Monday, February 20, 2012

Raising a pedophile

One of Josh's biggest concerns about living with my sisters, or really, his only big concern was having someone go all Lifetime channel crazy and accuse him of being sexually inappropriate with them. He didn't really say this the summer before college started though, he'd just hint around it, and unfortunately for Josh, the more we all got comfortable with living with a boy, the more open we were with him. It doesn't really help that my sisters totally followed my lead in terms of behavior. If I can walk around in jeans and a bra in the morning, then they can too. I consider him part of the family, so my sisters do too, and since they will walk into the bathroom while I'm showering to talk to me, they walk in to talk to Josh.  Just because I sleep with Josh since he's my boyfriend, it doesn't mean they can't sleep with me now.

Except it does. Josh gets angry about these things, but never directly says where the lines are drawn for him. So he has seen more of my sisters than he'd like, and he quietly rolls out of bed when one of them get in to talk to me in the wee hours. All this time Josh has been walking around worried that if one of my sisters went batshit crazy and got angry at him, he'd wind up raped in jail before you could say, "I want to call my lawyer," because they'd accuse him of something pedophile-like.

I don't know why Josh hasn't ever just straight out told me how stressed out these things make him. Okay and I don't know how it is that I've been so stupid as to not pick up on them either. Probably it's partially my fault too.

Earlier this week my sisters and I realized we all wanted to see this movie The Vow. We were tossing around times throughout the weekend when our schedules meshed enough that we could go. We agreed we'd go to the matinee today, and this morning Dani took a flying leap onto our bed at almost 8 o'clock. Josh cursed and went to take a shower. Alex came in too and Dani and I were distracted by her, forgetting about Josh's anger. Then we started talking about making french toast and smoothies and Alex ran off - I thought to go start cooking. It wasn't until I heard Josh yelling that it came together. She'd opened the bathroom door to ask him if he wanted breakfast.

Before we left for the movie I pulled Josh aside. His face was still dark with anger as he told me he thinks my sisters are emotionally stunted at toddler age with the way they come running into our room some mornings. Josh was sooooo angry. I told him he shouldn't keep this all bottled up. Like why is it so hard to just say flat out "Don't come in our bedroom before 9am or after 11pm" or whatever he wants it to be?

So now he's angry at my sisters for cockblocking him, and I'm angry at him for calling them babies.


C @ mommy in the midwest said...

I gotta say - I can see his point. He's never had that kind of intimate sibling relationship and it sounds like some boundaries would be beneficial. But it's hard when your sisters have never had to have limits like those set, and especially considering all you 3 have been through. Ugh! This is a toughie.

Mizasiwa said...

I think for him for a long time its been about not rocking the boat and while that wasnt the smartest thing in the long run its what he decided to do. Its hard also when your sisters (like mine) grow up kind of in front of that person. What starts out ok (walking around in pj's or a bra and jeans cos the bra is just for show) can turn into something not totally kosher (walking around in shorts and a tshirt and no bra becouse iv said several times her boobs are too small for a bra anyway) this happened last week when my youngest sister came into the kitchen with a loose white shirt and no bra on i asked her to change re retorted 'but you walk around like this' obviously i had to tell her that things are different as we are married and im old (;-) she is not...its hard but worth setting the bounderies also it takes time... good luck

Anonymous said...

Sounds like Josh setting some boundaries would be good. Then he won't have to be on pins and needles all the time as he evidently has been. Agree with Mizasiwa, he probably didn't want to rock the boat. Bathroom boundaries--I wouldn't care for anyone other than my husband barging in on me while I'm in there, family or not.

Anonymous said...

While it would be nice if Josh could have articulated that he needs more concrete boundaries, your living situation is unique enough that he should be forgiven for not knowing the best way to deal with it. In any case, I think (now that you're aware of the awkwardness of the situation) it's up to you to extract the boundaries Josh needs from him, then translate those boundaries into hard rules for your sisters.

Knocking before going into a bathroom is definitely a social custom our society expects of people older than 5 or 6 yos.

Nina said...

I think it's fair to set some boundaries. At the very least a knocking policy. Even with my mom and dad and my brothers, I always knocked before I came into their rooms and I expected the same courtesy from them. I think since your sisters grew up without a boy/man at home, maybe those privacy lines were different. But yeah, Josh needs to speak up before things blow up. Maybe he's been trying to accommodate your relationship with your sisters, and maybe he felt like he needed to be okay with it even though he really wasn't.