Thursday, May 23, 2013

It's a contest, and we're both losers

Some people think that since out of the three of us, I had the most time with our mom, that means I'm the luckiest. I see that. Except that since I knew her longest, I have the best sense of how much we're missing by not having her around. So in that logic, Alex is really the luckiest because she just misses having *a* mother, but not our specific mother.

I am unluckiest because I had to manage Aunt Elaine and my sisters. Alex is unluckiest because she was resented for needing to be raised and nobody around wanting to do it.

Alex is unlucky for having to live with people who'd rather she wasn't there. I'm unlucky for having to haul my sister with me to go live with my boyfriend.

There are no winners.


Anonymous said...

Exactly and well said. There are no winners and your situation should not be seen as a contest. Unfortunately you grew up together but had different experiences dur to your ages and the situation you were in. It wasn't easy for you, Danielle or Alex. One day she will see that. Right now time apart will hopefully get her to see your perspective and danielles as well.

Karen said...

Yes, Anonymous said it well. Sometimes we do want some sympathy for our "bad luck." Perhaps you and your sisters can agree to just listen to each other's complaints and say nothing back except supportive and sympathetic comments. Give each other the gift of forgiving everyone.

In a situation filled with really difficult choices you all made what you thought were the best ones. And you've done a bang-up job of living with those choices. Forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you think you made along the way. You all deserve medals for getting through this. Alex isn't quite there yet, but sometimes just faking it (the forgiveness and sympathy) gets you a pretty long way down the road toward actually feeling it.

Yankee, Transferred said...

As a seasoned mother, I cannot imagine the life choices you have had to make for yourself and your sisters. You were thrust into the mothering role at the time when a girl needs her own mother with an urgency that is impossible to describe. I lived with the most incredibly difficult teenage daughter-and it was the job I signed up for when I adopted her at three-and I can tell you that Alex will come out the other side of this. But yes, you're right, from many perspectives, nobody wins.
On the other hand, everybody has won from your amazing parenting, including you...but it may be years before "exactly how" presents itself.