I'm gonna go out on a limb here

and say you suck. Reasons? Oh I have reasons.

1. We are supposed to be there at 9am. I get to work between 8:45 and 8:55. I like getting there a little early. I don't want anyone to ever be like "Where's Sam? Why isn't she here yet?" Plus this way I can usually pick a good assignment and avoid getting stuck with something shitty like filing in a dingy room. You show up between 9:10 and 9:15 every day, say hello to all the girls you think are pretty,  then go futz with the coffees and make oatmeal or something, and are ready to work around 9:30. 
2. Today, all day, your shirt was un-tucked. If I have to sweat my ass off in these ridiculous outfits, the least you could do is join me in the discomfort and tuck in your shirt. 
3. You flirt with everyone. Sometimes when I have to work with you on a project, you make me wait while you finish flirting. In my crueler moments I want to say you're so dedicated to flirting at work because you can't get laid when you get home. 
4. You rush whenever you're working and you make stupid mistakes. I think you lose time flirting and then think you can rush to make up for that lost time. But you can't. Then work we hand in has mistakes and it embarrasses me. I've taken to putting my initials on everything I personally work on. When you asked why, I lied straight to your face, saying it was in case I made any mistakes, but really it's because I want them to know my work. 
5. Stop flirting with me. You'll hit on anyone with a hole and a heartbeat. You're sleazy and gross and like a decade older then me. While we're on it, stop trying to work in how often you go to the gym and work out. I get it - you have muscles. You know what? So do I, and mine are better because I just have push-up contests with my sisters for free instead of spending money to get them. I bet you just go to the gym to flirt with girls and see them wearing so little clothing.
6. Stop dumping work on me. Today you snuck out at 4:36pm. Yes, I'm okay here and don't need your help to finish a copy job. But that doesn't mean you should be leaving early to go meet up with your friends. Oh and calling them "my associate" doesn't fool anyone. At least three days a week you find an excuse to leave work before we're supposed to. 

You make me so angry. You're always trying to make me jealous, and I refuse, refuse, refuse to be jealous of you. I will not give you that satisfaction. I don't care that you spent three months on a boat in Alaska. Go spent the rest of your life in Alaska for all I care.