You can have them if you can get them here

Alex has been going with Danielle to mother's help at Craig's and she met a girl her age nearby. During the week she asked if she could invite the girl over for Sunday. I said sure. This was one of the biggest things we were looking forward to about getting away from Aunt Elaine. On Thursday I asked Alex if the girl was coming, she said no. Friday? Same question, same answer.

I told Al that people make like, plans. That she needed to get on it, otherwise the girl might be busy. That is when Alex burst into tears and told me she didn't know how. To ask a friend over. I sort of had forgotten she never had before. So Danielle and I sat back to back in front of Alex and had pretend phone conversations where we invited each other over. Then we invited Alex over. Then we had Alex invite us over. I told her to call the girl Saturday morning.

Saturday Alex called me at work. "Gemma's mom wants to know if a parent will be home." So obviously I told her to say no. Alex called me back. "Gemma's mom wants to know if you'll be home." No. "She wants to know if an adult will be there."

These girls are going into eighth grade! They are old enough to babysit! Why on earth would they need an adult to supervise? What, are they going to get into a fight about their Polly Pockets or something? I mean come on! They're going to sit around watching movies, playing online, eating and like looking at cute boys in magazines or something. That's fun to do but not fun to watch other people doing.

Alex called back. "Gemma's mother wants to talk to you so can you call her?" Oh crap. So I called the mother. She told me she wasn't comfortable with her special snowflake being at our house without an adult there but said Alex could come to their house. Okay fine. I didn't bother telling her that Alex wants to have people HERE, that it's about more than like just hanging out.

Then the mother said she'd like to meet me. I told her I work Sundays but could come to pick Alex up. She sighed at me and said she supposed that would do. Fuck you lady!

Today I am working when my phone rings. Alex is calling to tell me Gemma's mother wants to know if she can have a cookie. I actually asked Alex if she was kidding. She lowers her voice and says the mother tried to get her to call two other times. Rolling my eyes I told Alex of course she can have cookies. I hear her repeat that to Gemma's mom, and then Alex tells me they're peanut butter cookies. I was like "Okay eat one for me." She was like "No, I have to tell you in case I'm allergic."

Okay Alex isn't allergic to anything. Except maybe all three of us are a little allergic to smoke, I don't know. But no foods. Doesn't this mother know an eighth grader will say something if they can't eat something being offered?

When I ran over there to get Alex before our Sunday dinner in Brooklyn the mother opened the door and invited me in. Alex and Gemma were sitting on the couch watching something with Miley Cirus. Alex looked bored. We thanked the mom and moved towards the door. She offered me a cookie for the train ride. She asked if we knew how to get home.

As Alex and I were walking I took a bite of the cookie. It was terrible! I spit it out. Alex goes, "Oh yeah I forgot to tell you the cookies sucked, sorry." I asked if she had fun. "Gemma's boring. Her mother hovered and we were only allowed to watch kid channels."

Poor poor Alex. All she wants in life is to have a friend over. Maybe after school starts.

Hazwani

Did you say dress code? There's a dress code in COLLEGE? I can't believe this, please tell me more about it.

Why would a university have a dress code? I am pretty sure there isn't a dress code here. Probably you just ... can't show up topless if you're a girl. Like, you can't break the indecent exposure laws that New York City has, but I don't think there's any sort of dress code. I wouldn't go here if there was one.

There was some orientation weekend thing here but I was working so didn't go.

In response to Princeton:
I don't have a problem with being distracted in school. I *like* being creative with my clothes and seeing how other people are creative and express their personalities with their clothes. Honestly, if someone is distracted by how other people dress, then they should work on themselves, not impose restrictions on other people. That's like only a few short steps away from saying if a girl dresses like a slut, she deserves to be raped. Is that something you'd really agree with?

I perform best on tests when I have studied enough in the days leading up to the test, and have gotten at least five hours of sleep. The way I dress makes no difference in my test scores. You really think that if it's six degrees out and I'm forced to wear a skirt instead of being allowed to wear broken-in jeans, that I'd be able to concentrate on a test when my legs are freezing? Or if it's 98 degrees I'd be able to pay attention in class if I'm forced to wear a tucked in, button down long-sleeve shirt rather than a tank top?

Princeton, why are you looking at a girl's ass when she bends over? If you kept your focus on your book or your teacher you wouldn't notice whether or not a girl was wearing underwear. And honestly, how often does that REALLY happen? I just finished four years of high school in New York City and didn't see or hear of that happening at all.

I haven't noticed any sort of dress code at my college Princeton, and honestly if there was one promoted I wouldn't go there. I really don't believe in them at all, and I say that as someone who grew up in an area with a lot of gangs, and someone who grew up without enough money for designer labels.

If the problem is people making fun of people who aren't as well off, then the solution is not to forcibly level the playing field, but to teach compassion and tact to the people who are rude. A dress code is just a band aid over a bullet hole.

Lastly, Princeton, I did do a bit of research on dress codes in colleges, and what I found is that it's discussed a lot in India, and a little at religious colleges in the U.S. Being that I'm like the least religious person ever, I would never go to a religious college. I'm sure they would view me as living in sin and hate all my piercings. Obviously I wouldn't apply to or attend a religious college. Or one in India if they were going to tell me what I could and could not wear.

Way

College is way more in every way. Way faster, way bigger, way more homework, way more crowded, way everything. Josh told me that he'd make sure his mother is talking to people about me tutoring while they're on vacation. I am really really hoping tutoring works out because I just went from working a job and a half to barely working one job.

I smushed all my classes into three and a half days, so I can work for Arnie one full day, one half day, plus Saturdays. Trying to hold out at the diner but literally every shift gets worse and worse. Waitstaff had a huge screaming fight in the kitchen today and diners were totally listening. Two tables got up and left without paying (mostly finished with their meals) and then when the waitresses found out they screamed at me, for not stopping them. With the gun I always carry? With the krav maga I know?

There was a lot of back and forth over whose paycheck those table's meals should come out of - mine or the waitresses. We ended up splitting it, but I'm not happy.

It turned out that (colleges do give homework on the first day) I forgot how many people would be coming to NYC for the first time and would be totally overwhelmed by ... everything. The height of buildings, the density of all the people, the noise, all the stuff that I don't ever notice.

I had to wait a long time to meet with my freshman adviser. I got there a little early but even with that she saw two people before me. She was trying to tell one girl something and I could hear the girl arguing with her. Then as they opened the door to come out the girl was holding her phone and my adviser was saying, "No, I don't talk to parents of students, only students." Actually all through the day there were a lot of kids on their cell phones. When I'd overhear parts of conversations they sounded like they were talking to parents.

There were also a lot of kids who clearly had new shoes for school. I wore the same Gap dress I've been wearing to work once a week with leggings and Converse. I did not whip out my iPhone every 10 minutes and then look around to see who was noticing.

Some of my classes had people standing against the walls in the back and on the sides - they were waiting to see if the professors would let them in. I think there are like, more kids than classes to fit them all in. Excuse me please, I have a ton of studying to do now.

Hello, I go to college

I am a college student. No, I'm not in a grade anymore. Why? Because of the college. That I attend. Still in awe that they let people like me into college.

Danielle thinks it is retarded for school to start on a Friday and tried to talk me into just skipping tomorrow as a protest. Tomorrow it's supposed to rain, I am not sure if this is a bad omen or just rainy weather. I may have been a dork by putting out what I'm going to wear tomorrow. Danielle wandered by and was like, "Ohh, torn jeans, Chucks and a black tank top, how fancy and collegiate!"

I don't know where anything is at college. Also I don't know anyone who is going there. When I was talking to Arnie about it today he said to view college at first as a job, where the other students are like coworkers, and we're all doing the same job. All 15,000 of us. Tomorrow I meet my freshman adviser. I don't know if I'm supposed to call her by her first name or last name.

Time to go lay in bed and stare at the ceiling until it's time to get up in four hours.

Because we can

Having no adults around is a lot of fun. It's also so much easier to do life without them. Danielle called me at work to say she wanted to meet two of her friends at dinner time without Alex. So she dumped Al at home and then went out.

When I got home Alex was laying on the couch watching tv, with clean laundry in folded piles on the floor. She'd made a chocolate pudding pie while she was home alone. Alex ate some of the pie. Out of the pie dish, not from a plate.

Aunt Elaine had this weird thing about feet and shoes. Maybe it was because she never showered, she assumes everyone's feet are filthy. So Aunt Elaine never wanted us to take our shoes or socks off. BUT. If we'd just vacuumed or cleaned the floors then she made us take off our shoes before coming through the door so we wouldn't ruin the floors. Now we can take off our shoes or keep them on however we want. Except that Josh always had to take his shoes off right when he walked in the front door and he wants everyone to do that here. But at least with Josh, if we leave in the morning and then have to run back in because we forgot something, nobody is going to scream at us about not having taken off our shoes for the 10 seconds we're in the house.

We yell to each other from other rooms sometimes, because Aunt Elaine isn't here to punish us for making noise. We also spend almost no time during the day in our bedrooms. It's really nice this way.

Gearing up

My school starts on Friday. Today after work I went through all my clothes with Danielle to see what truly fits and what I really shouldn't be wearing anymore. I feel like I need to dress nicer for college. That's probably retarded. It's probably just trying to give myself an excuse to not wear crappy clothes anymore. I gave Danielle a black skirt that we agreed was a little too short and a little too tight. She asked for a bunch of my t-shirts but if I gave her all six that she wanted I'd only have two left. Dani got four instead, and two pairs of jeans that are short on me.

I am going to use the rest of the Gap card that Laurie gave me in the spring to buy jeans and hopefully a pair of sneakers. If the tutoring thing comes through then maybe I'll get a sweatshirt and some tops. But maybe not because I think Alex is having a growth spurt and will need new clothes soon based on what she ate today.

Yesterday she came home and said she ate her whole lunch and was still hungry. Today she came home and said even though there was more than yesterday she was STILL hungry. Then she ate:

- half a pb&j sandwich
- a peach
- some grapes
- half a dozen strawberries
- half a dozen cherry tomatoes
- frozen yogurt (Josh took Alex like an hour and a half before dinner)
- steak, new potatoes, kale for dinner
- two handfuls of pretzel sticks
- cherry italian ices

Alex said she was still hungry after that but I told her she could have a big breakfast in the morning. Danielle is going to go through her clothes tomorrow and we'll see if she needs anything, but I'm hoping she really doesn't.

This won't turn into a boyfriend blog

where every post is about Josh and how awesome he is and what he did and said and looked like and and and. But I just have to say these two things:

1. When I came home tonight there was a present on my pillow. Danielle was all excited and kept jumping at me to go open it. So I did. It was a big, fancy candle with three wicks that came in a flowered tin from Anthropologie. It came with a note saying thank you for not making this into a flowery, girly apartment and here are some flowers. Danielle and Alex also each got a candle tin too. There are also flowers on the dining room table. Ohmigodmyboyfriendrocks.

2. Josh went home today and told me he talked to his mother and she was very enthusiastic about me doing tutoring. She agreed with him that I can earn a lot more money, and pointed out that my school is in her neighborhood. Laurie is going to talk to some of the parents in her building and friends. I am excited at the thought of getting to quit the diner. Each shift gets worse than the last one.

Also, we keep saying we have to invite Laurie and Tom for dinner but not getting around to it. Josh invited his parents over for a specific date, so now that's one less thing I need to do. So relieved.

On a more embarrassing level (aren't you glad I share?) I got home and my sisters and Josh were watching tv and Josh asked me why I don't hang out with my friends. He meets up with his like every day and is always texting them. He said this right in front of my sisters. Right when I started to say I don't have time Danielle told him "Sam doesn't have any." Thanks.

I mean, not that it's not true because it kind of is but still. I am always working or with one of my sisters or something. Plus I could never have people over before. Josh was like "You know that's not healthy. You really need to have friends and like hang out with them on a regular basis. There are real health benefits to it. "

Thanks for the pep talk, doctor. Maybe if the tutoring thing takes off I will have more free time.

There are like no jews in the fire department

Maybe there are, but not in the house Topher worked. I felt bad leaving Josh home by himself while we went to dinner, so I called today to ask if I could bring Josh. I was asked if he eats Italian food. Josh is a boy - he eats everything. So he came out to Brooklyn with us. Josh asked if he should dress up, and I told him yes. He walked out of our bedroom wearing a suit. Alex giggled at him and said not that much so he changed again.

Tonight was really fun. We had eggplant parmesan and panzanella and spinach-cheese tarts and gnocci with bacon mushrooms with cheese. It was almost a vegetarian dinner. A very small and horrible part of me was a little upset that Josh did not seem at all uncomfortable walking into the home of people he's never met, who have known me since I was a little girl. I am always intimidated at his parent's parties.

Not Josh. He laughed and talked and helped clean up when Danielle spilled something and talked to the fireman Topher used to work with about cars and stuff.

We will be eating eggplant parm for lunch tomorrow. Josh tried to say all the homemade biscotti we were sent home with is all for him, but he's so wrong. I haven't told him yet all about how we used to hide food from Aunt Elaine.

Josh was not prepared for this

That's what he told me when I got home from the diner tonight. "I was not prepared for this."

It seems barely a week in, Josh is exhausted from the strain of living with three girls. More specifically, us three girls. Even though he grew up with a mother and a sister. Josh is not a morning person. Alex is, Danielle and I can function but can't talk. I left this morning for my fancy job and Danielle left to (how geeky is this) meet with some of her sciencey friends to talk about sciencey things coming up at the beginning of their special sciencey school in a couple of weeks.

It seems that Alex woke Josh up by sitting on the bed staring at him (we have no idea how long she was there before he awoke). Before he could say anything to her she asked if he was doing sex with me. I really need to teach her to say it the right way before she embarrasses herself at school. He told her we are. She asked if that's why we close the door at night. He told her it was. She asked if he's done sex with people other than me. He said that was between me and him, not him and her. She started to ask something else and Josh interrupted and told her it was too early to talk about sex with someone too young to be talking about it with him, especially when all this talking was going on before coffee and being dressed.

Obviously Alex and I had a big talk tonight about making people uncomfortable and asking deep questions too early in the day. Apologizing to Josh about her was pretty awkward. But I probably felt less uncomfortable for that than he did waking up to Alex sitting on the bed looking at him.

When I spoke with Al she told me she does not like to think that I close the door at night. She cried and said "I used to fall asleep being able to touch you and now you're not even in the same room. You're all the way in a different room with the door closed and I miss you at night." Way to make someone feel awful.

Tomorrow I only work until 1pm and I promised Alex then we will hang out just the two of us, and when she goes to bed I'll lay down with her until she falls asleep. I kind of miss sleeping with her and Dani too.

Come to Sammy talk

More religious people have come to jesus talks, but I don't believe in jesus and Josh is jewish anyway so that wouldn't make sense. I took your advice and tried to be open to Josh having different ways of doing things.

Um Josh eats like twice as much food as we do. Now it's clear why he works out so much - he has to, to keep eating over 2000 calories each day. By yesterday we had no more cereal and only three eggs left. While my sisters and I will take one heart of romaine lettuce and share it, Josh eats one entire heart himself. He eats more often and eats bigger portions than we do.

All three of us have gone to get food and found it gone, lost to Josh. So it was time for a talk. Especially considering that Josh eats the most food but cleans the kitchen the least of all of us.

So I told him this morning. That my sisters and I plan out what we'll eat each day of the week before we go food shopping. That we rotate who cooks dinner and cleans up from it and throws out the garbage. Josh said he didn't realize it. I asked how, especially since he came food shopping with us. He doesn't know. I asked if he heard us talking about "this rice is on sale so let's get one and split it between Tuesday and Thursday" and "let's get extra tomatoes to make sauce and freeze it for next week". Josh claimed no.

When I got home from work tonight there were two packages of steak in the freezer, a new pint of ice cream, dozen eggs, bag of string beans, quart of milk, and a roll of paper towels. Josh had set the table for dinner. It was Alex's night to cook dinner and Josh cleaned up and emptied the garbage.

I am not sure I will ever get used to how easily Josh spends money and consumes and buys things. I am not sure Josh will ever get used to how closely I watch money and how I consume things I buy. But he looks really cute sucking a lollipop while washing dishes.

Awkwardness for everyone

For Josh: when he walked in the door and as a joke, Alex ran over and jumped on him, all while screaming "Daddy's home!"

For me: when I woke up at 4 am and went into the living room and saw Josh watching what I think is the Playboy channel.

For Dani: when she came into the living room this morning and Josh and I were lying on the couch.

For Alex: when she came out of the shower and ran into Josh in the hallway.

The other thing that's awkward is I found out this morning that despite being really quiet when I get up and dressed, Josh wakes up and watches me. I asked him why but he just said he likes how I look. It made me feel weird. Living with a boy is hard work.

It's getting hot in here

A couple of months ago there was a big turnover at the diner. There were like five or six waitresses who had been there since before I was born. Now there are only two and it looks like they both might quit soon too. One of the busboys got caught stealing tips and got fired. The owner's wife doesn't like the other hostess and always tells her she's screwing up. The other hostess is really timid and now she screws up because she's nervous she's going to screw up. Two of the busboys are friends with the one who got fired and a third is his cousin (or something, I couldn't quite catch the spanish). The old waitresses don't like the new waitresses.

On top of all that it's really hot in the city this summer and all the customers are grumpy and irritable (not to mention smelly). So work has been getting worse and worse. Each time you walk in, you have to try to figure out who is angry at whom. Everyone is like, pumped to find some reason to be furious at everyone.

I have not been able to figure out if things will calm down soon and I should just wait it out, or it's all going to shit and I should get out now before it gets even worse. When I got home tonight wait. Let me just say that I have now moved so much that when I got to the bottom of the subway stairs I had to stop for a second to think about where I was supposed to go to actually get home. It amused me. Anyway. When I got home tonight Josh's friend was over. He is some guy who I guess lives here but Josh didn't meet until they were both in Europe. I walked in, the guy looked me up and down, and then turned to Josh and told him, "Yeah, I see why now." When I asked why what Josh shook his head and changed the topic.

I did the good girlfriend thing and dropped it, waiting until the guy left to ask what he'd meant. Josh looked embarrassed when he told me "Once he saw you he understood why I agreed to such a girly comforter." I was glad to find out he is not a good friend. And it is not that girly.

Anyway. So I was telling Danielle tonight's diner gossip and Josh was listening. Finally he asked if the free food is really worth putting up with all that. Dani and I stared at him like he was retarded. Because of course it is. Josh asked if I'd thought about tutoring. I haven't. You know, what with not being a teacher and all. Josh told me that pretty much everyone he grew up with had tutors at various points and a lot of times, especially in junior high, people hire college students. He said I could definitely charge like $20 an hour or more.

So now I am thinking about that. Because that's way more than the diner pays and I could make people come here so I would be home with my sisters. Plus the extra money would more than make up for the free food. Because I barely eat like $10 worth of diner food less than each shift. I need to look into this more. It could be the perfect solution.

Majority ... does not rule

Hello. My name is Samantha, and I live with a boy now. I live with a boy. Holy shitballs.

It's weird, living with a boy. I told Josh that so he knows. He told me that both my sisters told him the same thing. We feel like living here is luxurious and freeing and fabulous. Josh feels poor and cramped now.

We do everything differently. Everything. After dinner we went food shopping and 10 minutes in Josh said to me, "Wait, you mean you really shop like all the articles tell you to? I didn't know anyone actually did that, where they only shop the perimeter of the store." He gets cereal that has prizes in the box.

We stopped at the candle display to smell the candles. Danielle likes these fancy expensive Pacifica candles that she thinks smell good. We never buy them because they cost so much. Josh told me to get two. I said no, that they're expensive and we don't need them. So he asked Danielle how long she's liked them. "Like three or four years." Then Josh tried to tell me if someone wants something for that long, it becomes a need and not just a want. So I showed him how if we bought just two that would be more than half of our food budget for the week. Josh rolled his eyes and said he was buying some anyway. Obviously Danielle loves Josh now.

After dinner tonight Josh put all the dirty dishes on the kitchen counter and walked away. Alex and I started cleaning up and then I took the garbage out. Josh asked Alex what I was doing. "We always throw out the garbage after dinner," she told him. He asked why. Alex tried to explain. "Because that's when it gets done. That's just what you do." Later Alex asked why Josh didn't help us clean up. I think it's because he's used to someone else always doing it for him. When we stayed with Tom and Laurie we barely did any cleaning at all.

My sisters found non-flowered bedding that I like a lot and Josh deemed "not too girly." When I came back from work and opened the bedroom closet I found the inside door plastered with pictures of Audrina Patridge. I wonder if that's payback for the blanket having pink and purple in it, even though Laurie got green and blue sheets to go with it.

Josh is not all the way unpacked yet. He has piles of things next to stacks of boxes in the bedroom and living room. He keeps asking how we unpacked our stuff so fast. I stayed up last night until almost 3 am taking out all my mom's and nana's things. Josh went to a party. Danielle said when she got home at almost 2pm from the bagel store he was just waking up. Clearly to say we have very different lifestyles is like beyond an understatement.

Tomorrow Alex is going with Danielle to mother's help Craig's baby. I'm really glad we found somewhere to put her. Especially since I am working a ton this week to make up for all the time I've taken off the last couple of weeks between the camp recital, apartment shopping and moving. I almost cried at seeing my last few checks.

Moving eve

The good:

- Alex packed all her stuff before she left for camp Friday morning
- Danielle packed all her stuff and helped me re-tape our Mommy boxes
- I packed all my stuff, all our bathroom stuff except toothbrushes, and labled each box that has house stuff Dani bought with Laurie
- Laurie is back to being normal, is no longer crazy and said she will help this weekend
- Tom is coming to the new apartment to help unpack
- Furniture is supposed to be delivered to the new apartment and I am worried about this. But! I am really excited too, that it will be ours and won't smell like smoke or be stained from food. I haven't seen anything that was picked out because Danielle did that with Laurie and Al's help

The bad:

- Josh is not packed at all. His dad got boxes during the week and there have been half a dozen of them leaning against the desk ever since. Josh took a pile of sweaters and put them on his dresser the other day. He said he can't figure out what to take and what to leave. Tom is borrowing a friend's SUV tomorrow and he is going to help Dani and me move while Laurie and the housekeeper help Josh pack
- At some point Alex will call to say she's about to get onto the train in the suburbs Danielle or I will have to stop our moving to run over to Penn Station to fetch Alex
- I am working tomorrow night and need to get as moved in and unpacked as possible, because Sunday I am working 10 hours
- Danielle is working tomorrow and Sunday morning, she is the one who picked out all the stuff we needed, and I am worried that we'll realize she forgot something critical

Moving is way stressful.

Holy crap that's a lot of questions

Can Alex get a cell phone, so she can check in while in transit? I told Alex we'll find a way to get her a cell phone when she starts ninth grade, not eighth grade. I'm not agreeing to anything that costs money until we see if living this way costs us more or less.
Would the camp friend's parent or guardian transport Alex to the train to go home? Yes, someone would drive her to the train station on Long Island.
Would you meet her arriving train? Yeah, one of us would be fine with meeting her at Penn Station.
Would she feel secure about traveling herself if she could be assured of a specific plan involving all this? Not really. Alex barely likes to take a shower without someone sitting on the floor talking to her. She always wants company and never wants to be alone. Josh used the phrase "tough love."

Can Alex get a babysitting job for those weeks to help with the household expenses? I doubt it. She is not quite 12, and the only people who'd hire her are the types to live in neighborhoods that are unsafe for Alex to be at by herself.
Will she agree to take on the bulk of the unpacking and organizing to lessen the burden on the two of you who are working? She doesn't really get to agree or disagree. If we tell her she has to, then she'll have to.
Will you have more free time to spend with her if she does either of these things for the household? Not really. I mean, yes if Alex unpacks then I won't have to, but it's not like if she does it then we'll go to the mall and see a movie or something. It's more like if she does it then I'll have to hurry less to get all the shit done that I have to do.
Would you take Alex to the library local to your new apartment once you move and get her set up to take out books from or spend time there? She will know where the library is nearest our new apartment. It's a really safe area - totally safe for her to walk around and explore.

What it comes down to is that Alex wants to act like and be treated like, a big baby. I am getting really tired of it. Firstly, because she's been acting this way a long time. Secondly, because I don't have the time to deal with it. Thirdly, because she is not actually a baby. When I was her age she practically WAS a baby, and I WAS taking care of her. She needs to grow up. She just does.

You want to be treated like a baby? Fine, then you're too little to go to a party with boys. You're too little to go to a party so far away from home.

She can't have it both ways.

Stops and starts

Tomorrow is Alex's last day of camp. She got invited to a sleepover party with boys by the girl she's been camp friends with for like three years. Danielle tried to talk Al into taking the train to get back into the city by herself, but Alex said she was scared. So on Saturday I'm going to take the train out to Long Island to pick her up. I am a little pissed off about this because it will be totally safe and Alex wouldn't have to change trains or anything and it's a waste of money. Plus, we are moving Saturday! This is hours out of my day on a day when there's a lot going on. I have not finished trying to convince Alex to do this herself.

There are two weeks between when Al's camp ends and my school starts, and then a week after college starts, Danielle and Al's school starts. I am not sure what we're going to do with Alex for those two weeks. Josh is - of course - going on vacation to Cape Cod the week before his school starts. Danielle thinks I'm crazy but I vote that Alex should just stay home by herself for those three weeks between camp and school. I mean she IS going into 8th grade. She's almost 12! She really has to stop acting like a baby.

It's okay if she visits at the diner for an hour or so, and she can come by the fancy job at the end of the day, but Alex can't hang out for the entire shift. She should just find shit to do and go hang out somewhere or something. Maybe we should leave all the unpacking and organizing for Alex to do. Then she'd have something keeping her busy for a while.

Mondays foods

Breakfast: I ate two little ones like a few hours apart.
Breakfast 1: half a bagel with peanut butter, OJ
Breakfast 2: hot chocolate, fruit salad, hard boiled egg
Lunch: salad, vendor pretzel
Snack: chocolate italian ices
Dinner: some fancy kind of fish that was really good, with fancy rice (I think it was called long grain?), kale
Dessert: left over italian ice I brought home

I really eat like shit. Any day now I will start doing better.

We own you

Alex told me last night that she doesn't want to move again. That she wants to stay here. That she likes it here. I lay next to her for almost a half hour talking about it. About our last two moves. Our move with Aunt Elaine a couple of years ago was horrible. It was sudden, we were sneaking out without having paid rent, it was just awful. The move at the end of school was way better because we were moving to a safer place.

I don't care how much Alex likes it here. She's moving with us this weekend. Laurie and Tom have probably been looking forward to getting rid of Josh for ages, they've had us for over a month, there's no way they want to be stuck with Alex. Plus, she's not theirs. Danielle came in for this part, and she tried to help. "You're not somebody's daughter, you're two people's sister. We own you. You stay with your sisters."

She was not happy with that. This home is much bigger. Alex hasn't had to fold any laundry, set one table, dry any dishes, empty any garbages, sweep any floors since we got here. There is always someone to watch her dance, listen to her story of what happpened at camp today, ask what's wrong the second she frowns, and randomly go check to see what they can do to make her even happier than she already is.

So no, Alex can not stay. She does belong with us, and she will be coming with us, whether or not she's happy. If we all just did what we wanted regardless of the other two of us, then I would have applied to colleges with beautiful green hills where kids play hackey sack and have a meal plan.

I told Alex to think of this as a vacation which is how I am thinking of it. You don't go on vacation and decide "Oh, I'll just live at Disney World forever now." You go, have fun while you're there, and then come home. Maybe you go visit again later on, and you can think back fondly on how great it was, but you do not stay forever.

Reason 482 why spoiling kids too much is not a good idea. They'll want to be spoiled forever. We are moving this weekend and Alex is coming with us.

I'd rather just keep mine

I wish Laurie hadn't asked to replace my blanket. I wish I hadn't said okay. Maybe it just needs to be washed again in hot water or something. I can't even smell the smoke at all. For some reason it is really important to me that I like my blanket and even though I'm not that girly every single blanket I find that I like has flowers on it. Since that's like the only thing Josh said he cares about I feel like you can't just ignore it. So I keep looking and looking but just finding all these different flower patterns.

For a minute it seemed like there was a solution - a blanket with gray, blue, green and white, all geometric and squares and I could work with that for sure. But it was sold out. My sister even checked on eBay and Overstock and neither place had it. So I keep looking, gravitating towards stupid flowers, and cursing out Josh's anti-flower stance in my head. Maybe we can just sneak my blanket to the new apartment.

But that's stupid. I don't even like it that much. It doesn't have flowers. It's ripped and there are stains on it and it came to us in a black garbage bag. I don't know. It's just mine. I should work on trying to not care so much.

Sunday eats:
Breakfast - honeydew, veggie omelet, english muffin
Lunch: cup of tomato soup
Dinner: bbq chicken, hamburger, salad, corn, mashed potatoes, some kind of fancy torte thing, ice cream. Then I rolled myself into bed.

Since I've known Josh his parents have never minded him drinking at their parties. He said as long as it's not flaunted they don't care. Except the grandparents are here now, so when Josh asked his mother to pass him two beers she hesitated and looked at her parents. Josh's grandpa said, "Laurie, the kids are going off to college, they'll drink whenever they want. You might as well see them drink now, so you know they can do it responsibly." So I leaned over Josh, took a beer, held it out to Josh's grandpa and said, "Cheers!" Later Josh told me his grandpa said I'm a pistol and he likes me.

Third bedroom

There has been a lot of talk about what to do with this third bedroom. Josh wants it to be a guest room. I can not see putting aside an entire room just for when we have guests, especially since everyone we know lives in New York. When I said this to Josh though, he just looked at me and waited. You know, until I realized he travels around a lot and has friends from out of town (and country).

But still. I am wary of having strangers I don't know near my sisters, especially since I'm not home a lot. I trust Josh of course, and I trust my sisters, but just ... it's scary. Danielle wants the third bedroom to be a study room, like the little quiet rooms in the library, where nobody is allowed to make any noise. Alex wants it to be a dance room, but that's completely impractical and she admitted that.

Josh's mom was in and out of the living room as we were talking about this yesterday and she made a good suggestion. That since all four of us will be sharing rooms, why don't we "throw a bed in there" for when someone wants alone time and make it both a study room and a guest room. That there's no reason one of the four of us can't be the guest. I like this idea best of all. Even though I missed Josh a lot, it was really fun having my own bedroom in July.

We move next weekend. I am working that Saturday morning, but took off from the diner in the afternoon, then on Sunday I am working at the diner that morning. So I need to be all packed by like Friday night. That means today I have to pack and just leave out what I need for the rest of the week. Today, some time between diner, Josh's parents party in the afternoon, and fire family dinner. I am so stressed out that I woke up two hours ago and started creeping around trying to pack things up this morning. It is really hard to pack in the dark. I don't recommend it.

Moving on. and out.

I don't want this to just be a blog all about how great Josh is. Because even though I gush about it in my head all the way to work and all the way home even for me it gets a little annoying.

But holy shit my boyfriend is fucking amazing! We have an apartment! Three bedroom two bathroom and the kitchen has black and white squares on the floor.

Josh picked me up from work and before I had to be at the diner we raced to go look at two places. He leaned against the wall as I walked around each one. At the second one he leaned against a door and when I asked him to move over so I could open it, he didn't and said it was just a small closet. That's the place I picked based on liking the kitchen floor and that it was sunnier. The door Josh was leaning against turned out to be a bedroom and not a closet, which he didn't tell me until after I'd picked it.

We move next week. As we walked out Josh told me I picked the apartment he'd picked in his head. I am so, so relieved this is decided.

Breakfast: slice of toast with peanut butter, two plums
Snack: fruit salad
Lunch: slice of pizza, chocolate italian ices
Snack: two hershey kisses
Dinner: shrimp salad

I'm dating a rockstar

Everyone wants time with Josh, and bless his little european heart he is trying to give everyone everything. Tom has gotten up at 4 in the morning to work out with Josh. I got up at 5:30 this morning to have breakfast with them after they came home. Alex begs Josh to go with her to wait for her bus to camp. Laurie goes too, so she can walk back home with Josh to get time with him. When they get back Danielle hangs around him until Josh offers to walk her out on her way to mother's helpering. Even the housekeeper has asked what he wants for dinner each night. When I go to bed Josh lays down with me but I think he is still on France time and gets up a couple of hours later, hoping I don't notice. I was worried we would have changed and it would be different and weird but we're still us. Except like without school.

The grandparents come over either for lunch or after and visit with Laurie and whoever else is around (just Josh) and then sometimes stay for dinner or sometimes go out and then go to see a show. When they stay for dinner, we all sit up straight and keep our elbows off the table as we smile vacantly as we wait for one of the grandparents to ask one of their questions. When they leave, Laurie collapses on the couch and, even if we've already had dessert, yells out "I need an ice cream sundae IMMEDIATELY!"

It would be rude not to join her.

One bag just for presents

Josh got back very late Monday night. That was good. I was working both jobs Tuesday. That was bad. Josh walked me to work and then came to meet me for lunch. That was good. At the diner an older woman got in a fight with another woman and I had to call the cops. That was bad. In all the busyness and excitement I forgot to eat. That was hungry. Josh came by at the end of my shift even though it was the middle of the night his time, to take me to a fancy hotel for dessert. That was excellent. Laurie is so happy Josh is back and can distract the grandparents from focusing on her. That is funny. The apartment thing is still not resolved. That is very bad. Josh is going today and tomorrow morning to look, said he will narrow it down to two and then bring me to say which one I like better and he refuses to tell me how much the total rent is. That is different. I am so fucking ecstatic Josh is finally back; it feels like it's been longer than one month. That is totally happy.

Maybe there can be too much love and affection

I think culture shock is supposed to mean like, going to India or Africa or someplace where everything is different.  When we moved to my nana's we were in shock, but it wasn't culture shock.  When we moved to Aunt Elaine's it was environment shock.  For about a week after we got there she'd tell us what to do. Then by the second week she was yelling at me for not knowing what to do.  After that it was kind of set how things would be there.  We said good night to each other but not her.  We kiss each other's cuts and stick paper cuts under each other's faces, but never hers.  

For the last two or three years every time we'd walk in the door Aunt Elaine would either say nothing or look over and go "Oh, you're back already."  Even if we'd been gone for 12 hours she'd say that.  She never sat and ate meals with us.  She never helped when any of us were sick.  Once I got really sick and threw up in the hallway outside the bathroom and Aunt Elaine just told me I better get it all cleaned up before it started to smell.  

Living here is weird.  Tom and Laurie eat breakfast with us every morning.  Tom knocks on the bedroom door to make sure we're awake.  They come in to say good night every night, even if they're going out with friends.  Last week Danielle screamed in frustration because she couldn't get her french braid right, and Laurie did it for her.  They ask Alex what kind of ice cream she got at camp each day.  If we eat dinner at home, they sit at the table with us. They talk to us about stuff that happened that day or stuff they read.  Last night I went to give Danielle back a skirt we share and Laurie was sitting on her bed talking to her.  I didn't interrupt and when I went back a half hour later, she was still there.  If one of us dresses up for something Tom will notice and say we look nice. If we go out to meet up with friends, they tell us we can invite them back to the house if we want.  When we come back, they ask if we had fun.  

It is overwhelming how involved they are. I have not called Aunt Elaine since we left the Bronx. About twice a week I think of it and feel guilty for not doing it, but I keep not doing it.  I was telling Laurie about it this morning.  That nobody is making sure she's taking her pills on time, that she could have fallen or something.  Laurie and I talked about how unhealthy Aunt Elaine is for a while.  When Laurie was about to walk away she stopped and asked if Aunt Elaine's called me.  She hasn't.  Laurie said, "Almost eight years, she had you out less than a week after you graduated and she hasn't called you either.  If it'll ease your conscience to call, then call her. Phone works both ways though." 

I know I suck

Craig stopped getting paid to see me when I graduated.  So unless he drops Danielle off after mother's helpering or comes to the diner or something, I don't see him anymore. 

Yes I agreed that Josh's parents would pay the extra rent I can't pay.  But it still bothers me a lot, especially when there are apartments we could look at that cost over a thousand dollars less and they'd still be nice enough and safe.  

It turns out you can apply for as many scholarships as you want, and there's no limit.  So you can be awarded more money than school will cost.  I applied for every scholarship I could find.  One sent me a thing saying they are awarding me a scholarship, but then two days later the same people sent something saying I'm NOT getting a scholarship.  I am not sure which letter I am supposed to believe.

I also got a thing saying I can do work-study.  Except the most work-study pays is $8 an hour, and each of my jobs pay more than that.  Plus, you're only allowed to earn a certain amount of money through word-study.  So it does not seem worth it to do that since it pays so little. 

I did apologize to Tom that night.  Alex told me yesterday that when they were walking to Tom's office he said to her "What are we going to do with your sister?" I tried to ask Alex how he meant it but she didn't know.  

The grandparents are just regular old people who say old people things.  I don't know why Laurie is so stressed out. They seem normal to me.  They asked why I wasn't traveling for the summer.  "Because I'm working."  They asked why I didn't take a few weeks off from work to travel. "Because I need to work." Laurie jumped in and said I am making work a priority in my life right now.  It pissed me off.  If you want to be rich that's fine, but don't go around assuming everyone else you meet is also rich too.  

Today's food:

Breakfast: french toast, honeydew, chocolate milk

Lunch: half toasted bialy with peanut butter

Dinner: fire family dinner - orange chicken, squash (there was more food but it was not good)

Snack: Laurie made the three of us eggs when we got home and then we ate rainbow cookies

Not to my taste

The grandparents are here!  Except, not really, since they're at their hotel.  Laurie told us yesterday that she is a total basket-case over this.  Alex made her a really sweet card where she drew pictures of relaxing things like sunsets and butterflies and a beach.  Friends of Laurie's have been calling to wish her good luck.  

Yesterday morning Tom and I (and Alex) went to look at apartments.  He'd arranged with some lady to show us five, all in the same neighborhood.  Here is how it went: 

We get to the apartment.  The lady tells us bullshit we don't care about like when it was built and how many other units are in the building or whatever.  I ask how much the rent is.  

Lady: Only $4575.

We get to the front door, and I stand in the entrance while she, Tom and Alex walk in and listen to her talk. 

Lady: Aren't you coming?

Me: No, it's too expensive.

Lady: But don't you want to see how beautiful it is?

Me: It doesn't matter, it costs too much.

The second time I did this, Tom pulled me aside and whispered that what I was doing was rude and insulting and I needed to come in and look around, and after doing that if I still didn't want to live there, then I could simply say it wasn't to my taste. 

Fine. So I walked through the second place and ignored the lady as she went on about hardwood floors and views and whatever else.  When I finished looking, I went to stand near the front door.  Alex was standing in the middle of the kitchen, spinning with her arms wide out.

Lady: So, what do you think?

Me: No thank you, it's not to my taste.

This is what happened in the next three places.  We'd go in.  Alex would run to look at all the rooms, and dance around them with a huge grin on her face, exclaiming she could happily live there forever. Tom would follow the lady as she pointed out microwaves or views or shared walls or whatever, and I would walk through, look at how much it cost, and wait for everyone by the front door.  

We went to lunch and Tom asked what I thought.  Alex said she'd be thrilled with any of the places we saw. I said none of them were to my taste.  Tom smiled and said he could tell and asked what would be to my taste.  I told him something that cost less.  The waitress had shown up right then and said, "I guess that means you don't want dessert."  Tom got Alex a black and white cookie to go, and said we'd keep looking. 

When we left the restaurant I thanked Tom for lunch and asked if we could wait for Josh to get back before looking at any more apartments.  Tom looked at his watch and then said it would be fine but we really need to find something next week.  Whatever. I feel like nobody here is listening to me, so maybe they will listen to Josh if he says it for me. 

Alex kissed me goodbye and went with Tom to his office for the afternoon.  When I looked back at them walking away I saw Alex put her hand in Tom's.  There was a homeless guy at the top of the subway steps with his foot out. I kicked it really hard on my way down the steps.