi Mama,

Aunt Elaine is doing really good. Tomorrow her physical therapist comes to the house. She's been sleeping a lot since she got home, but hasn't really felt dizzy. That day when she came home? She did yell at us like I knew she would. She said we ate too much food and can't do that anymore. Dani asked if since Aunt Elaine wasn't home to eat, and we ate more than usual, didn't we just break even, but that just made her angrier. Even though I thought it was kind of funny.

Did I tell you about Alex's obsession with catalogs?? She signs up for every free one she can find online. Sometimes she gives herself the title of "Doctor" if she's in the mood. Alex has done this for two or three years now. At first she refused to throw them out but after the piles fell on her twice I forced her to, and now she can't keep more than can fit in one of her crates so they're constantly being updated. For such a little girl Alex has very expensive taste. I just wanted to tell you - you'd smile to know this.

Our fire family dinner was good tonight. It was at a house with a dog that was really cool. They made food that made the entire house smell good. I didn't eat dinner. I don't know what happened to me - I just wanted to lay on the couch and not do it. The whole thing just felt too depressing. Dinner was salad and chicken parm and biscuits and it smelled really good. They sent me home with some in case I got hungry later tonight. Maybe I'll have it tomorrow.

While I was laying down the dog came over and stayed with me for a little while. It made me happier a little bit.

Love,
Sam

Welcome Home

Mama,

Tomorrow Aunt Elaine comes home. We bring her home with a wheelchair and a therapist is going to come to the house on Friday, but I can't remember if it's an occupational or physical therapist. She also has to get an MRI on her knee.

I told Danielle to clean up because I did it last time and she started SCREAMING at me, like it's my mess or something. She said if she'd known I was going to make her clean up she wouldn't have made such a big mess, but that's bullshit - she should have just not made such big messes and cleaned as she went. Then it wouldn't seem so overwhelming now. So she's really angry at me, even though I let her have friends sleep over twice while Aunt Elaine's been gone.

Craig left me a message saying if I cancel our next session he's going to show up at school to see me; I guess canceling twice in a row is a bad idea or something. I just felt like I wouldn't be able to lie to him about Aunt Elaine so not going seemed like the best thing to do.

We did a lot of bad stuff while Aunt Elaine was in the hospital. Mostly involving not staying in our room, sleeping on the couch and on her bed, eating weird meals, and having people over. A lot of having people over. Oh, and Josh invited me out to dinner really late Saturday night, when I said I'd have to bring my sisters he said okay, and then we decided to go into the city for it, which I know is retarded but it was fun. Alex was out way late at night and Josh gave her a piggyback ride because she was too tired to walk the last two blocks home. I went to send Danielle to bed and when I came back in the living room Josh had put Alex on the couch, taken off her sneakers and jacket and put a blanket over her. I think I like him more now.

Mark my words - Aunt Elaine will bitch about something we did or didn't do within an hour of being home. We're taking bets on what it will be about.

I wish you were coming home too,
Sam

Holding Pattern

Ma,

Aunt Elaine was transferred to a rehab on Thursday. For some reason I had it in my head that if she didn't come home by Friday, we'd tell a grownup because getting through the weekend would just be going too far on our own or something. I don't know - something about school and having a set routine and knowing what we're supposed to do made it feel kind of okay.

But Aunt Elaine didn't get discharged Friday from rehab. Every day we go visit and every day I ask her if they've said what day she gets to leave. She doesn't know. She can walk with a walker now, so I wonder how much better they need her to get there before she can come home.

Tonight we had a Sunday dinner with not my favorite fire family - they have a mutt dog that's really friendly. Good thing the dog was friendly because these are not my favorite people. They kept talking about other people they both know with each other and not really talking to us.

It's been raining a lot and I've been wearing my new raincoat everywhere - my love for it runs deep (it's green). Alex is angry that she gets hand-me-downs mostly and not new stuff. I couldn't think of anything to say to make her feel better so I just told her I'm sorry it bothers her.

Love,
Sam

More Hypothetical Badness

Ma,

Last night Aunt Elaine was walking from the living room to her bedroom when she fell. I didn't see it happen, but we all heard her screaming. Screaming and screaming. She doesn't know what made her fall (thank god none of us left anything on the floor), but she hadn't screwed up her pills. Alex brought a bag of frozen vegtables for her knee and Aunt Elaine stayed on the floor icing for a while.

We got her up somehow, into bed, and Dani and I shoved a pillow under her knee. But if the blanket touched her leg even a tiny bit she'd scream. Dani and I took turns keeping track of the ice, doing twenty minutes on, twenty minutes off. After three hours the swelling hadn't gone down at all, so we called 911.

Again. It was like midnight when they got here, and Alex was already asleep. I told the guy about the last hospital visit, that it was just like a month ago, and how Aunt Elaine has a walker and everything. Dani left Alex a note saying we'd try to be back before she woke up, but if not to go to school. I grabbed the container of pills for yesterday and today, just in case. And then the ambulance guys broke their insurance rules and let us ride in the ambulance to the hospital.

We camped out in the emergency room while x-rays were done. They don't think the knee is broken but it's so swollen they just can't be sure. It's possible there's a tiny chip or fracture. Aunt Elaine needs an MRI to see through the swollen-ness. They gave us a prescription for pain killers and were going to send Aunt Elaine home with crutches and a bandage around her leg. But she can't use crutches! Danielle told them about the walker and they found a physical therapist to come help with that - they just wanted to see Aunt Elaine walk up and down the hallway alright and then we could leave.

But no. She got dizzy and said she was going to pass out, so the PT talked to the doctor and said she was being admitted for 24 hours for observation. Shit, shit, shit.

We waited in the hallway for hours for a room. Aunt Elaine was on a gourney and Dani and I shared a chair and fell asleep from like 4-6 a.m. So. Uncomfortable. After they got a room all set a social worker came by. Dani saw her coming and snuck into the bathroom. The social worker asked Aunt Elaine if she was okay. She said yes. She turned to me and asked how I was. Tired. She asked if someone could take me home. I was about to say I'd go home myself and then remembered who I was talking to. I told her I'd call my next door neighbor to pick me up. It must have sounded convincing or the social worker had more important stuff going on because she left.

Danielle and I got home around 10 a.m. I set an alarm to wake me up in time to get Alex from school. Not that she can't get here herself, but she'd like being met after waking up to find herself home alone. Hauled Alex home, and made breakfast for dinner. We're leaving in a minute to go back to the hospital and I'll bring Aunt Elaine tomorrow's container of pills, just in case. The last thing we need is for her to screw up her pills and start having seizures on top of everything else.

Tomorrow we'll go to school and then probably pick up Aunt Elaine. I didn't bother calling Craig this time. Ma, what the hell? All this time she's been fine. Now twice in like one month?

Love you,
Sam

Please Come Back!

Ma,

Remember when you were here, and I did all sorts of stuff? Like school and soccer and dance and art and piano? And how we were always having people over or going to other people's houses? Every day I was excited to come home from school to see who might be hanging in the kitchen with you, or what you'd have left on the table or on my bed for me? It seemed like a few times a week you were inviting somebody over for dinner, and like every month we were having a party about something. You told me enough bad things will happen in life that you should celebrate every good thing.

So now I have all my stuff that I want to be doing, except there's no you here doing all the background stuff so I can keep doing my stuff. If I don't do what used to be the stuff you'd do, it doesn't get done. I don't feel right when I don't do my stuff. But everybody bitches at me when I don't do your stuff.

It's a no-win situation. Josh invited me over today - he made this awesome stuff called matzah brei (brie?) that we ate a lot of, and we just hung out and watched movies and stuff. I had a really nice time.

But then I went home and I just wanted to cry. It's so fucking depressing here. It smells like smoke, and no matter how much I say it gives me headaches and Danielle says it makes her throat hurt and all three of us hate that our clothes smell like smoke, Aunt Elaine won't stop smoking (or at least go outside instead of just opening the window near the chair she sits in). Nobody else seems to do any cleaning here except me. We can never ever have anybody over. Which means we can't really go to other people's houses a lot because it'd be rude not to invite them back.

I just can't do this. I can't. I can't do my life and also do your job. Something needs to change. If Alex and Dani weren't here I would totally run away to Florida.

Dying without you, love your dramatic daughter,
Sam

Shrink-a-Dink a Bottle of Ink

Mama,

Today I had a two hour shrinking with Craig. We're only meeting once this week and he said a lot of people are on vacation so he had extra time. He got kind of pissed at Aunt Elaine that we still don't have beds yet, and looked sad when I said I never really expected her to get us new ones. As soon as our bed broke, I thought "I'll be on the floor until I go away to college."

Craig said this is completely unacceptable. The only reason I agree it's unacceptable is that there are tons of free beds we could get off Craigslist, if Aunt Elaine would just help us with getting them here. I mean, I can call and stuff, but nobody's going to listen to a kid. If there wasn't the option of free beds, I wouldn't care much. But there is.

Ma, Alex thinks when we get new beds that means new sheets and blankets and she's really excited about it. I almost don't have the heart to tell her it's just physical beds. Every time the Bed, Bath & Beyond flier or Pottery Barn catalog comes she pours through it, looking for cool bedding. I asked Craig to tell her, but he said no.

We also talked about anger outlets and how since I quit track I don't really have one, and Craig tried to make me agree that walking around at night is not an acceptable thing to do. I sort of know that, but it's like the only time I get to be alone and not have people around me. He asked how I would feel if I heard Dani was walking around Coop City at night to try to make me feel guilty.

Craig suggested I look into yoga - he said it's supposed to be really peaceful and it's generally inexpensive. I don't know about that - I'm not really the crunchy, hippie-dippie type, you know? He also agreed with me that I need a vacation. Oh, and he also said he wanted me to know that he holds back on doing a lot of stuff for me, because it would cross the lines of doctor-patient relationship. I didn't really get what he meant, because he's done personal stuff, like the times we go get italian ices instead of talking in his office when it's hot out. He mentioned the beds, and finding yoga classes and stuff like that.

He is going to see if he can find me a person who does those things, because Aunt Elaine is supposed to and it's ridiculous to keep waiting for her to do them when she's made it totally clear she's not going to do anything more than keep a roof over our heads. Today was the first time I saw Craig get really angry.

Mama, it makes me feel good that somebody cares enough to get angry on my behalf, but I'm not holding my breath for anything to change any time soon. If we get beds before school ends in June I'll be surprised. I think I gave up.

I love you,
Sam

Happy Passover!

Shalom Mama,

Just kidding! I am home from the seder and slightly buzzed. And by 'slightly buzzed" I mean "pretty much almost drunk".

I wore the black skirt with the purple sweater and black tights and my Docs and got four compliments (none of them from your daughters), so yay for shopping. Today when I called Craig to cancel shrinkage tonight he reminded me to bring something. Thank god for him because I'd totally forgotten. So I got a plant that has lillies blooming. Josh's mom said it was very pretty and she likes lillies. Yay for that.

Josh's cousin who hugged me a little too long and a little too tight but his sister said he does that to everyone and he's harmless. Even so, I didn't hug him goodbye because it skeeved me out. She didn't hug him goodbye either.

Food? In a word it was fucking awesome. FUCKING AWE-SOME. Guess that's two words. I had soup, tasted some slimy fish (didn't like that), brisket? or maybe it was something else, orange chicken with real mandarin oranges that don't come from a can, these things called kugel - there was noodle and onion and they were both good, asparagus, green bean casserole (that Josh and all his cousins called white trash casserole), and some other stuff. And then there was dessert. Josh cooked this apple matzah pudding thing that was really yummy. Oh, and two of the adults got in a whipped cream fight. Like, right at the table. It was so alternate universe to see grownups acting so silly like that.

Josh's dad sent me home with a LOT of leftover food. I was embarrassed that he was giving me so much but he said that while it's great the first three days, after a while you get tired of it. Not me! This stuff is amazing! I am going to serve some for dinner tomorrow and we will STILL have leftovers.

There's more but I'm going to sleep.
Love and matzah,
Sam

Holy Shopping

Ma,

You will never believe this. I am the very proud owner of a brand new rain jacket. It's green. It was $98. I've never owned a raincoat before! It's so warm and has a hood and pockets and really good quality and holy crap I love it and want to sleep in it!

Yeah so we went shopping today. I got the green rain jacket and a black v-neck sweater, a black A-line skirt, a demin skirt, a purple, ribbed turtleneck, and a blue v-neck sweater. Oh and black ribbed tights.

Everything except the rain jacket was on clearance at Nordstrom. Never in my entire life have I gotten so much expensive stuff.

No new shoes but I figure I'll just wear my Docs and hopefully that'll be good enough. If it's not, then I don't care because they're my only non-sneakers shoes and I will have to get shoes next year when I have another shopping trip. I wish I could hide my new stuff so Dani couldn't take it for herself.

I'm very excited about tomorrow - everybody says Passover food tastes really good.

Love,
Sam