Thursday, March 29, 2012

You're a terrible person. But hey, wanna have sex?

According to Josh I'm a terrible person who squashes any and all fun my sisters try to have or even dream about. Apparently I am supposed to be all mushy and when one of my sisters says they want to fly to the moon, instead of telling them it'll never happen I'm supposed to instead say, "Well golly, that sure does sound fun! What's the first thing you'd like to do when you get there?"

That's just not me. Josh insists it needs to be, or I'm going to drive them away, away to people who will encourage them to dream, and to get as close to their dreams as they can. According to him, if I don't react positively to these things, they will find other people who will. "No, I don't want to blow smoke up their asses," I argue. Josh shakes his head. "You won't be. They're not stupid. They know they're not going to the moon. They just want to daydream. It's normal."

I feel like there's no time for daydreaming. I am going to kill their souls, Josh swears. They will come to never tell me anything because they will come to count on me for negative reactions.

If I were being totally honest I would agree Josh is kind of right. The problem is, it's rare to ever have time to sit around talking about flying to space. When Alex wants to talk about "when we get a dog" she stops chopping up the salad. Pretty sure any real grownup would frown upon us eating dinner at 8 or 9 at night. When I'm in the shower, all concentration goes towards (well, these days just not getting my cast wet) either creating a mental shopping list or reviewing class notes.

There is no good solution. They should have someone else to go to for the daydreaming, except if they have time to do that, then they're not spending enough time helping me, and since basically everything I do is for all of us, that's not fair.


Anonymous said...

I think you hit the nail on the head: it isn't fair. But guess what? It's never going to be fair. Maybe that's YOUR pipe dream that will never come true.

Also, it doesn't sound like Josh is calling you a terrible person. It's hard to take criticism. I don't think he's saying your character is flawed. He's just saying that if you don't watch out, your inclinations may have undesired consequences. That's true for all of us and you are very lucky to have someone who loves you who can point these things out for discussion. Good luck.

Kizz said...

I'm glad you're still talking about this. That's partly why I asked you why Dani's daydreams make you grumpy. It's worth noting that she didn't dream about a whole summer in Italy. She presented it as 1. Italy, something way out of reach but that she longs for and 2. Interning for Arnie, something relatively practical that she thought you'd like. Somehow you got so grumpy you couldn't see the good in either.

It's not fair. You need to know I agree. I'm sure Josh does, too.

However, (there's always one of those, right?) it's OK to dream. People have to dream in order to go out and achieve stuff. I think that the most unfair thing is that you dreamed when you were younger (I'm sure of it) and then your mom died and your aunt was awful and your dreams stopped. The worst part of all is that it wasn't explicitly someone else who made you stop. In order to successfully keep your family together in a safe place YOU were the one who squashed your own dreams. That's so fucking unfair and don't let anybody tell you any different. You deserved to dream like Dani & Alex and you're a strong person to have sacrificed that to save the opportunity for them. It's probably time, though, now that they are old enough to help some and that Josh is around, too, to try to rediscover the dreams you had and create some new ones.

I'd love to hear you dream some time. If you dream of seemingly out of reach stuff and you live in reality it's easier to find out some middle ground to strive for.

I'll be dreaming about your dreams today, just to get you started. :)

Just Me said...

I'd Josh that they can go to him for dreaming, and you for reality, so they have the best of both worlds.

You are who you are. You can either embrace it, or choose to work to change it. But that's your decision and no one else's. If you like yourself, then no worries. If you agree that Josh may be correct, then over time you had work toward being more that type of person.

Lisa @ Trapped In North Jersey said...

Agreed with Kizz, its not fair that you didn't get a chance to dream. But it is ok that Dani and Alex do. You have given them that luxury at the expense of your own. Impossible dreams are a good thing. Wanting big things, like Italy, inspire you to figure out a way to get them. Dreams lift you up in life. Seriously.

What do YOU want? What are your dreams, beyond not being responsible for everyone? That day will come, when you don't have to support Dani and Alex on a daily basis, and you will be able to do stuff. What will you do when that day comes? Travel? Grad school? Own a house where you can pick out the bedding?

Start dreaming again. You deserve it too.

Same argument as last year...if Dani can figure out a way to pay for it without going into debt, then let her go.

OTRgirl said...

I'm sure you've seen Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs ( I agree with Kizz that your dreams were put aside so that you and your family could survive. What amazes me about you is that you've fulfilled that Hierarchy of Needs for your sisters in such a way that they are working on the top layer. Yet it sounds like you feel like you're caught in the bottom layers with no one to lift you up to dream or figure out what you WANT to do vs what you NEED to do.

I hear underneath all this a frustration with Josh for taking their 'side'. He's had an easy life so it's fine for him to talk about dreams but it just adds to the anger that you don't have time for stuff that feels like 'fluff' because you're running around making sure the basic needs are met.

I'm not sure what the answer is, just saying neither you nor Josh is right/wrong, just coming at it from different perspectives. I'm sure you're learning a great deal from each other, even when it's aggravating.