Hi Mama,
There is a lot going on right now. Firstly, I am trying to get into a different social studies class. It would be so easy - switch my lunch from 6th to 5th period and my social studies from 5th to 6th. I know there's room in the class I want to be in, it's the same teacher, and I would have friends to hang out with for lunch. Perfect. Except. My idiot guidance counselor is retarded and keeps saying "Let's wait and see" and never signing the thing. When I asked today what exactly we're waiting to see he just laughed at me, and didn't give me an answer.
This is bullshit. Since November I have been doing all my homework in social studies. All of it. I once accidentally even answered all the questions instead of just the odd ones because it was interesting and I got carried away. I have gotten nothing lower than a 91 on any test since then. I haven't cut class at all in three months. Mr. Castillo even wrote in my progress report that I've made "significant positive changes in the approach to learning." He still never talks to me, and I still never talk to him, but whatever. Personally I think he's still bitter because he's dating the teacher I had last year for earth science and when Christina gave her such a hard time Ms. Miller cried, I didn't stick up for his girlfriend. Whatever. You can't tell an entire class they're stupid and will never amount to anything when you're a young teacher who only taught in South Carolina for two years before coming to NYC, and think you'll have no retaliation.
So I left a note for the assistant principal about changing my class today. Even though he suspended me a lot last year for all the fighting (okay and twice this year), in a weird way, I kind of think he likes me. Last year when I was late for school every single day and we were having one of our many "What are we going to do about you Sam?" meetings, he asked if he should give me his own watch, if that would help me get to school on time. When Aunt Elaine stopped taking Alex to school and then I really DID have to be late and I told him that, he changed my schedule so I had lunch first period and my being late wouldn't get me in trouble. This year he always says hi to me when he sees me in the halls, and he told me on September 8th that he hoped to see me on the following Monday. In December I was sitting by myself at a table in the lunchroom and he came and sat there with me. It was very strange, like we were living in this alternate world where kids and principals are friends and just talk. We had this whole talk about the movies coming out and he told me how when his kids were my age they liked to go skiing in Killington, and how now he and his wife volunteer at a soup kitchen on Christmas mornings, and he used to be a gym teacher. And, while we were talking, an art teacher I never had came up to him and said he wanted a minute and he said, "I'm speaking with Sam now; I'll find you later" like I was more important.
I know technically I'm supposed to go to the head of the guidance office when my guidance counselor isn't cutting it, but she hates me or thinks I'm stupid or something. When I met with her at the beginning of 9th grade to make my schedule she was the one who pushed for me to go into all the stupid track 3 classes. My math teacher kicked me out of his Retard Math in October last year, saying he'd bet his paycheck I would do better in a harder class, so he put me in his regular Math I class and he was right. I went from getting like, mid 80's on tests to getting 100's. I don't know how that worked. And then this year I finally got into a regular English class, with a cool teacher who never cares why anyone is late and stands on the desk sometimes.
So I don't think that head of guidance lady will help me get into a better social studies class at ALL. I'll let you know if the AP does.
Love,
Samantha
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Sunday, January 28, 2007
SCORE!
Ma,
Look what two of our fire families gave us this morning! How freaking awesome are these?!
Look what two of our fire families gave us this morning! How freaking awesome are these?!
Alex got these and this! That monkey is so ugly it comes back around to cute! Alex LOVESSSSSSSS it! I can not stop exclamation pointing!
Dani and I each got one of these! They are sooooo warm and cozy. We are in. love. Seriously.
Yes, we will write thank you notes.
Sam
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Future
Mama,
I know Aunt Elaine is your sister but are you sure she wasn't adopted? How can someone so cold be related to you? She is always angry at me! ALWAYS. If I'm home I'm in her way and bothering her. If I'm not home then I should have been to take care of Alex or to clean up some mess or something. Everything I do (or don't do) is always wrong. If I try to do something nice then I shouldn't have wasted time when I could have been doing something else she wanted me to do.
Today after school I stayed late because my biology teacher said I could re-take a test I didn't do well on. So I stayed late one period to cram for it and another to take the test. Then on the way home I ran into my friend Eleni (you don't know her) and we were talking for a long time. When I got home Alex and Dani were sitting outside in the cold and dark.
Why? Because they didn't want to go inside without me. Should we be living with somebody who makes all three of us feel like this? I don't think so. I mean, Alex is totally scared of her.
This has been going on a long time. My shrink said this is part of why I'm so angry. I didn't really get why exactly that means I'm so angry but whatever. He says there are a lot of reasons I'm angry.
So. This is my thought (I didn't tell Danielle or my shrink yet):
I know Aunt Elaine is your sister but are you sure she wasn't adopted? How can someone so cold be related to you? She is always angry at me! ALWAYS. If I'm home I'm in her way and bothering her. If I'm not home then I should have been to take care of Alex or to clean up some mess or something. Everything I do (or don't do) is always wrong. If I try to do something nice then I shouldn't have wasted time when I could have been doing something else she wanted me to do.
Today after school I stayed late because my biology teacher said I could re-take a test I didn't do well on. So I stayed late one period to cram for it and another to take the test. Then on the way home I ran into my friend Eleni (you don't know her) and we were talking for a long time. When I got home Alex and Dani were sitting outside in the cold and dark.
Why? Because they didn't want to go inside without me. Should we be living with somebody who makes all three of us feel like this? I don't think so. I mean, Alex is totally scared of her.
This has been going on a long time. My shrink said this is part of why I'm so angry. I didn't really get why exactly that means I'm so angry but whatever. He says there are a lot of reasons I'm angry.
So. This is my thought (I didn't tell Danielle or my shrink yet):
- Turn 16
- Get emancipated
- Get custody or whatever of Dani and Alex
- Move out, into a one-bedroom
- Finish and get into a college upstate
- Move upstate for college and rent will cost less
- Take out loans for college to use for living
Obviously I need to do a TON of research because I don't know if I need a lawyer and stuff like that and I'm sure no judge will emancipate me with my horrible grades and getting suspended so many times for fighting.
But you just shouldn't be afraid of the people who are supposed to take care of you. I feel like this situation will just not work for another two and a half years until I go to college. And I'd feel really bad leaving Dani and Alex with Aunt Elaine if I go away. Bad mood Mommy.
Love,
Sam
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Forget Hector
Ma,
That boy Hector I told you about? Forget him. He treats girls like shit. He called this girl a bitch and pushed her really hard against a wall. I threw out the lollipops that were still left. Alex got mad at me because she wanted them but I told her I'll get her new ones.
Oh and I finished reading Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. It was good. So good that I already read his next book after that, which was Dry.
I'm sad. Obviously Hector treats girls horribly and I should have nothing to do with him. But that kiss was good. I liked him.
Love,
Sam
That boy Hector I told you about? Forget him. He treats girls like shit. He called this girl a bitch and pushed her really hard against a wall. I threw out the lollipops that were still left. Alex got mad at me because she wanted them but I told her I'll get her new ones.
Oh and I finished reading Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. It was good. So good that I already read his next book after that, which was Dry.
I'm sad. Obviously Hector treats girls horribly and I should have nothing to do with him. But that kiss was good. I liked him.
Love,
Sam
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Tell Me What To Do
Hi Mommy,
Have you seem this? There's a vaccine now to prevent one of the most common STDs that can give people cancer. The experts suggest people my age and Dani's age get it, because they want girls to get the vaccine before they become sexually active. It's been out for a year I think.
I haven't gotten it yet and neither has Dani. Aunt Elaine never cares about these things or tells me what I should do. If I tell her I can't decide about something she says, "Then you'll just have to think about it." And she makes me make all the decisions for Dani and Alex too, and that scares me. I don't know what's good for them - I barely know what's good for me!
When I went to the doctor she asked if I wanted the vaccine after she made sure it would be covered by insurance. I told her no and she said that's fine but I couldn't tell if she thought I was doing the wrong thing. I looked it up online and so many girls who are older than me are saying they want the vaccine.
It's only been out for a little while, and they don't know how long it lasts. Some of the articles I read about it said stuff about morals, like if you get the vaccine then girls will think it's a green light to have sex. But that seems as stupid as when they used to say if you put condoms in schools kids would have sex, so I'm not counting that.
For right now I'm not getting it and I told Dani to say she doesn't want it either, but I really wish you were here and could tell me if we're making the right decision on this. I think if it had been out for more time and they had more information about it I might consider it. Just seems so new. Too new.
Please send me a sign that I'm doing the right thing, and not by having a bird crap on my head or anything gross, okay? Have me find a penny or make my locker easy to open or something good.
Thanks,
Sam
Have you seem this? There's a vaccine now to prevent one of the most common STDs that can give people cancer. The experts suggest people my age and Dani's age get it, because they want girls to get the vaccine before they become sexually active. It's been out for a year I think.
I haven't gotten it yet and neither has Dani. Aunt Elaine never cares about these things or tells me what I should do. If I tell her I can't decide about something she says, "Then you'll just have to think about it." And she makes me make all the decisions for Dani and Alex too, and that scares me. I don't know what's good for them - I barely know what's good for me!
When I went to the doctor she asked if I wanted the vaccine after she made sure it would be covered by insurance. I told her no and she said that's fine but I couldn't tell if she thought I was doing the wrong thing. I looked it up online and so many girls who are older than me are saying they want the vaccine.
It's only been out for a little while, and they don't know how long it lasts. Some of the articles I read about it said stuff about morals, like if you get the vaccine then girls will think it's a green light to have sex. But that seems as stupid as when they used to say if you put condoms in schools kids would have sex, so I'm not counting that.
For right now I'm not getting it and I told Dani to say she doesn't want it either, but I really wish you were here and could tell me if we're making the right decision on this. I think if it had been out for more time and they had more information about it I might consider it. Just seems so new. Too new.
Please send me a sign that I'm doing the right thing, and not by having a bird crap on my head or anything gross, okay? Have me find a penny or make my locker easy to open or something good.
Thanks,
Sam
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Not Just Heavy Stuff
Hi Ma,
I feel like because you're dead, and because I didn't talk to you for so long, that now that I am, it has to be all big and important things. But all the big important things happened in 2001, in September. Maybe not all on the 11th, but that week. And I feel like you know those. You know Nana died from the grief. Did you know she told us she was going to? I feel like you know the fire department is still keeping their word, that we'd always have a family with them. We do. Once a week Dani and Alex and I go to one of their houses for dinner. They rotate us, like joint custody within a fire department or something. They rotate who gets us birthday and Christmas presents. I feel like you know they give us each money for school supplies every September.
I have small little things to tell you though. If you were alive, you'd know them. I'd tell you late at night after I was supposed to be in bed, interrupting your me-time of watching a Lifetime movie or something. You used to get so angry at me for interrupting. You said that time was sacred, and you needed time without hearing little girl voices before going to bed. But you always let me stay on the couch with you, and I'd lay with my head in your lap so you could play with my hair and we'd talk in the commercials.
I taught Alex to do a back handspring and a front tuck. Now all three of us can do them. It looks really cool. I got a pair of Chucks. Remember my friend Serena who you always said was such a nice girl? Serena turned into a slut. Now everyone calls her Sleasena. I am reading the book Running With Scissors right now. It's good, and after I finish it I want to see the movie. Since you died, I've started liking chicken. I learned how to use a George Foreman Grill, and taught Dani too. I might make Honor Roll this quarter. A boy named Hector brought me a bouquet of lollipops tied with a ribbon last week. He stuck his hands in the front pockets of my jeans and pulled me close and I said thank you for the suckers and then kissed him. It was the first time I kissed a boy with a tongue ring, and I felt it through my whole body. It was the first time I moved in to kiss first. I'll let you know what happens with him.
Love,
Me
I feel like because you're dead, and because I didn't talk to you for so long, that now that I am, it has to be all big and important things. But all the big important things happened in 2001, in September. Maybe not all on the 11th, but that week. And I feel like you know those. You know Nana died from the grief. Did you know she told us she was going to? I feel like you know the fire department is still keeping their word, that we'd always have a family with them. We do. Once a week Dani and Alex and I go to one of their houses for dinner. They rotate us, like joint custody within a fire department or something. They rotate who gets us birthday and Christmas presents. I feel like you know they give us each money for school supplies every September.
I have small little things to tell you though. If you were alive, you'd know them. I'd tell you late at night after I was supposed to be in bed, interrupting your me-time of watching a Lifetime movie or something. You used to get so angry at me for interrupting. You said that time was sacred, and you needed time without hearing little girl voices before going to bed. But you always let me stay on the couch with you, and I'd lay with my head in your lap so you could play with my hair and we'd talk in the commercials.
I taught Alex to do a back handspring and a front tuck. Now all three of us can do them. It looks really cool. I got a pair of Chucks. Remember my friend Serena who you always said was such a nice girl? Serena turned into a slut. Now everyone calls her Sleasena. I am reading the book Running With Scissors right now. It's good, and after I finish it I want to see the movie. Since you died, I've started liking chicken. I learned how to use a George Foreman Grill, and taught Dani too. I might make Honor Roll this quarter. A boy named Hector brought me a bouquet of lollipops tied with a ribbon last week. He stuck his hands in the front pockets of my jeans and pulled me close and I said thank you for the suckers and then kissed him. It was the first time I kissed a boy with a tongue ring, and I felt it through my whole body. It was the first time I moved in to kiss first. I'll let you know what happens with him.
Love,
Me
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Immunity
Hi Mommy,
After 9/11, we got a lot of attention. A lot of kids lost parents, and even more lost relatives or knew someone who'd died. But not that many kids had more than one relative die, or were left parentless. There were reporters at school every day. I don't know how it got out that we were parentless. But it did, and it only took until the 13th for them to figure out there were no grownups at home and to get Nana to come.
Don't worry retroactively (SAT word, impressive, right?), okay? I did a really good job by myself. When Nana came she asked if I wanted to talk to reporters and be in the newspapers and on tv, but I didn't. She couldn't stop them. Reporters waited for me after school and would walk home with me, talking about you, asking me questions they didn't really want honest answers to. I said nothing. I kept my headphones on and refused to meet their eyes and just walked. Ma, reporters are relentless. Even when I took Dani and Alex out for ices or to the park, they would try to talk with us.
I couldn't take it after a while. At the end of the week, after this one woman had been standing so close that I could have stuck my tongue out and touched her with it, when she asked what I wanted if I could have anything, I answered her. She expected me to say "I want my family back" or "I want everything to go back to how it was on September 10th." No.
"I want Chelsea Clinton style immunity." When the Clintons moved into the White House they asked the press to not write about Chelsea, and they almost never did. That's what I wanted.
I looked straight into the camera and kept going. "I want to be able to take my sisters out to the playground, to go to school, my friends houses, everything. Without you talking to me. I want Chelsea immunity." It worked Ma. The cameraman took his camera off his shoulder and started crying in that man-way where they try to pretend they're not. The reporter got angry and told him to keep filming. They argued about it and I waited. I wanted to see what they'd decide. If it worked, I planned to use the same line on all the other reporters.
The reporter walked away without saying goodbye, without giving me her card and telling me to call if I felt like talking, like all the others had. The cameraman started to follow her. Then he turned back to me and said he was very sorry and would put the word out. I didn't know what he meant so I just said thank you. There must be some cameraman network because it all stopped.
Not the out-of-state people, but the local reporters? They backed off. It was amazing. I wish I'd known that camera guy's name so I could thank him now. At the time, I didn't realize he'd been behind it, but it's so clear he was.
Going to sleep,
Sam
After 9/11, we got a lot of attention. A lot of kids lost parents, and even more lost relatives or knew someone who'd died. But not that many kids had more than one relative die, or were left parentless. There were reporters at school every day. I don't know how it got out that we were parentless. But it did, and it only took until the 13th for them to figure out there were no grownups at home and to get Nana to come.
Don't worry retroactively (SAT word, impressive, right?), okay? I did a really good job by myself. When Nana came she asked if I wanted to talk to reporters and be in the newspapers and on tv, but I didn't. She couldn't stop them. Reporters waited for me after school and would walk home with me, talking about you, asking me questions they didn't really want honest answers to. I said nothing. I kept my headphones on and refused to meet their eyes and just walked. Ma, reporters are relentless. Even when I took Dani and Alex out for ices or to the park, they would try to talk with us.
I couldn't take it after a while. At the end of the week, after this one woman had been standing so close that I could have stuck my tongue out and touched her with it, when she asked what I wanted if I could have anything, I answered her. She expected me to say "I want my family back" or "I want everything to go back to how it was on September 10th." No.
"I want Chelsea Clinton style immunity." When the Clintons moved into the White House they asked the press to not write about Chelsea, and they almost never did. That's what I wanted.
I looked straight into the camera and kept going. "I want to be able to take my sisters out to the playground, to go to school, my friends houses, everything. Without you talking to me. I want Chelsea immunity." It worked Ma. The cameraman took his camera off his shoulder and started crying in that man-way where they try to pretend they're not. The reporter got angry and told him to keep filming. They argued about it and I waited. I wanted to see what they'd decide. If it worked, I planned to use the same line on all the other reporters.
The reporter walked away without saying goodbye, without giving me her card and telling me to call if I felt like talking, like all the others had. The cameraman started to follow her. Then he turned back to me and said he was very sorry and would put the word out. I didn't know what he meant so I just said thank you. There must be some cameraman network because it all stopped.
Not the out-of-state people, but the local reporters? They backed off. It was amazing. I wish I'd known that camera guy's name so I could thank him now. At the time, I didn't realize he'd been behind it, but it's so clear he was.
Going to sleep,
Sam
Monday, January 8, 2007
MITten
Mommy,
Remember when Alex was born and you said I was like a little mother-in-training when I helped you by taking Danielle to preschool so you didn't have to take Alex out as a newborn? I miss you calling me Mitten.
Aunt Elaine doesn't do any momming. If Dani or Alex go to her with a problem she just tells them to come ask me. I don't know all the answers they need. Aunt Elaine told me the only reason she took us was because it was enough we lost the three of you, we shouldn't have to lose each other also. But she said straight out parenting was not her thing. So it's become my thing.
It kind of sucks. It's really hard to be in charge of two other people. How were you in charge of all of us? I wish you could come back even if it was just for an hour. There are so many questions I have.
How do you decide how many things Danielle can do after school? I never understood that. As long as there's money I say yes to everything. So she still dances and she's on the basketball team. Alex is in a reading club and takes gymnastics. We laughed when she brought home the ditto about the reading club, because it's such a geeky thing to do. But Alex really loves reading so that's what she wanted. You would have said yes to reading club, right?
This year I did this international relations thing at school (it's over for the year now), and my shrink suggested I try track so I am. Some weeks when I see him we go walking while we talk. He said that running will help with my anger. Track is okay so far. When I'm running I don't feel like it's helping when I get angry. But I'll stick with it because I can't keep getting in fights anymore. I'm tired of it.
Love,
Sam
Remember when Alex was born and you said I was like a little mother-in-training when I helped you by taking Danielle to preschool so you didn't have to take Alex out as a newborn? I miss you calling me Mitten.
Aunt Elaine doesn't do any momming. If Dani or Alex go to her with a problem she just tells them to come ask me. I don't know all the answers they need. Aunt Elaine told me the only reason she took us was because it was enough we lost the three of you, we shouldn't have to lose each other also. But she said straight out parenting was not her thing. So it's become my thing.
It kind of sucks. It's really hard to be in charge of two other people. How were you in charge of all of us? I wish you could come back even if it was just for an hour. There are so many questions I have.
How do you decide how many things Danielle can do after school? I never understood that. As long as there's money I say yes to everything. So she still dances and she's on the basketball team. Alex is in a reading club and takes gymnastics. We laughed when she brought home the ditto about the reading club, because it's such a geeky thing to do. But Alex really loves reading so that's what she wanted. You would have said yes to reading club, right?
This year I did this international relations thing at school (it's over for the year now), and my shrink suggested I try track so I am. Some weeks when I see him we go walking while we talk. He said that running will help with my anger. Track is okay so far. When I'm running I don't feel like it's helping when I get angry. But I'll stick with it because I can't keep getting in fights anymore. I'm tired of it.
Love,
Sam
Sunday, January 7, 2007
Reintroduction
Hi Ma,
I meant to write every day but that's hard. I think of you every day even if I don't write, okay? Know that okay? Anyway, I thought it might be nice to let you know where I'm up to these days.
My favorite color for my room is still lavender, but my favorite color for things is orange. Remember that boy Lucas I liked the summer before 5th grade? Nothing ever happened with him because we moved to Aunt Elaine's. At the end of 6th grade this boy Erik asked me out on our trip to Shelter Island and I said yes. We were "going out" all through 8th grade. You know how people say breakups are mutual but really you know one person totally got dumped? The breakup with Erik and me really WAS mutual. He liked this girl Ilene and I liked this boy Jesse so we agreed.
It turned out Jesse was better as a friend and we moved anyway. Sometimes Erik and I run into each other at parties or something. We're friends. You would have liked Erik. He used to get presents for Danielle and Alex.
Danielle doesn't respond to Dani anymore. I still don't mind Sam but only D&A call me Sammy - maybe it's a sister thing. Alex doesn't care if you call her Alex or Alexandra; she just wants to be involved in every conversation.
I'll tell you more about them next time I write, okay? It's after 1 a.m. and any time Aunt Elaine catches me up past midnight she doesn't let me go out the next day. Her rules suck.
Love,
Sam
I meant to write every day but that's hard. I think of you every day even if I don't write, okay? Know that okay? Anyway, I thought it might be nice to let you know where I'm up to these days.
My favorite color for my room is still lavender, but my favorite color for things is orange. Remember that boy Lucas I liked the summer before 5th grade? Nothing ever happened with him because we moved to Aunt Elaine's. At the end of 6th grade this boy Erik asked me out on our trip to Shelter Island and I said yes. We were "going out" all through 8th grade. You know how people say breakups are mutual but really you know one person totally got dumped? The breakup with Erik and me really WAS mutual. He liked this girl Ilene and I liked this boy Jesse so we agreed.
It turned out Jesse was better as a friend and we moved anyway. Sometimes Erik and I run into each other at parties or something. We're friends. You would have liked Erik. He used to get presents for Danielle and Alex.
Danielle doesn't respond to Dani anymore. I still don't mind Sam but only D&A call me Sammy - maybe it's a sister thing. Alex doesn't care if you call her Alex or Alexandra; she just wants to be involved in every conversation.
I'll tell you more about them next time I write, okay? It's after 1 a.m. and any time Aunt Elaine catches me up past midnight she doesn't let me go out the next day. Her rules suck.
Love,
Sam
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Good Hair Day
Hi Mommy,
Today I had a really good hair day. Remember how I always had really long hair? I chopped off my hair after that day and have kept it short ever since. Still long enough for ponytails, but always above my shoulders.
My hair looked so good that I got compliments on it today. I miss you brushing my hair, even though you used to get angry about the knots.
I don't really feel like writing tonight, sorry.
Sam
Today I had a really good hair day. Remember how I always had really long hair? I chopped off my hair after that day and have kept it short ever since. Still long enough for ponytails, but always above my shoulders.
My hair looked so good that I got compliments on it today. I miss you brushing my hair, even though you used to get angry about the knots.
I don't really feel like writing tonight, sorry.
Sam
Monday, January 1, 2007
First Letter
Hi Mommy,
I'm sure you know I go to a shrink. What you may not know is this is a new one, and I think he may be the first good one yet. He's not cute or anything but he's calm and says insightful things and when I have nothing to say he tells me stories about his life that are always interesting. He reminds me of Sean, the shrink in Good Will Hunting (his wife isn't dead though).
Anyway he said it's clear I have a lot to say, even though he can tell I'm one of those kids who never talks a lot. That made me sad Ma, because remember how it used to be? I could never shut up back then. A lot of things have changed.
He said I should start a diary - that it would help me with all the things I'm thinking and feeling but not saying. That it would help me not have all the build-up inside me and maybe that would help me stop fighting so much.
So I'm going to write you blog letters. You, because you're the one I want to talk with most. A blog because that's how diaries are done these days. Please don't be angry at me if my grammar or writing is awful. School hasn't been going well at all since you died. Yeah, an excuse but can't excuses be the truth too? This year I am trying to do better.
Anyway, this is long enough and I have to go. I will catch you up next time.
Love you,
Sam
I'm sure you know I go to a shrink. What you may not know is this is a new one, and I think he may be the first good one yet. He's not cute or anything but he's calm and says insightful things and when I have nothing to say he tells me stories about his life that are always interesting. He reminds me of Sean, the shrink in Good Will Hunting (his wife isn't dead though).
Anyway he said it's clear I have a lot to say, even though he can tell I'm one of those kids who never talks a lot. That made me sad Ma, because remember how it used to be? I could never shut up back then. A lot of things have changed.
He said I should start a diary - that it would help me with all the things I'm thinking and feeling but not saying. That it would help me not have all the build-up inside me and maybe that would help me stop fighting so much.
So I'm going to write you blog letters. You, because you're the one I want to talk with most. A blog because that's how diaries are done these days. Please don't be angry at me if my grammar or writing is awful. School hasn't been going well at all since you died. Yeah, an excuse but can't excuses be the truth too? This year I am trying to do better.
Anyway, this is long enough and I have to go. I will catch you up next time.
Love you,
Sam
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