Monday, February 4, 2013

Calling your bluff

Me: Since you're so unhappy with me, why don't you leave? 
Alex: What? 
Me: Leave.
Alex: And go where? 
Me: That's your problem. Get out.
Alex: You're kicking me out? 
Me: No. I'm inviting you to do what you want. 
Alex: But you're telling me to leave.
Me: No. You're the one who thinks I made such a big mistake leaving Aunt Elaine's. You're the one who doesn't believe that it wasn't a choice, that she kicked us out. So go back. 
Alex: You didn't even try!
Me:  Oh my god, are you fucking kidding me?! I BEGGED to stay through the summer! The only reason you don't know is because you were busy skipping along enjoying life while Dani and I panicked and planned and budgeted late into the night! 
Alex: No. I don't remember that at all! That's not what happened. You just wanted to live with Josh! 

So I reminded Alex that at least two months before I graduated she was threatening to change the locks. Alex claimed Aunt Elaine wouldn't really do that. But I remember her patting her pocket where she'd put the phone number of a locksmith! She was constantly talking about how great it would be to not have to deal with us for much longer. So go. She needs to either shut up about it or get out. Staying her and bitching at me is not going to work long-term.


snarkylicious said...

I'm sorry. This must be so difficult for you. It's hard to be so unappreciated after ALL of the sacrifices you have made. Alex was too young to understand but now she is old enough to grow up.

You are right. You are not throwing her out. You are giving her the option to leave, if that's what she wants. She better think long and hard too.

Sam, you have done an AMAZING job with your sisters. Truly. I'm sorry that they are showing signs of ungratefulness now. I can't imagine how hard this is for you.

I'm thinking about you. Good luck. And take comfort in knowing that you can hold your head high. You have done an awesome job.

Suzy said...

I'll say it again, Alex needs counseling. She needs a rational, impartial voice to see her through this part of her growing up. You can't be expected to do it all.
She's a good girl, she just needs a hand here.

Nina said...

Yes, I agree. Alex needs counseling. And I think all three of you together need to talk to somebody impartial to work talk this out. This is getting ridiculous! Alex seems to NEED to believe in some delusional alter-reality in which Aunt Elaine actually wanted you guys there rather than what actually happened. It almost sounds like she needs to have somebody to blame and that person is you. And, frankly, you don't deserve that nor should you have to put up with it.

I know you were in counseling for awhile and it was helpful...but were you sisters? It sounds like they - especially Alex - have some serious unresolved issues.

I'm angry on your behalf Sam because this is all so messed up after everything you've done all these years, but I'm also concerned for your sisters (and Dani in particular).

I know that siblings often interpret/perceive the same family events from very differently (this has happened in my own experience) but this seems particularly delusional.

Nina said...

sorry, I meant Alex in particular. Not Dani.

Abby said...

Holy cats. I remember those blog posts! She threw you out! She was going to get a locksmith while you were at school! You were going to buy a cheap car and shower at the Y!

Alex needs a reality check. How about sending her over to Aunt Elaine to ask what really happened?

OTRgirl said...

Maybe instead of an all or nothing option, invite Alex to call Aunt Elaine and ask if she can go visit for a weekend, or a week or however long. It does sound like she has a fantasy version of the past and needs to be able to see it with more mature eyes.

I completely agree that she needs to go to a counselor as well as a few sessions with all three of you. It's not fair that you have to process her emotions as well as keeping the house together. She needs a place where she can vent and grieve without it feeling like a personal attack as she does it.

I wonder if part of her is mad that you have memories of your Mom and Grandma and all she has is Aunt Elaine. As such, she needs Aunt Elaine to be a worthy source of her affection. It definitely feels like it's time for her to revisit that relationship and see if there's anything there.

Honestly, the fact that she has fond memories of life there says a lot about how much you did to allow that to happen. You really protected her. She'll see that at some point even if she can't see it now.