Lost and missing

I am officially finished with Josh being gone.  This is a sure thing because I found myself writing an embarrassingly mushy love letter to him, complete with multiple lines of "I miss you I miss you I miss you" and "Come back come back come back because I miss you so come back..."

Talking to him every few days for only a little while, especially when he has so much going on and I have so much going on is simply Not Enough.  Next week can not come fast enough for me.  Staying at your rock's house is not the same as actually being with the person who feels like your rock. 

Last night Danielle was on the phone with the fire family whose house we're supposed to go to this Sunday, and she handed it to me to confirm timing.  When I took the phone I could hear the wife saying to someone "You know, the girls who lost their mom and brother..." and it took every ounce of self-control not to hang up on her.  We did not LOSE our mother and Topher. They died. They were killed, because a bunch of terrorists thought the way to make the US stop being so flamboyant was to kill my family.  Yeah, I think of you every time my bra strap shows when I'm wearing a spaghetti strap tank top, fuckers.  My skirt doesn't even reach my knees, let alone cover my ankles.  I hope you see pictures of people like me, who dress like me, and it Makes. You. Twitch. 

Saying my family is lost is like an insult to me.  Lost is what happens when you get turned around in a mall.  Lost is how it feels when you go to check out a college campus.  Like you think Topher will just look around, get his bearings and walk home.  They're not lost, they're dead. If you can't deal with that, don't have us over for dinner.  If the people whose house we're going to for dinner Sunday didn't have two cats that Danielle really likes, I probably would have said something.  It's been a long week, and I've run out of politeness.

Halfway to resolution

At a time that was so disgustingly early I can't even write it down I finally got to talk to Josh and tell him what's going on.  His response to his grandparents coming? "I'm sorry about my mom." So basically I am now imagining his grandparents are like Nazis or something.  On the whole looking for an apartment thing? "You HAVE to go with my dad. He will go postal if you try to get out of it. It'll seem like you're too lazy to do any of the work of getting what he's helping us to get.  You gotta go." 

So I put on my big girl panties after I woke up for the second time this morning and came very close to crying as I asked Arnie if I could take off Friday morning to keep an appointment.  "Why don't you come in and close the door?"  My heart dropped and I was sure I was going to get fired.  Now what would I do with all my fancy work clothes? Good bye air-conditioned office. Good bye twirly reception chair on wheels.  

Arnie asked if everything was okay.  I was like "whaaaaat?" He said, "Normally when an employee comes to me on the verge of tears asking for time off, something terrible is going on in their lives. It's none of my business why you need time off, but I hope you're not going to try to get a different job at one of those dreadful diners." 

I'd forgotten he thinks I quit working there to work for him.  So I told Arnie about the apartment-hunting and how I didn't really want to bother since it wouldn't matter but Josh thinks it's really important.  He told me to look in the Village, said I absolutely have Friday morning off and that even if I think I don't care, looking will be good and I'll find things to care about once I'm there. 

After a few more minutes of instruction where I got told to check water pressure and think about how I'd feel walking up to the apartments at night in the dark, I got out of Arnie's office.  Then I sat down in my twirly chair with wheels, twirled around to look out the window, and cried with relief that I'm not getting fired.  

This is why not having a mother sucks

Because I don't know how to ask to take a morning off from work!  I always go to work when I'm supposed to be there.  What if they get angry and fire me? What if they get somebody to do reception while I'm out looking at stupid apartments, decide that person does a better job than I do, and then they fire me?

This is why mothers should not be allowed to die!  Not until their kids are like 60. 

Maybe they should just decide without us

Josh's dad warned us about Laurie going into a complete tizzy over her parents coming to town (where they will stay in a hotel. the entire time. I'm sorry, I just can't get over it. If my mother came to visit I'd barely get out of her lap to let her go pee) and this morning said he will be handling "the procurement" of an apartment.  Because that's how rich people talk.  They use fancy words.  Like, it's not raining, it's precipitating.  

Tom said he knew Danielle had taken over the decorating responsibilities and asked who would be handling the procurement of the apartment responsibilities.  I really don't even think we need to bother being involved.  My sisters and I have already proven we can live in anything.  What will feel beautiful and extravagant to us will be absolutely unacceptable to Josh's parents.  I told Tom I'd like to get as close to $1000 a month as possible but we can go up to $1400 if we have to.  

The whole thing is retarded anyway.  Three quarters of the apartment will be for us, and only one quarter for Josh, so we should be paying 75% of the rent.  Except if we were doing that, we'd find a shitty two-bedroom in a sixth floor walkup in a crappy neighborhood for $1700 and call it a day.  But of course this is poppycock to Josh's parents.  Their witty baby boy will not be slumming it.  How will he be able to study without a doorman and a dishwasher?  

So I told all this to Tom (except I said it in a way nicer way) and ended it with "I'm sure whatever you choose will be much more than adequate for us."  Alex told him flat-out this home is the nicest we've ever seen, which could have been a sweet moment except that Danielle argued that our home in Brooklyn was nicest.  So Tom is trying to thank Alex while Danielle is trying to yell at Alex, I am trying to yell at Danielle, and Tom is trying to reassure me he understands what Danielle meant.  

Ladies, PLEASE.  This needs to be resolved and we must start looking at apartments now.  Tom tried to ask me to take a day off from working for Arnie to do that but I got such a horrible look on my face that he backtracked to just a morning.  He said we will just see what's available, what we can get for the money we're willing to spend.  Tom went on and on this way and finally I just agreed to get him to stop talking.  The whole thing makes me feel sick.  

Alex is so stupid and naive and asked if she can come.  I told her no because then she'd miss a day of camp since we wouldn't be able to get her out there in the middle of the day.  Once again Tom got involved and said he'd be happy to take us to lunch and then bring Alex to work with him for the afternoon.  I am not pleased.  What the hell is the point of bringing an 11 year-old to look at apartments?  She gets no say in this decision.  

A small part of me is starting to hate Tom and Laurie.  That same small part of me also feels very guilty for feeling that way. 

Terrible Odds

The thing about living here is there's so much more free time.  Well, that's partially from living here and partially because school is out.  When I'm not working now I can lay on the floor reading the NY Times.  I can play Wii.  I can screw around doing nothing.  I have not done laundry in almost a month because somebody else does it for me.  I haven't ironed my fancy job clothes.  I haven't done my sisters' laundry.  I haven't gone food shopping.  If we want something, we tell someone and it magically arrives either by the end of that day or the beginning of the next day.  Josh's room is clean and I never clean it.  My sisters and I haven't gotten in any screaming fights about clean towels since we got here.  I haven't skipped breakfast or lunch because we were running out of food, since we got here.  

It's because of all this free time that I can do things like take naps on Sunday afternoons to catch up on sleep.  Sit in Tom's office and twirl around in his fancy ergonomically correct desk chair until I'm dizzy.  There's lots of time for doing nothing and that's great.

Except it means there's also lots of time for worrying and that's not so great.  I still have not figured out how I am going to work full-time, go to school full-time and take care of my sisters.  Two seems possible, three seems like one too many.  I overheard Laurie on the phone telling someone they would never dream of letting Josh work during his freshman year of college.  Not that he has to work at all in his entire lifetime, but i guess it was a hypothetical.  I read an article this weekend that said like only 11% of first generation college freshman have graduated from college six years after beginning.  Those are not good odds for me.  

The good thing about the diner is it's 24-hours, and I can work any shift.  Plus the free food. The bad thing is it doesn't pay that well and it's gotten really tense lately, plus there are a lot of distractions to studying.  The good thing about the fancy job is everyone is really, really nice, it pays more, and it's like, a nice environment.  And it's easier to do homework there.  The bad thing is while there's sometimes free food, it's not something I can count on, and the hours aren't as flexible as at the diner.  

I was thinking that in the fall I'd quit one and just work at whichever place full-time. But now I think I may need to like, do half and half.  Except that will mean I'm never home to see my sisters. 

Saturday bad food day

breakfast - frosted flakes, OJ

lunch - salad with hard boiled egg, melba toast crackers.  I saw this post in the NY Times and now I want to make all these different kinds of salads.  

snack - slice of leftover pizza, 2 garlic knots

dinner - granola bar, handful of almonds and walnuts, banana

Heading out to a party where I will probably eat more bad food and drink. 

Crazy dragging

Last night I was having a nightmare that Alex got buried and she was crying about it.  When I woke up I was standing next to the bed and then halfway to the door before I realized Alex really was crying in real life.  

Ran down the hallway and she is laying in bed hysterical, saying her legs hurt so much.  I got her Tylenol and on the way back to give it to her ran into Tom.  Wearing my t-shirt and underwear.  That was not awkward at all.  He followed me in to look at Alex too, and then left saying they have a heating pad and it would help.  She could barely stop crying enough to drink water with her Tylenol.  While Josh's dad was out of the room I told Alex I would sleep with her and crawled under the blanket.  She thinks I did that to be nice but really I just didn't want Tom to see me half-dressed again.  

When he came back with the heating pad it turned out the only outlet was behind the bed so Tom moved it out while we were still in it.  Alex giggled and told him he was strong.  Tom smiled and said he was also tired, and then showed us how to turn the heating pad on to different levels and left.  Alex fell back asleep like 20 minutes later but I was up all night.  

I ate an Uncrustable for breakfast.  I was grumpy all morning.  Then Tom called me at work.  He asked if he could take my sisters and I out for breakfast tomorrow morning.  I am working Saturday mornings at my fancy job.  He asked about Sunday morning.  I am working at the diner, but I said Danielle and Alex would love to go.  

"Well what about now, are you free right now for lunch?"  So that is how I wound up being taken out to lunch by my boyfriend's father the day after he saw me in my underwear.  It was not at all awkward.  I guess the point of going to lunch was so Tom could tell me that Laurie gets really stressed out about her parents visiting and does and says crazy things and we should humor her and ignore the rest.  Great.  They don't even arrive until next weekend.  So we have to live with a crazy person for like a week.  

Tom is taking Danielle and Alex out for pizza tonight to tell them.  

Incoming grandparents

I really want to believe things will calm down.  Soon.  Like before the end of the year.  Unfortunately the signs keep pointing in the opposite direction.  Laurie's parents are coming to visit.  She told my sisters at dinner and me after I got home from work.  They are going to stay in a hotel - they have a favorite one they always stay in each time they visit.  

I asked if they will be mad we are here and they are staying in a hotel.  Laurie said no, they will be more upset that Josh and I are going to live together without being married.  I told her, "But we're too young to be married!"  She kind of smiled and asked, "When you say 'we' do you mean you and Josh or you and your sisters?"  The truth is I meant me and my sisters but I felt too stupid to admit that so I said both.  Laurie said that I should work on finding ways to separate myself from them - that the three of us are three individuals, not one entity.  

That kind of pissed me off.  I mean we were forced to be closer than was comfortable for so long and now that we're not we're all doing different things this summer.  We're all going to different schools.  What more does she want?  I'm sorry that her daughter moved halfway around the world and never wants to come visit anymore but that doesn't mean how me and my sisters do things is weird.  

Anyway, I asked why the grandparents are coming to visit before Josh gets back.  It turns out I misunderstood.  They are staying for two weeks.  In a hotel.  For two weeks.  So they'll only be here for like three days or something before Josh gets back.  But still.  How can anyone afford to stay at a hotel for so long?  

So just to review, Josh's grandparents are going to get here, then he's going to get back and then we're supposed to rush around trying to move like two weeks later.  My nana lived downstairs from us.  We ate dinner with her most nights.  If we smelled cookies we went to her after school instead of going home.  When I was really little she brushed the knots out of my hair before my mother would style it.  I can not wrap my head around the idea of grandparents coming to visit once a year and staying at a hotel.  I don't understand how this will work.  

Breakfast: half a rye bagel with peanut butter, hard boiled egg, OJ

Lunch: salad made this morning with walnuts, grilled chicken and mandarin oranges, goldfish pretzels

Dinner: cup of chicken soup, half a cantaloupe, a cookie

Panic at the disco!

It seems a boy at camp has a crush on Alex. She will get like ten emails from him a night. They are all blank, with the subject "Ladybug letter" and there will be a ladybug background in the body of the e-mail, but no words. The boy is 12 and going into 7th grade. Alex is almost 12 and going into 8th. When I asked if she liked him she answered that while he's fun to hang out with at camp she's not going to be the girlfriend of some boy who can't even come up with anything to write in an e-mail.

It seems Danielle has decided I am useless and went around me to try to convince Laurie something is wrong with her since she hasn't gotten her period yet. Laurie came up to me all concerned when I'd just gotten home from the diner tonight to have A Talk about it. Was I aware? Am I concerned? Is our doctor aware? Is she concerned? It seemed like Laurie had the wind taken out of her sails when I said no, since I didn't get my period until I was 15, it doesn't seem like something to worry about with Danielle. Especially when you look at like, nine year olds with boobs and then look at all the hormone-treated food they eat and consider that Dani doesn't eat that way.

It seems like the receptionist who had her baby is not coming back after all. Artie told me that training someone new is really expensive and then said it's a shame I'm going to school in the fall. He asked if I'm planning to go full-time. Um, yes. So I don't know what's happening there. But I asked if I can take off the day of Alex's recital and he said it was fine.

It seems like a good thing I don't work at the diner until dinner-time because when I got there tonight they were bitching about people taking time off, taking time off last minute, and basically in a bad mood. So I'm glad I didn't have to ask for time off - I will be able to get back from Long Island by dinner to work the day of Alex's recital.

It seems like if Danielle ever decides to not go into some science-related field she can always fall back on being a decorator. She is having a grand old time buying things with Laurie and finding non-flowery things that match.

Breakfast: Overslept
Snack: forgot it rushing to get to work on time after oversleeping
Lunch: too busy
Snack: ran out to deli, got fruit salad and pretzels
Dinner: cheese blintzes, chocolate milk

Not a good food day at all.

I won't ask

Danielle and Laurie came back from shopping. I looked at Danielle. She shook her head, waved her hand and told me, "You really don't want to know." Then she marched into the room she and Alex are sharing and told Al all about it. Josh can not get back soon enough. I hope he hasn't changed a lot on his trip.

Draft number two of home-list

Last night we sat down with Josh's parents to show them our list. Me and my sisters sat on one side of the table, and they sat at the other end of the dining room table. They looked at our list. They pointed at things on the list to each other. They made faces at each other. Danielle crossed her fingers and pressed them onto my leg as a reminder for me to cross mine too. She found a blanket that is black, white and purple that she fell in love with, but it's expensive. Alex loves everything you show her, and is super easy.

Laurie and Tom didn't seem happy about the list. I tried to read it upside down to see what we could take off. After a few minutes Tom cleared his throat and told us he felt the list was "woefully incomplete." Alex asked what that meant. "We left out a lot," Danielle told her. "In that case, I want a fish tank on a shelf over my bed, and I want a loft bed and I want that ball you use to make homemade ice cream, and I want a welcome mat, and I want a special blanket that's just for snuggling on the couch, and I want a shoe organizer!" Alex announced.

Laurie said we can definitely get a welcome mat and Alex can get a shelf over her bed. Alex doesn't own enough shoes to need a shoe organizer. Tom told us that he can see we were trying not to get too much and while he and Laurie appreciate our efforts, they have planned for this and assumed they'd be buying a lot of household items. I was so hugely uncomfortable with the entire conversation I put my head down in my arms on the table. Laurie suggested that she and Tom add some ideas on the side of our list and we could go over it.

This morning I looked at the things they added. Spaghetti tongs, bath mats, scale, hamper, placemats, paper towel holder, mixing bowls, nesting bowls (I don't even know what those are), serving platters, vases, bread baskets, serving utensils, towel sets (they suggested a different color for each of us so we can easily keep track of which towels belong to which person), and bunches and bunches of other stuff.

I told Danielle this morning that I don't want to do this - it is too hard and so awkward. So she is going shopping tonight after she finishes mother's helpering to buy stupid things we don't need.

There should be a bigger word for work

(Added a cutting board. New towels would be cool, but we don't really NEED them. Also we can drink juice out of coffee mugs. We don't need both.)

Today I started my increased responsibilities or whatever it's called. I was worried it would be hard and I would cry but really there was just a lot of photocopying and sorting things into packets and calling people to confirm meetings. The only hard part was calling people. I panicked and hung up on the first person. The woman training me said I'd probably get everyone's voicemail so that's what I was prepared for and it threw me off when someone answered.

When Alex came from camp at the end of work she wanted to come to the diner with me and didn't want to go home. She had to sit in the lobby until the dinner rush was winding down because it was too busy for her to sit anywhere.

When it died down I told Alex she should go home because otherwise she was going to be too tired tomorrow but she refused, even after I offered her a taxi. So of course on the way home I was practically dragging Alex down the subway steps because she was dragging her feet and complaining of being exhausted. At Josh's house Alex didn't even change her clothes - she just dumped her camp bag on the floor and flopped on the bed. Asked Danielle to put her lunch bag in the kitchen (the ice pack has to freeze overnight) and me to wash her dance clothes and hang up her bathing suit and towel. It was a really long day.

Breakfast: bagel with cream cheese and lox, OJ, patriotic fruit salad (strawberries, banana, blueberries)
Lunch: sicilian pizza, chocolate italian ices
Snack: carrot and celery sticks
Dinner: cup of soup at diner, honeydew

Draft number one of home-list

1. two garbage pails (big one for kitchen, little one for bathroom)
2. garbage bags
3. 3 sets of bedding
4. some more towels for Josh
5. a set of dishes, a set of silverware
6. a glass pan for baking
7. a cookie sheet
8. frying pan
9. peeler
10. a set of steak knives
11. a sharp knife
12. laundry detergent
13. iron
14. coffee mugs
15. spatula
16. serving spoon
17. stock pot
18. cleaning bucket
19. Dish soap

*Maybe shower curtain and vacuum, depending on apt.

Alex suggested we each get a basket in a different color for putting our bathroom stuff in, and one big basket for us to share for things we'll all use. I feel kind of bad about some of the stuff on the list - it's not all really things we HAVE to have. We don't really need a set of steak knives or a serving spoon - they would just make things easier.

I almost threw up writing this all out. It seems like just new blankets for the three of us without anything else will cost a minimum of $150. Sets of dishes seem to come in fours, so we are going to have to be really diligent about cleaning up after ourselves at the end of each meal so the next person has a plate to use. I am really uncomfortable with so much money being spent on us.

Tuesday foods

breakfast: fruit salad, tomato & mushroom omelette, half a bagel, OJ
snack: two handfuls of mixed nuts
lunch: salad with grilled chicken, baked potato
snack: chocolate italian ices
dinner: baked salmon, steamed asparagus, iced tea

UPDATE: midnight snack: chocolate pudding with homemade whipped cream that Alex made

I am a person who does lunch

Today Arnie asked if I'd do him the honor of joining him for lunch. Or something fancy-sounding like that. It is exhausting being around these rich, fancy people with all their rich, fancy-sounding ways of saying things.

Obviously I sucked it up and went to a fancy lunch with Arnie. He may not have thought it was fancy, but when a salad costs over $20 that seems fancy to me. I got a hamburger because it was one of the least expensive things. It wasn't until I was showing Danielle the menu that I realized an appetizer would have worked as a meal.

Arnie asked me how I feel it's going, and said he has heard very good feedback. I guess nobody told on me when I accidentally dropped a bunch of phone calls my first two days of working. I told Arnie that I really enjoy working here and hope I'm doing a good enough job. He asked if I am interested in being given bigger responsibilities at work, so I said yes. So now Arnie is going to talk to somebody at work and have them bring me harder things to do. I hope I don't screw anything up.

Conversations

Josh's mom (Laurie) to me: Why don't you make a list of what you'll need when you move next month and then we can start going shopping for things?
Me: Um okay.
Laurie: Ask Tom (Josh's dad) for the key to get into storage. That way you can go through the things from your mother to remind yourself of what you already have so you don't wind up with duplicates.
Me: Okay. Where is everything going to go once we get it?
Laurie: Oh we can just tell them not to deliver until the new apartment gets secured. We can also put some things in storage.
Me: How are we going to buy stuff while Josh is away? Shouldn't he get to choose too?
Laurie: He won't care. He's easy like that.

Laurie: I hope you don't mind my saying this, but would you and your sisters consider letting us buy you new bedding?
Me: Oh. Well thank you, but our sheets and blankets are totally fine. They don't need to be replaced.
Laurie: Somehow despite being laundered, there is still a lingering smell of cigarette smoke on them. Tom and I would be thrilled to start you kids off in a smoke-free environment.
Me: I hadn't noticed. Maybe we're just used to it.

I was totally embarrassed. When I told Alex and Danielle though, they weren't at all uncomfortable. Alex, thanks to her obsessive-compulsive catalog fetish, already picked out the new blanket she wants, but it is ridiculously expensive and I told her there's no way she can tell Josh's parents that's what she wants.

That is another thing. Some things, I don't know how much they are supposed to cost. There are trash cans that cost $5 and others that cost $140. How do people know which one is better? Why would you want to spend over $100 on something for garbage? Will it break? How do you even begin to buy bedding? Or a desk!

Me to Josh: Your mom wants to go shopping with me to buy stuff for when we move.
Josh: Cool, have fun.
Me: Don't you want to come?
Josh: No, I don't care. Just don't get anything too girly.
Me: Really?
Josh: Yeah. I'm not sleeping on pink sheets or drying off after a shower with a towel that has hearts and flowers on it.
Me: That's all you care about?
Josh: I care about having good food, not if the plate the food is on is bone china or something else.
Me: Okay.
Josh: If you don't know what to get either ask my mom or wait until I'm back and we'll figure it out.

Me to Danielle: Please help me. I am totally overwhelmed.
Dani: Let me see your list.
Dani: You're doing this all wrong. Plus you forgot a lot of stuff.
Me: Like what?
Dani: Trash cans? A tv. A desk! Beds! You need to put everything in categories. Like everything you'll need for the kitchen, everything you'll need for bedrooms, like that.
Me: You're giving me a headache.
Dani: You need a lot of help.
Me: Thanks.
Dani: Don't look so scared. I'll come up with a good way for you to properly thank me.

This is how I came to spend several hours today opening up all our mommy boxes and going through our old stuff. Some things still smell like her. There are dishtowels she and my nana hand embroidered. They have flowers though, so Josh will not like them. Maybe we can just get a boy-friendly dishtowel, like one in red or black or something to balance them out.

I didn't realize what was in the boxes. My nana's tea kettle is here (it has flowers on it - how come I never realized how many things have flowers before?) and I thought somewhere in these boxes was a set of dishes, but I didn't find them. How did I spend all these years thinking we had a set of dishes that we don't have? What happened to our dishes? Who has them?

There are a lot of photo albums and picture frames all wrapped in scraps of fabric. There are two boxes filled with cards and pictures Topher and my sisters and I made for our mom and nana. Who packed these? There's an entire box just filled with fabric. What happened to the sewing machines? The big hatbox that was filled with buttons?

I thought we had an entire house full of stuff, or really almost two houses full of stuff packed into boxes in our closet. But what we have instead is a bunch of stuff that is really nice to look at but will not really help us, except in terms of decorating. I want to make blankets out of all the fabric. Of course a lot of the fabric has flowers on it.

When we move I don't want to have to store ANY of this stuff. I want to be able to put it all out and use it and touch it and look at it every single day. I don't want to have to pack away the tea kettle again just because it has flowers and Josh doesn't want to use flowery things. I am so sad and frustrated and not happy at all.

Even more awkward than a sex talk

with your sisters is having a sex talk with your sisters AND your boyfriend's parents. No, I'm not kidding.

We all wound up home by like 10 tonight and Alex asked us to stay in so Danielle suggested we watch a movie. Fine. So we were watching this movie where these midwestern high school kids are playing spin the bottle and talking about the first place they ever gave someone a blow job and one girl says her first place was at a spin the bottle party.

This leads Josh's mom to ask if that really happens at parties. I avoided answering by pretending that she was asking my sisters and not me. Danielle kind of smirks and when our eyes meet we start giggling. Josh's dad is all "what?" Dani and I are like "We don't bother with like the pretense of a game. If people want to hook up they just do."

Josh's parents look horrified and I wonder if maybe jewish people are more conservative than italians or something. I was kind of feeling like they thought the three of us were slutty then. Maybe Josh and his sister never told their parents anything. I wished he was here for the trillionth time.

The best part is when Alex tries to join in by saying at all the parties she's been to, nobody bothers playing games either. Dani won't let her get away with it. "You mean all TWO?"

Later, after they went to get ready for bed, Josh's father asks if I'm alarmed or upset that Alex has gone to parties where people have hooked up. No. "But she's 11." First off, she's 11 and a half. Second, she's going into eighth grade! We just moved out of a building where sixth graders had babies.

We have even more awkwardness when they ask me what Alex thinks about girls her age having babies. I got kind of annoyed then. She doesn't think anything - this is not some new anomaly that is strange and horrifying. It's what she has grown up seeing.

So I told them she doesn't think anything and lie and say I'm tired and go hide in my room. Thinking I'm over the whole parental involvement thing. Talking to your boyfriend's parents about sex when you're having sex with their son is just way too much.

Danielle is sleeping with me tonight because she misses me. I miss her too. It is weird to go to bed and not have anyone to whisper to anymore.

Having friends over is as awesome as I remember it

This morning when I was at work a guy named Rory called me to see what I'm doing this summer. He is being a sports camp counselor at Chelsea Piers for the summer. We talked for a while and then he asked if I want to hang out. It got busy and I told Rory I'd call him back. It took over an hour for things to calm down. It goes in waves.

When it was quiet again I called Josh's mom. She is so sweet - the very first thing she said was, "Are you coming home sick? Just get in a cab and we'll pay the fare." No, not sick - I just wanted to ask if I could invite Rory over for dinner. Josh's mom did such a mom thing. It was so anti-Aunt Elaine that I couldn't say thank you right away. She said, "Of course, we would love to meet a friend of yours."

Calling Rory back and being able to say come pick me up after work and come home with me for dinner was so awesome. I don't even know how I made it almost eight years without having people over. When my mom was alive there were people at our house ALL the time. People would just pop by, or I'd come home from school to see who would be there to eat snack, it was great. When I was little I could invite people over all the time.

Rory finished before me so he waited around in the reception area until I was ready to leave. He made faces behind people when they were standing at the reception desk talking to me and it was hard not to laugh. We got to Josh's house and I introduced Rory to Josh's mom. She offered us veggies and dip because dinner was soon and we took the food to my room.

It was fun hanging out and bullshitting at home for once. I kept listening for footsteps coming but Josh's mom kept my sisters away somehow until dinner. When we sat down at the table Josh's parents asked Rory questions about where he was going for college and baseball and stuff. He talked about how his girlfriend is also being a camp counselor but at a sleepaway camp. When Rory said that Alex audibly exhaled and was like "Oh thank god! All this time I thought Sammers brought a boy home to her boyfriend's house."

She can be so freaking embarrassing. Rory was really nice about it though and just told her "No, we're not hooking up, we just like to hang out and talk about everyone else who's hooking up." I felt like it was kind of ... not appropriate dinner conversation in a fancy house you know? After dinner we hung out watching tv for a while and Rory went home around 10.

Today was a little bit awesome.

Maybe I'm allergic to rich-people food

I don't feel good at all. Yesterday for lunch I brought leftovers from dinner the night before - lobster ravioli. I felt a little off but ignored it. Then this morning I threw up after breakfast. Today I brought brown rice and vegetables for lunch and in the middle of eating felt sick again. Felt pukey all afternoon and even thought about asking if I could go home sick.

Powered through and went to the diner. Had a cup of chicken soup and was okay, but not like when I feel fine. The end of my diner shift couldn't come fast enough. Dragged myself home and laid down on the couch. Danielle looked over at me and asked, "Why do you look so pale?" I rolled off the couch, ran into the kitchen and threw up in the garbage pail.

Josh's mom found us in the kitchen and sent me to bed. She gave me dry Cheerios to eat during the dance show on tv. I might actually call in sick tomorrow.

Living with parents is a lot of extra work

Last night I went out to meet a bunch of people when I got invited. It would be embarrassing if I confessed to being excited so I won't. There won't be any mention of how many times I changed my outfit either. Around 2AM I came home practically not drunk at all and Josh's dad was awake. He offered me a piece of pie and for once I was allowed to get my own food from the kitchen.

It was a TRAP. The pie came with a side of a speech. Josh's dad would probably be upset if he knew this but I was so tired and not-drunk that I have no idea what he said. I tried to nod and eat the pie and respond politely. Hopefully I didn't agree to anything big.

Still more differences

Having parents around is weird. They ask if we have umbrellas before we walk out the door (we never had umbrellas before we came here - they have an entire basket of them in their coat closet (we haven't had a coat closet since my mom died)). If we are watching tv and one of us says something, they mute or turn off the tv and like, turn to us and look us in the eye to listen. Danielle told me yesterday it's almost overwhelming to go from no attention to so much attention. She's right.

This morning Josh's dad woke me up and said they were taking us out to brunch. "For what?" I asked him. "For brunch," he told me. It wasn't to celebrate anything, there was no reason, they just wanted to take us out to eat. For no reason. So I put on my graduation dress and we went to this fancy restaurant that was so fancy that there were multiple courses for brunch. I mean, I know the diner is not at ALL fancy, but I had never even heard of that before.

I am not used to having adults pay so much attention. Dani was right - it does get overwhelming. Alex, of course, loves it. She will talk and talk and talk as long as you will listen.

Writing every day is hard

I can't believe I was in the routine of doing this every day, ages ago. It is weird being here. There is somebody to make all our food. There is somebody who does our laundry. Alex has two sets of tights and leotards for camp and washes one in the sink and then hangs it to dry the next day while she wears the second one. The housekeeper is so thorough about doing laundry that she took Alex's dance stuff to wash and there was tons of confusion because it wasn't hanging in the bathroom where Alex left it. She thought she'd lost her clothes at camp somehow.

It is weird to be here. I can't believe that last week I was spending my free time writing out what food we had left and what meals could be made from it. So much time was spent stressing about food. Food, or worrying about getting in trouble.

My summer routine

7:30 - get up, shower and get dressed for fancy work. it's nice when you don't have to fight two other people for shower time. I am used to getting up an hour and a half earlier and having to take much faster showers.

8 - sit around eating breakfast and talking to Josh's parents, Danielle & Alex
8:25 - 8:35 - pack lunch, pack diner clothes if diner day, book, and leave for work

9 - 12:30 - work at fancy job. there is a lot of down time where I sit around playing online and reading magazines.

12:30 -1 - eat lunch and people watch or read

1 - 4:30 - work more

Option A

4:30 - see Alex come in, leave work with her, put Al on train to get home, run to diner, work there until 9pm, go home

Option B

4:30 - see Alex come in, leave work with her, meet Dani at home, eat dinner somebody else made, walk away from table while somebody else cleans up, lay around watching tv and talking to friends

Now that my schedule is pretty set and I know when there are pockets of free time I really need to start hanging out more with my friends. I have always felt so bad about not having people over but now that I finally can I am scared. This is retarded and I don't know why.

Routine: mine

I'm trying to do this NaBloPoMo thing where you write every day. They give you a theme each month and this month is routine.

This morning I realized I hadn't written out what I've been eating since we moved to Josh's. So here is yesterday's food:

Breakfast: apricot, half a toasted bagel with cheese, OJ
Lunch: half a roastbeef on rye, half a knish, Dr. Browns (can you tell someone at work made a deli run and invited me to order too?)
Snack: chocolate milk, blueberries and strawberries I brought from home
Dinner: seafood with pasta, steamed asparagus

Every single time I walk in the door here, somebody asks if I'm hungry and offers me a snack. All the food tastes different here too. Not bad different, just different different.

Another thing that's different is the way everything here is cooked. They don't just use regular oil, here they use truffle oil. My sisters and I always bought the meat that was on sale - you know, the stuff with the sticker that says "eat it today, or die if you eat it tomorrow". Here they buy whatever looks good to them. It is very weird being here. We are so used to doing everything based on money. Josh's family does everything regardless of money. It's like an afterthought to them.

New summer routines

Now that school is done and the summer has officially started I am happy to have a new routine. Even though it's fun to have a day off from school it was always stressful too. Trying to make sure I had nice clothes with me to change into if I was going to my fancy job, making sure I had gym clothes if it was a gym day, making sure I had a baggie of nuts or a banana for a snack, making sure my sisters had places to go since we tried to avoid being home with Aunt Elaine by ourselves.

Even though this is temporary before we move again in a month and a half, I can't stop feeling like it's temporary before we just go back to the Bronx to Aunt Elaine's house. It's like post traumatic stress or whatever that Vietnam thing is called.

Alex started her fancy dance camp on Long Island and is in heaven. Because her commute takes so long by the time she gets home I am finishing work and I can meet Alex before going to the diner. Alex has balls of steel - she already asked Josh's dad if she can have two camp friends sleep over Friday night. Danielle starts her mother's helper thing next week so this week she is doing nothing but sleeping until noon, then taking a bubble bath and then watching whatever she wants on tv all afternoon.

I am scheduled to work three nights each week and then one morning on the weekend at the diner. It seemed like they were a little angry at me for not working there full time since school is out, but the owner didn't come right out and say that. They just kept pushing me to take a weekend day shift and a fourth night shift. I really don't want to. Maybe in August I'll do it, but for now I just want a little bit of a break.