Tuesday, December 20, 2011

No, no - allow me

I routinely study for finals until 4am. Josh routinely studies for about two hours the night before a final. He goes to a harder school and we get about the same grades overall. So I guess Josh is smarter than I am. Fine. If I have to be average, then fine. But I wish he would respect my stupidity.

Tonight Josh came home and proudly dumped a huge bag of apples on the table in front of me. When I looked up he explained, "Tomorrow's the first night of Chanukah." I know this. I looked up the date last year, and have put aside $20 each paycheck for his presents. I did a ton of research. He's going to love them.

Except he wants something else. It is laid out that the prince wants potato latkes and homemade applesauce to go with them. Fuuuuuuuck. Who the hell has time for this shit? Fancy rich mothers who don't have jobs and can instruct their cook to do the work for them, that's who.

I locked myself in the bathroom with the shower running so I could cry. Once I heard Josh on the phone telling his friend, "Nah, I don't have to do anything; I just show up." It made my heart sink. It's like when a father says he's babysitting and it's his own children. Josh is great at helping if something specific is asked of him, and when a new system is instituted he'll follow it for about half a week.

It's not like it's that hard to make applesauce. It's practically like making mashed potatoes. It's the thought of it. The thought that it's not just applesauce, but also making the latkes too. Nothing ever ends. No matter what I do someone else will be waiting to announce they expect yet one more thing from me. Better hurry up and get on that before the next person in line steps forward with their demand. I want to run away from home.


Mizasiwa said...

I think just as your tags says you are 'overwhelmed' at the moment - exam time and christmas/hanekah are not easy times of the year... i think you needed that cry so dont worry about it. Besides ALL boys are like that. Iv been with my husband 8 years and he STILL doesnt understand that he and I do not work the same when it comes to time management!! Keep strong Sam exams are almost over!! ;-)

Lisa @ Trapped In North Jersey said...

Josh is old enough (and smart enough) to make latkes for you. Tell him you would love to share in his holiday traditions, but he needs to help, because you are very busy and he seems to have the time, unlike you.

People may make lots of demands on your time, but you don't always have to say yes, even when you love them. You are allowed to say no, and ask for help. Point out to Josh that its HIS holiday tradition, not yours, and thus he should be involved in the doing.

Suzy said...

Lisa is so right!!! These are his holiday traditions that he wants to share with you, he needs to treat them as such. Let him know that you are excited to eat the applesauce and latkes he makes but that you do not have the time or energy this year.

Nina said...

I'm sorry Sam. As my dad would say, Josh was out of order.

I think it's totally okay for you to simply say, no, I can't make latkes and applesauce for you because I'm already busy studying for finals. Period. Like Lisa said, you have the right to say no.

Lil'Sis said...

I think I would have said, "Great, I can't wait to taste your home made applesauce and latkes, thanks for thinking of sharing it with me babe!"

I think it's good to say no, set some boundaries and give a reality check.

Good luck with finishing up finals girl and Happy Holidays!

JJ said...

I'm with everyone. You don't have to be mean, just say, "I'm working really hard to do well on my finals, but I would love to eat whatever you make."

Seriously, that's bogus.

Anonymous said...

I don't think you are being fair to yourself. You have a lot of responsibility. You are a full-time student, have a job, you tutor, take care of the household and all the jobs from the house. Josh (and your sisters) do not carry the same load that you do. You find that you have to study twice as hard as him, but he doesn't have all the stuff that is loading you down, take up precious mental space. Give yourself a break Sam. Your family and Josh must learn to help you. And you need to learn to how to accept the help (even when it's not done to your standards). You will burn yourself out. You need to be a be more selfish and carve time to take care of you.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the others. If you don't learn to set limits and boundaries with others, you will be in big trouble. Learn it young.

Alisha said...

Ditto to what everyone said, although many commenters referred to you "accepting help". In general I agree that you need to learn to do that more, but in this case there's not even a place for that phrase. Josh does not need to "help" you by making his own latkes and applesauce -- he just needs to do it if he wants to have them. Period.

If it had been me, I don't think I would have hid in the bathroom to have that cry. If you feel that Josh takes your time and your effort for granted, and you would like him to learn to adjust his expectations, he needs to know that you feel that way. Perhaps, whether now or after the stress of finals, you can sit down with him and explain how hurt and upset it makes you feel that he doesn't even notice that you're overloaded, or that he disregards that fact in making requests/demands like this one. In fact, if it were me I'd probably let him know I overheard his comment about just showing up and tell him how that made me feel as well. Yes, I'm probably more upfront/blunt than most people, but I believe there's not much that's more important to a close relationship than open communication.